Captain

U.S.S. Enterprise

From: Bela Oxmyx

President—Iotian Union

Kirk, old chum! Guess who this is.

It’s your old pal, Bela. Bet you never thought you’d hear from me again.

We’re on the same side now. I went legit and my percentage has never been higher. What a racket this is!

Wish I could take credit for it, but this is all because of you. You sent the Federation advisors who suggested that it would be to our advantage to move toward a different form of government. They gave us a bundle of choices. Jojo Krako’s people wanted communism, but my people held out for democracy. We voted, and democracy won with sixty percent of the vote.

In our first elections, I beat Krako by a small margin (and I didn’t even have to use fake votes from the graveyard squad).

My second and third terms were landslides. I found the perfect platform. “Ladies and gents! Pay your taxes on time, and my government will do nothing to get in your way!”

Krako couldn’t compete with that. All he could do was tell the people the things he would do. They didn’t want us to do much of anything, so I won big.

Governing was a breeze, especially since you Feds lowered your piece of the action to ten percent. My Revenue Service got a twenty-five share and the local mobs…er, city councils got five. The people kept the other sixty slices.

I fixed some roads, built some hospitals and orphanages, and kept the water and heat cheap.

It worked well. I didn’t even have to put the bag on anybody.

However, I can’t run for a fourth term. Krako’s crowing about that, let me tell you. I came up with an idea, though.

If you were to move here (I had you made an honorary citizen), then you could make a run at the presidency next year. You wouldn’t even have to know the issues, because after you get my endorsement, my people will know you’re okay. It’ll be a wipeout.

Best of all, that snake, Krako, won’t see it coming.

Jimmy, you wouldn’t believe the progress we’ve made here. Once we got the hang of this democracy, it was a piece of cake.

Also, since we’ve got television, it’s really changed things. Now, we have to look good all the time. I don’t have a problem, but you oughta see Krako’s hairpiece.

Kirk, you remember Tepo? He realized he couldn’t compete in politics, so he got out and now he’s got his own TV show, newspaper column on horse racing, and a book called Greatest Mob Hits. I’m featured in three chapters alone.

Speaking of books, I have five publishers just itching to get their hands on my life story. My sales will blow Tepo’s off the map.

Life is good here in our new capital, Oxmyx City. I named a couple buildings and a bridge after you. Zabo, Krako’s former lieutenant, decided to play ball with me and now our money is called Zabos, after our head honcho at the Treasury Department. Even my top guy, Kalo, has something named after him—a racetrack.

Poor Krako only has a waste treatment plant named after him.

Well, that’s what happens when you lose the election.

Hope I haven’t bored you with talk of old times, but now to the point.

The Iotian Gratitude Committee would like to formally thank you for all your help with our current boom. In addition, we have authorized a grant of four hundred and fifty thousand Zabos to you for past and future assistance. (We can’t give you a percentage cut, Kirk. It ain’t legal no more, but these grants are. I’m told all governments do them.)

You can spend it however you want, but a nice thank-you card to the committee would be a good idea. Keeps it aboveboard.

Also, we hope to benefit from any future help you might give us with your Fed friends.

Gotta send this off, now. I have a meeting with Vice President Kalo in ten minutes.

Get back to us about the presidency and the money, Kirk. If you want to pick it up in person, I’ll have a nice reception committee waiting for you.