Jack J. Lee
A GUIDE FOR THE HEROIC NERD
An Intelligent Way to Pick Up Girls
George C. Hopkins
If you want to learn how to become a player, this book isn’t for you. To become be a true player you have to treat women like they’re objects—you can’t afford to care about their feelings. In other words—you have to be an asshole. There are enough assholes in the world; I don’t need to add to their numbers.
If you want to learn how to listen to women, how to become more caring and understanding—again—this book isn’t for you. I can only teach what I know, and I don’t know how to listen, care, or be empathetic.
As the title says, this is a guide for heroic nerds. So, what’s a nerd? A nerd is a guy who values his intellect over everything else. You can have any other trait, but if your brain is your defining characteristic, then you’re a nerd.
I’ll teach you how to use your best trait to pick up real girls in real places. I won’t teach you how to meet girls in a virtual setting. There’s nothing wrong with using online dating sites or social media, but I’ve always done well enough face to face that I’ve never had to use virtual methods to meet women.
To use my methods, you must become a hero. A hero is anyone who refuses to live a life of quiet desperation. At the end of his life, a hero regrets the things he’s done, not the things he hasn’t. He doesn’t regret NOT asking a girl out.
Heroes are made; nerds are born. If you’re a nerd, you were genetically programmed to be a nerd from birth; you had no choice. No one is born a hero; you have to choose to be one.
Most nerds, like most people, avoid hard work. Smart lazy people use their intellect to avoid stressful situations. They choose the path of least resistance and then wonder why they accomplish nothing.
Picking up real girls in real places is a contact sport. There will be pain. There is no easy path forward. If you aren’t brave enough to try, you’ll never have an opportunity to succeed. If you don’t have the fortitude to throw yourself back into the fray after you crash and burn, your journey will be over before it ever started.
If you pick up enough girls, you will eventually find one you want to keep. I’ll teach you how to keep her.
Do you have what it takes to be a heroic nerd? If you do, you might want to read this book.
Chapter 1: To get good at anything, first you have to suck
Most players are born and not made. They’re really good looking, amazing athletes, or have a sense of humor that makes everyone jealous. They have an innate advantage that gives them the confidence to approach women. The trait that helped me become a player was a birth defect.
I was born with the delusion that I was irresistible to women. I’ve always had enough self-awareness to know I’m not good-looking, but I’ve always thought I was irresistible. Over time, through much trial and considerably more error, this belief has become less delusional.
I never went through a phase of not liking girls. One of my first distinct memories comes from when I was four-years-old. I convinced an eight-year-old girl to get naked for me. Outside of a porn fantasy, it’s the rare girl who’ll take off her clothes for you if you don’t ask. I started asking at a very young age.
No one, no matter how many natural gifts they have, is great when doing anything for the first time. Everyone starts out a beginner, and beginners make mistakes and they fail—they fail a lot. My belief that I was irresistible was impervious to rejection. When I graduated from high school, I was 5’9” and weighed 104 pounds. I had a stick-like body with a huge head; I looked like a human lollipop with ears, and I got girls that should have been out of my league.
I began competing in martial arts while in college. After two years of intense training, I gained twenty-five pounds of muscle. I had five percent body fat and could lift any friend under 180 pounds over my head. Getting a better body barely budged my success rate with women. My appearance had almost nothing to do with my success.
Whenever I got rejected, I modified my approach. Through trial and error, I became more and more successful. I became enough of a player that my friends noticed. They wanted to know how and why I was successful. At first, I had no idea why I got girls and they didn’t. Most of my friends were taller and better looking than me.
The drinking age was 18 when I went to college. When we went out drinking, I’d watch my friends as they approached women. I came up with the hypothesis that fear is unattractive. If you break out in a cold sweat and stutter when you talk to a girl, the chances of her giving you her phone number are pretty much nil. Because of my mistaken belief that I was ‘hot,’ I was never fearful. No matter how attractive the girl was, I stayed confident.
Confidence—even error-based confidence—is attractive. To varying degrees, my friends were always stressed out when they approached women. Some were better at hiding their fear than others, but almost all of them were afraid. They were the very antithesis of ‘confident’.
I explained my hypothesis to my friends. I told them they had to stop being afraid. They didn’t find my advice helpful. According to them it was much easier said than done; so I challenged them to a game to test my theory. We all put money in a pool—as much as we could afford— and then went out on the town looking for women. The guy who got rejected the most took all of the money at the end of the night.
Instead of being afraid of rejection, I convinced my friends to seek it out. They went up to the hottest women in the room—ones they knew they had no chance with—so they could be rejected. This was a game you couldn’t lose. If you got rejected, you made a lot of money. If a girl said yes, you got to go out on a date with a girl you thought was out of your league.
It didn’t take very long for my friends to stop being petrified at the thought of rejection. As they became more comfortable, they approached more women and a higher percentage of the women they asked out said, yes.
Do it often enough and even rejection can become fun. Back when I was younger, I was bit of an ass (okay I’ll admit it, I still have jackass tendencies). My friends were nice guys. They went out of their way not to hurt people’s feelings. But every once in awhile, we’d come across a girl who was so stuck up that even the nice guys got pissed. We’d spread out in the bar and go up to her one by one about five minutes apart and use this exact same pickup line, “Are you a model?” and watch the horror grow in her eyes. Then we’d all get together where she could see us and start laughing.
Chapter 2: The next step is to know thyself
Being able to fool others can be an advantage; fooling yourself is almost always detrimental. If you are a cruel, selfish bastard, it won’t bother you to pick up, use, and discard women like they’re cheap toys.
It took way too long for me to realize that I didn’t like being cruel. Self-knowledge is a lot harder than it sounds. Bias obscures reality. It is almost impossible to NOT be biased about yourself.
I spent most of my adult life looking in all the wrong places because I was completely wrong about who I was and what I wanted. I thought I’d be into whips, chains, and orgies. I was always puzzled why I had so much fun pursuing women but then lost interest so quickly after I caught them. Instead of getting a clue and figuring out the truth—I had completely average non-perverted milk and white-bread-toast sexual desires—I assumed I wasn’t being kinky enough. I searched out even more extreme situations, and got progressively more unhappy.
There’s something you need to know about orgies. You WILL make physical contact with a naked guy. That’s fine if you’re homosexual or bi. I learned the hard (I’m using this word ironically) way that it’s not so good if you’re straight. It took a lot of mistakes and unpleasant experiences for me to understand that more often than not the forbidden isn’t forbidden because it’s exotic and cool—it’s forbidden because it’s disgusting.
I’ve always been proud of my intelligence. Looking back, I am still amazed by how stupid I was. I wish I’d learned earlier that I had so many blind spots.
There are always a few exceptions (i.e. men who keep journals and write poetry) but most men have never spent any time thinking about who they are or what they want.
If you have a goal, it helps to know who you are. It’s almost impossible to improve at anything if you don’t know your starting point. If you want to become a better skier, it helps to have a realistic idea of what your skills are. If you’re an intermediate level skier, you’re wasting your time taking beginner’s lessons. If you enroll in an expert class, you’ll probably get hurt or at minimum annoy the hell out of your classmates and instructor.
Try to be honest and ask yourself the following question. Am I funny? If your answer to this question is yes, ask yourself a follow up question. Do I laugh after I tell a joke? If the answer to this question is also yes, then I’m sorry but you’re probably not funny.
Really funny people smile or grin after they tell a joke. They listen to their audience laugh. Most of the people who laugh at their own jokes are subconsciously trying to hide from the deafening roar of silence coming from the people around them. It’s awesome when you’re trying to pick up women to have humor in your quiver. But if you’re not funny and you mistakenly think you are, you’re walking into battle unarmed. If your goal is to get used to rejection, great—if your goal is to actually get a date, not so great.
If you really think you’re funny, see if reality confirms your opinion. Try humor to pick up a girl. If you succeed, you are funny. If you don’t, you aren’t. You can cling to your delusions and never learn anything or you can accept the truth and find another weapon.
I’m going to assume that most of you reading this book haven’t spent all that much time thinking about who you are and what you want. Most of you will be beginners at introspection. By definition, beginners suck. You will be wrong about almost everything. But you have to start somewhere. You have to make mistakes to become better.
We men like to talk about how crazy women are. And in many ways we’re right. It’s unfortunate but human beings tend to be crazy, and men are just as insane as women in our own special ways. It’s extremely unusual for an ugly woman to believe she’s hot. It’s not all that unusual (I know from personal experience) for an unattractive guy to believe he’s attractive. The vast majority of men who believe they’re God’s gift to women are honestly wrong.
You may not be as delusional as some, but you will still have delusions; we all do. For example, you may truly believe you’re strong minded and independent, but if you haven’t seen your friends for two months because your girlfriend always has plans, reality is telling you that you’re weak-minded and whipped.
You may believe inner beauty is more important than outer beauty, but if after a few dates you keep losing interest in girls with great personalities, you’re more superficial than you thought.
Let’s all agree that it’s a complete waste of time to do the same thing over and over again and always expect a different result. You can’t fix a problem unless you know you have a problem. You can’t learn from a mistake unless you know you’ve made a mistake. Ask yourself who you are, answer the question as honestly as you can, and let reality and life teach you whether you’re right or wrong. Know thyself and potentially every aspect of your life will improve, not just your ability to pick up women.
Chapter 3: Harness the power of truth
All girls, even the smoking hot ones, are human beings. All human beings like sincerity. Great players are incredibly good at faking sincerity. It takes no skills at all to be truly sincere. It takes a lot of natural talent and years of experience to act sincere.
It’s a generally a waste of time and energy to lie to girls. “But”, you reply, “I’ve tried the truth and it doesn’t work!”
I answer, “Yes Grasshopper, I know. You’ve been making the mistake of telling bad truths. You need to start using good truths.”
Truth is like cholesterol. There’s LDL, the bad cholesterol that clogs up your arteries and causes heart attacks. There’s HDL, the good cholesterol that protects your arteries and helps you live a longer and healthier life. Tell the truth and be sincere, but use the good truth, not the bad one.
The most common pickup lines reference a woman’s looks: ‘You’re so beautiful!’; ‘I’m so attracted to you’; ‘Are you a model?’ We all know these lines don’t work that well. Yes, it’s true you wouldn’t be approaching the girl if you weren’t attracted to her, but it’s a truth that’s going to repel her.
The first time you see a girl, the only way to evaluate her is through her external physical characteristics. Get to know her and her beauty will increase or decrease based on whether or not you like her. If she’s really cool, she’ll get better looking, and if she’s a complete bitch, she’ll become less attractive. The way you feel about someone affects how attractive they are.
Women experience this effect much more strongly than men. If a woman likes a girl, she’ll honestly describe her friend as being good-looking, even though she’s not. This doesn’t happen to men. If your best friend is ugly, he’ll stay ugly no matter how much you like him. You’ll see gorgeous women with ugly men all the time. That woman’s with that guy because he has some inner quality (money, fame, confidence, humor) that makes him attractive.
Women instinctively understand that first impressions are fleeting. You may think a girl is super hot the first time you see her, but that’s going to change for the better or worse as you get to know her. They may not be able to articulate this, but they know that just because you think they’re attractive now isn’t going to guarantee that this will be true in a few weeks.
Women who have nothing to offer besides beauty are almost always insecure for a really good reason; when it comes to physical attraction, it’s all about, ‘What have you done for me lately?’ No matter how beautiful a woman is, if that’s all she has, our eyes will eventually wander. If you’re good with women, it will happen quickly. If you’re a loser, it may take years but it will happen. Every smoking hot woman has an ex-boyfriend who got tired of her shit.
Try a thought experiment. Say you’re taller than average. Imagine that every girl you meet tells you, “Wow you’re tall.” The first couple of times this happens you might take it as a compliment. After a couple hundred times, you’ll just shrug. After it happens a thousand times, it’s going to get annoying.
That gorgeous girl you’re trying to pick up has been told thousands of times by thousands of guys that she’s beautiful. Being Mr. Just-Another-Bozo-With-The-Same-Damn-Line isn’t going to get you far.
Most women will automatically give their friends slack. All their girlfriends are ‘cute’ but they tend to be viciously honest about their own looks. If you tell a woman who’s not beautiful that she’s beautiful as a pickup line, she’ll know you’re lying and will judge you accordingly.
You never tell a woman she’s beautiful when you’re trying to get her number. Once you start dating her, if you’re smart, you’ll then tell her she’s beautiful as often as possible. If you’re actually dating someone, you know her and she knows you. If you still think she’s gorgeous, it’s because you like all of her—not just her looks; now it’s a true compliment. Women love true compliments.
Okay, now that I’ve shot down all your old pickup lines, what’s your new line?
This is where you go back to the basics. Who are you? It doesn’t make any sense to pickup a girl with a line that doesn’t fit your personality. Don’t use a humorous line if you’re not funny. On your first date, she’ll quickly figure out the truth and she’ll be disappointed. Even though you haven’t actually lied to her, you misrepresented who you are. That’s not the way you want to start a relationship.
If you are in fact funny and you’re no longer afraid to approach women, try something like this: all throughout college and into my postgraduate one of my favorite places to meet women was in libraries. I had to study anyway, so it was nice being able to kill two birds with one stone.
I’d try to find a table with a pretty girl and sit across from her. I’d make eye contact with her as I arranged my stuff and then I’d completely ignore her for at least two to three hours. Pretty girls are used to getting attention. They expect guys hit on them or stare at them nervously. You know how it goes. You look at them until they start to look up and then you jerk your eyes away. Dude, I hate to tell you this, but she knows you’re looking at her. And the odds are quite high she thinks you’re a loser. Try not to do the same thing as every other clown, and you’ll become more intriguing.
I generally took a break after a few hours of studying. I’d leave my stuff at the table and go to the restroom or get a drink of water. If the girl was still there when I got back, I’d make eye contact with her as I sat down and give her a quick pleasant smile and then I’d go back to ignoring her for at least another hour.
By ignoring her for so long, I was signaling to her that: one, I wasn’t a stalker. And two, I wasn’t desperate. Neither quality is appealing to women. Finally when I felt the time was right, I’d catch the girl’s eyes. When you do this don’t look away and try not to look nervous. After I was sure I’d gotten her attention, I’d scribble down a note and then slide it over to her.
I’d write, ‘I’d like to buy you a cup of coffee but I don’t want to bother you. If you’d like a cup, please smile. If you don’t, please bang your head on the table three times.’
The girl almost always smiled. There’s nothing better than ending a long day of studying with a date with a pretty girl. I hope you’ve noticed that no lies or falsehoods were used during the commission of this pick up.
If you want to use this technique or something similar, you need to start off by being honest with yourself. Comedy is all about timing. If you don’t get the timing right or you’re exuding the stench of fear, this technique won’t work.
Perhaps the previous technique is too high level for you. Let’s go to a simpler one that doesn’t involve humor. Go to your favorite coffee shop and hang out. We are all social creatures. Most of us do better when we have friends—at least one wing man—to support us. If you can, bring friends. It’ll be easier to pick up women if you have moral support. Use your peripheral vision to study the women around you.
Please don’t do the nervous staring and looking away thing. There’s an interesting difference between men and women. Women tend to be hypersensitive to being looked at. They can almost always tell when a guy is looking at them, whereas guys are almost always oblivious to the fact that a girl is focusing on them.
It happens all the time; years after the fact, some girl comes up to you and tells you she was attracted to you and you had no idea at all. I can guarantee that she was looking at you often and you didn’t notice.
My theory is that women have evolved being hunted, so they’re instinctively hyperaware; men have evolved to do the hunting, so they’re oblivious.
As a rule, women who are happy in a relationship don’t check out the merchandise. Women who are available do. If a woman takes a quick glance at you every fifteen minutes or so, it doesn’t mean she’ll sleep with you or that she desperately wants you. It means she’s open to being approached by you.
If you see a woman checking you out and she’s attractive—that’s great. She’s the one you want to approach. If she’s not that attractive, pretend you didn’t notice her looking at you. Let her think you’re just another oblivious male—it’s the polite thing to do. If no one is checking you out, just focus on the girl you like the most.
Now that you’ve homed in on a particular girl, use your peripheral vision to study her carefully. Does she look like a student? Is she an artist? Does she look like someone who’d write poetry? Can you tell what she does for a living? Look for something that is not just about her physical beauty—something that is individual to the girl you’re interested in.
Once you come up with something, it’s time to be the heroic nerd—gird your loins for battle and stare directly at her until she looks up. Remember you’re the hunter, she’s the prey. Smile and then walk up to her and say, “I noticed you have paint on your fingers, are you an artist?” or “I don’t know why but I got the vibe you write poetry?” It doesn’t matter if your guess is wrong or right. It matters that you aren’t using a line used by a thousand other guys. It matters that you took the time to look for something individual on the girl you’re approaching.
Bad habits are hard to break. When you see a woman who is mind-numbingly stunning, it’s difficult not to do the nervous stare and look away thing. If you find yourself doing that, try to force yourself to NOT jerk your eyes away. It’s difficult to quickly change the look of panic into a smile, but it’s fairly easy to turn a look of panic into a blank stare. Meet her gaze for a second while keeping your face expressionless. Once you get control of your face, smile. Hold that smile for another second, and then casually look away. Congratulations, you’ve just converted the stench of fear into the cologne of confidence.
I was once at a college party with a couple of martial arts buddies. They’d never seen me hit on a girl so when the topic came up, they didn’t believe me when I told them I was a player.
I looked around for the prettiest girl in the room. She was about my height, had dark red hair and green eyes. I stared at her until we made eye contact. I made sure she saw me check her out from her head to her toes and back up again. Then I gave her my best appreciative smirk. Women have a binary response to this technique. They either get pissed or they become intrigued. She didn’t look offended, and I went back to talking to my friends.
I did the same thing a half an hour later and again she looked interested. My friends and I were standing next to the beer. I figured that sooner or later she’d come by. About an hour and a half after I first made eye contact with her, I noticed she was standing a few feet away from me talking to someone else. I tapped her on the shoulder and asked, “Are you here with someone?”
She turned and pointed at a guy across the room. “That’s my boyfriend.”
I asked, “What do I have to do to steal you away?”
When she answered with a warm smile and said, “Oh, I don’t know”, my friends who were listening started laughing so hard they almost fell over.
I found out she was having trouble with her live-in boyfriend and wanted to move out. It was exactly the kind of drama I didn’t want any part of, so I made my excuses quickly and left the party without her. The next day when I was training with my friends, they admitted I had skills and then proceeded to kick my ass, which was what usually happened when we sparred. I was better with women. They were annoyingly better in martial arts.
My friends couldn’t believe that I had the cojones to ask a girl if I could take her away from her boyfriend the first time I talked to her. They didn’t realize I’d been flirting with her for an hour and a half before I first said a word to her. From the way she’d reacted to my appreciative gaze, I knew before I asked that she was open to being stolen.
One of the things men lose sight of when they’ve been rejected by women is that in general women are more social than men. As a group they tend to want to be in a relationship more than we do. We’re motivated by our desire for sex. They’re driven by a desire for long term companionship. I don’t want to sound absolutist—of course men want relationships and women want sex but there is a distinct difference between the sexes in the importance they place on these two things.
Imagine how you’d feel if a woman you didn’t know, out of the blue told you she wanted to be in a committed monogamous relationship with you. I’d feel sick to my stomach and want to run. Now, you have a glimmer of a typical woman’s gut reaction after she’s been sexually propositioned by a stranger.
In their own way for their own reasons, women want to date as much as men. Try not to lie to them. Try not to inadvertently insult them by focusing just on their looks. Use a different line than everybody else. Use your eyes and body language to show them you’re confident. Put enough thought into your opening line to make it individual to them, and you don’t have to be a stone-cold confident player to successfully pick up women.
Picking up women doesn’t have to be a zero-sum game. There doesn’t have to be a winner and a loser. It can be a win-win for both you and the woman you’re trying to pick up. I know it sounds a bit saccharine, but both of you are ultimately looking for love. Karma works. What you throw out into the universe comes right back. Make your pick up attempt a positive experience for the woman. It’ll be better for you if you do.
Chapter 4: Harness the power of positive thinking
Being delusional is generally harmful. Being positive is usually helpful. The difference between the two can be subtle. Try to use the grey zone between the two to your benefit.
There are a number of published psychological studies that show that if every day you write down the things that you’re grateful for, you’ll become measurably happier, your blood pressure will go down, and you’re less likely to become sick. There are huge benefits to being positive.
There are times when it’s clearly delusional to believe that a girl likes you. If you ask a girl out and she says no twice, the odds are she doesn’t like you no matter what her excuse is. The first no could be a result of extenuating circumstances. The second no should be absolute confirmation. Move on, ask another girl out. In this age of sexual harassment claims and date rape charges, no must ABSOLUTELY mean no. You may not think you’re being scary or too aggressive, but you really can’t be certain of what she’s thinking and you DO NOT want to become an inadvertent rapist.
There will be plenty of times when there isn’t enough information available to know if a woman likes you or not. In this case, there’s absolutely no benefit in automatically assuming a woman doesn’t want you. Try not to fill your head with unproven, unnecessary negative thoughts.
Until she says no, assume she’ll say yes. There’s no downside to looking at the glass as being half full. Unless there’s irrefutable proof to the contrary, let yourself believe you’re attractive.
Every woman who hasn’t said no to you can be viewed as a woman who wants you. You may be wrong, but what’s the harm? Try an experiment when you need your spirits lifted. Walk down a busy street and say to yourself, ‘She wants me’ every time you pass a pretty girl. A smile will soon come to your face and eventually you’ll have to fight to keep from laughing. You may be incorrect but you haven’t harmed anyone. There’s nothing wrong with boosting your mood with a bit of harmless positive thinking.
Chapter 5: Use the power of pity
When you saw this title, you thought I was going to teach you how to get pity. You never want a woman to pity you; you want to pity her.
You’re at a bar and you see an attractive girl out with her friends. Hopefully, you’ve learned by now not to do the nervous stare and look away thing. From now on we will call this the ‘Prey-animal’s flinch’. Don’t take on the mannerisms of a prey animal. She’s the prey, you’re the hunter.
You’ll be using your peripheral vision to scope her out without her knowledge; you’re using the ‘Hunter’s gaze.’ Be the powerful hunter. It’s okay if this kind of role-playing seems funny or ridiculous. The whole point of the exercise is to stop feeling weak. Women are repelled by weakness and attracted to power. If becoming a hunter makes you feel powerful, be the hunter. If becoming the hunter makes you laugh—laugh. When you’re laughing, you are not afraid.
You watch her as she tries on a smile and says a few things to her friends. She then takes a quick glance around the room, takes a sip of her drink, drops the smile and looks bored. Boredom is what you’re looking for; this is your signal to cut her from the herd. If she doesn’t look bored, find another target. You want to be a net positive in a woman’s evening, not a net negative. If she’s already having fun, there’s too much risk that you’ll just be bothering her.
Okay, she looks bored. You watch her look up with a hopeful expression as a guy approaches her. Single women go to bars for the same reason single guys do; they want to meet someone. Unfortunately for her and fortunately for you, most of your competition are incompetent, bungling novice hunters. You watch as the guy uses the “Oh you’re so beautiful” line and gets shot down.
Pay particular attention to the loss of hope tinged with despair that shows up on her face once she realizes the guy is another dud. By now, if you’re doing this exercise correctly, you’re having fun and she’s not. It’s okay to feel sorry for her. In fact you want to feel as much pity for her as you possibly can.
In the pit of your stomach, feel how unfair it is for a beautiful woman to be bored in a bar full of single men. In your mind, examine the huge advantage men have over women. We have game consoles; they don’t. We have instantaneous access to hours of mindless fun; they don’t. Even if the woman had an Xbox, it wouldn’t help. She doesn’t have the capacity to enjoy an Xbox. She’s like a child born without fingers who wants to play the piano. It’s a human tragedy! How horrible would it be if you were incapable of enjoying a game console?
When your heart is overflowing with sadness and pity, convert your Hunter’s gaze into a Predator’s gaze. Stare directly at her and when she meets your eyes, smile at her with every emotion you’re feeling. It’s okay if there’s a little bit of laughter in there too. Keep looking at her until she’s absolutely certain you’re going to get up and walk over to her, and then don’t. Turn your head away from her and ignore her completely. Don’t use your hunter’s gaze. Don’t even look in her direction for at least a half hour.
Women want powerful men. Mentally placing yourself in a position of power isn’t harming her. You want her to be thinking, ‘Who is that guy? Why did he smile at me like that? Is he laughing at me? Why isn’t he looking at me again?’ because now she’s no longer bored. With just a look and a smile, you’ve improved her evening. You’ve become a gift-giving altruist bringing joy to those around you.
Try to feel the pressure of her gaze on the back of your neck. You’d be surprised; it’s possible to sense someone looking at you without actually seeing them do it. After a half hour has passed, make eye contact with her again. This time don’t smile. Put on your best puzzled look. Walk up to her using a firm confident stride, never losing eye contact and ask, “I’m sorry if this sounds forward, but have you been looking at me?”
If she blushes, you’re on the right track.
This technique isn’t for everyone. It may or may not fit your style. It’s worth considering because it shows how to use your mental energy to pick up woman. Your thoughts will be reflected in your body language. If you’re having fun, if you are laughing on the inside, a girl will be able to sense it. And the odds are she’ll be attracted.
Chapter 6: Use your good-looking friend
We all know guys who are ridiculously good-looking. They don’t ask women out because sooner or later the women usually ask them out. If you have a friend in this category, he’s a valuable resource you can exploit. Once you explain the deal to him, he’ll be willing to go along because he has an issue too. Women pick him; he never gets to choose the girl. He’ll be interested in an opportunity to talk to the girl he wants.
Edmond Rostand’s 1897 play ‘Cyrano de Bergerac’ is about an articulate man with a monstrously large nose who has a gorgeous, inarticulate friend. Both Cyrano and his friend fall in love with the same beautiful woman. Cyrano doesn’t even try to win her because he knows he’s ugly. His friend asks Cyrano help him. He uses Cyrano’s words to get the girl. It’s a tragedy because the woman actually falls in love with Cyrano, but she ends up with the wrong man. If you ever want a self-serving chick flick with the theme that ugly smart men are better than handsome dumb men, check out ‘Roxanne’ with Steve Martin and Daryl Hannah. It’s based on Rostand’s play.
You can channel de Bergerac without jumping into a tragic love triangle. Go to a bar with your good-looking friend. Let’s call him John. Have John pick out any pretty girl as long as she has an attractive friend.
Women are used to saying no to guys trying to pick them up for themselves. They’re flabbergasted when they come across a guy who is trying to pick them up for someone else. They don’t have a prepared response and they don’t know how to say no. There’s also a heck of a lot less stress on you because the worst that can happen is your friend gets rejected, not you.
All John has to do is sit far away looking studly; since that’s the only weapon in his quiver, he’ll be good with that. Go up to the girl, let’s call her Marsha, and tell her the honest truth. John is attracted to her but he’s too shy to come over. List every single positive trait he has and tell her that all she has to do is go up to him and say hi. If John was listing his great traits, he’d be bragging; it wouldn’t go over well. Since you’re the one praising him, everything you’re saying must be true.
In all the times I’ve done this, I’ve never had a girl refuse to talk to my friend. I can’t say this enough; single girls go to bars for the same reason single guys do. As long as you make it fun for them, they’ll want to talk to you.
Escort Marsha over to John and give them some privacy. Go back to her table and wait with her attractive friend who now thinks you’re funny, unique, and interesting. It’s a win-win for everyone. Once again, you’ve brought joy into the universe. You ARE the gift that keeps on giving.
Chapter 7: Reach out and touch her
Okay, you’ve made your pitch and she’s responded positively. You’re talking to the girl. What do you do next?
Reach out and touch her. But it very definitely has to be the right kind of touch.
Classical actors use their body language, words, and tone to convey emotions they don’t have. Method actors display the thoughts and the emotions they’re actually feeling. We are born method actors. We have to study and train to become classical actors. Unless you’re a great classical actor and have the skills to pretend otherwise, every emotion and thought you have is displayed in your voice, face, and touch.
Every guy has experienced a phenomenon I call the spontaneous stiffy. Teenage boys who experience this reaction almost always get an ‘Oh shit’ expression on their face and they jerk forward to decrease the pressure on their crotch. You are immediately self-conscious because it is embarrassing. It is not sexy or attractive.
The girl you’re slow dancing with knows what’s happening even if you can keep your bulge from touching her. Men eventually grow out of physical stiffies; the mental ones never go away. It doesn’t matter if your wood is physical or mental, a woman can usually tell. A man with lust in his heart has a different touch than a man who doesn’t.
You’re friends with a girl with an awesome personality. You really like her but you aren’t physically attracted to her at all. One day you’re giving her a friendly hug good-bye and you get the feeling she’s imagining you naked. How do you feel? I’m going to bet it’s not good.
Being desired by someone we want is wonderful; being desired by someone we don’t is repulsive. Men and women are different. I’m speaking in generalities here and there are always exceptions to the rule, but if a woman is physically attractive, we usually want her. A woman has to like a man—no matter how attractive he is, before she wants him.
If you put your arm around a girl while mentally undressing her, you’re making a sexual pass. It’s a really awesome way to make her uncomfortable.
So why am I encouraging you to touch her? Before I answer this question, I want you to imagine a happy family on a picnic. Form the mental image of the dad affectionately rubbing his son’s head and giving his daughter a quick hug has he rough houses with them. The mom calls the family to the meal by name and she lightly touches them as she sends them off to do this and that. The brother laughingly insults his younger sister and she playfully slaps him in return.
Now imagine a dysfunctional family eating a meal in silence. There are no displays of affection. The family members hardly ever touch each other—it’s really hard to show affection without touch. That’s why you want to touch the girl you like.
The greatest players are amazing actors; they can fake affection and caring. If you’re reading this book, statistical probability indicates you’re not a player. In which case, you’re better off not trying to fake anything because you’re bad at it.
If you don’t like a girl, don’t touch her. If you like her, be affectionate. If you’re happy to see her, give her a hug. Pat her on the shoulder when you want her attention or want to make a point. We all want to be liked. We all want affection. It is extremely difficult to be happy if you’re not liked.
It’s ironic, but beautiful women have a harder time getting affection than not-so-beautiful women. Other women are jealous. Men are often too intimidated or too lust-filled give them a simple friendly hug. Learn how to use this technique and you might be surprised how much of a positive response you get.
It’s almost impossible to NOT think of something. Don’t try to NOT think of her physical looks. Instead think about how happy you are to see her. Think about why you like her—her sense of humor, her kindness, or how interesting she is—as you touch her.
In the same way there are physical laws of the universe, there are emotional and spiritual laws. Eventually what you send out into the universe comes back. There’s a reason why the best players are almost always miserable and unhappy.
When you pick up a girl, try to be in a game where both of you win. Being with you shouldn’t mean she loses. When I write, “Be the gift that keeps on giving,” I’m trying to be funny—but underneath the joke is a core of truth.
Chapter 8: The golden rule, white lies, and nagging
If you’ve only dated one girl, you won’t be able to tell if her flaws and good points are individual to her or if these traits are universal to all women. The advantage to dating multiple women is that you’re soon forced to lose all hope. God promised man He’d leave incredible women in all the four corners of the Earth. And then He made the world round.
Most of the feminine traits that drive men crazy are universal to all women. If you’re heterosexual and you want to be with a woman, you have to learn how to deal with the differences between us and them.
We all know the golden rule; treat others like you want to be treated. Under pressure we instinctively treat the people we love or hope to love the way we’d want to be treated. If you treat a woman like a man, you’ll die alone—even worse, end up trapped with a pissed off woman for a very long time.
Why are divorces so expensive? They’re worth it. You don’t want to be the guy who knows through personal experience why they’re worth it.
When’s the last time you wanted to be treated like a girl? Growing up when you saw your father kiss your sister and call her beautiful, did you feel jealous? Did you long to be called handsome by your dad?
If you answered yes to any of the above questions, you don’t want what I’ve got to sell. I’d encourage you to return this book and get a refund. If you answered no to all three questions, please read on.
Let’s take it for granted that you don’t want to be treated like a woman. The woman you love or hope to love doesn’t want to be treated like a man. You need to treat her like she wants to be treated; you need to help her treat you like you want to be treated.
This is easier said than done. Following the golden rule is easy. You instinctively know what makes you happy; you don’t instinctively know what makes her happy. The things that please you often annoy her.
Men, especially nerds, tend to be analytical. We want to understand why things happen. You’ve likely been trying to understand since childhood why women do what they do. And you’ve been failing.
Just out of curiosity, I once performed a simple experiment. I asked men and women what they’d do if they just got married and only had enough money to furnish one room at a time. Would they buy an entertainment center they’d use every day or a dining room set they’d use once or twice a year? They had to choose one or the other; they couldn’t have both.
Every man I asked told me that they’d buy the entertainment center. More than ninety percent of the women told me they’d buy the dining room set. I understood why men wanted to buy something they’d use every day over something they’d use just once or twice a year.
I tried to grasp why anyone would want to buy a dining room set. I asked women to explain. Imagine someone trying to describe colors to a person who’s been blind from birth; that’s how I felt while these women described the logical progression behind their choice. As much as I tried, I couldn’t follow their logic. I couldn’t see what they were seeing.
Men like to claim that all women are crazy. Who is crazier, the insane person or the man who’s trying everything possible to be with the insane person? Don’t throw stones; in our own way we’re just as crazy as them.
I decided, after my experiment, not to waste time trying to understand WHY women were different. I focused instead on HOW they were different. Once I started looking at ‘what they did’ rather than ‘why they did.’ I found out that women are surprisingly consistent and easy to predict.
Men hate being lied to—even if it’s a white lie. Women not only like white lies—they ask for them.
When a woman asks you, “Does this dress make me look fat?” The right answer is NEVER, “Honey, dresses don’t make you look fat. Fat makes you look fat.”
If a woman asks you, “Do you ever fantasize about other women while we have sex?” Answering, “Sometimes” will result in pain, I promise you. She’ll never forget this answer.
If your wife asks you, “What would you do if I died?” Don’t tell her, “It’ll suck at first but eventually I’ll move on.” She’ll never forget this answer, either.
When a man asks a question he generally wants the truth—good or bad. If he asks a woman, ‘does this jacket match my pants’, he really doesn’t know if they match or not—he wants the truth. There are times when women answer men with white lies because that’s what they’d want. When we find out we’ve been lied to, we get pissed. If a man doesn’t want a real answer to a question, he doesn’t ask the question. No man who has the delusion that he’s hot ever asks a woman, “Am I good looking?”
With women, there are times where they want the truth and they’re times where they expect white lies—it’s obvious to them which are which. Unfortunately, it’s not always so obvious to us—this often leads to problems because it’s difficult for them to understand how hard it is for us to know when to lie. When we get it wrong (How can you get it wrong? It’s so obvious!), they think we’re insulting them on purpose.
When a woman gets upset, she usually wants to talk because that’s what makes her feel better. When a man gets upset, he tends to withdraw because that’s what makes him feel better. It’s sad and ironic, but the things that make a woman feel better tend to make a man feel miserable and vice versa.
It’s through our fights with women that we ultimately learn if we love them or not. Only a man in love can truly be miserable. If the woman you’re with doesn’t have the power to make you truly miserable, you probably don’t care enough about her. If you haven’t wanted to kill a girl at least once, you shouldn’t marry her.
A couple that never fights, a relationship where there isn’t any conflict, is boring. Boredom kills relationships faster than pain. But pain and misery need to be like garlic on a steak. A little bit adds spice and interest; too much destroys the meal. You don’t need to be afraid of conflict and disagreements, but you also shouldn’t let arguments get out of control.
The most common sign of an unhappy woman is nagging. When a woman nags, it’s a sign that she isn’t getting enough positive attention. When a woman doesn’t get enough positive attention, she’ll instinctively seek negative attention.
If a puppy goes potty in the corner of your room, it’s not enough to spray air freshener over the doggy doo. You have to remove the poop. You have to address the root problem. When a woman nags, it’s not enough to do what she asks. You have to give her the positive attention she needs.
The best way to give a woman who is nagging positive attention is to lie. It’s unpleasant to be nagged. When a woman is angry with you, it is extremely difficult not to be angry back. The greatest gift you can give a woman when you’re angry is a lie; you have to tell her you love her when you don’t—at that moment.
Women may be crazy, but they aren’t stupid. When you tell them you love them when you really want to kill them, they know that you’re telling the Mount Everest of white lies—and they’ll love you for it. You’ll be amazed at how quickly they stop being angry.
I know this sounds insane. The only way you’ll believe me is if you try it and it works. If you’re being driven nuts by the woman you love, what have you got to lose?
Chapter 9: The value of experience
There are men who are content to be with just one woman for their entire lives. I wasn’t one of them. I’ve dated hundreds of women. By the time I was in my late twenties, the standard pick up became so easy that it was almost boring. The more experience I got, the more jaded I became. I dealt with this by becoming more and more extreme. It wasn’t until a prostitute wanted to have a relationship with me that I realized I needed to change my path—that the extreme wasn’t working for me.
After that, I became much pickier about the women I asked out. It took a lot of trial and error but I eventually learned that I preferred quality over quantity. For some men, two fives make a ten—for others it adds up to fifty-five. It helps to know which one you are.
I know many intelligent men. I’ve never met one who was smart enough to learn from other people’s mistakes. The best I’ve seen anyone do is to learn from his own mistakes after a couple of failures rather than hundreds, or never.
My goal isn’t to try to help you avoid mistakes. I encourage you to make them; no one gets better at anything without mistakes. My hope is that by reading this book, you’ll learn how to avoid making the same mistake over and over again.
We can choose how we act. We can’t choose what we want. If we could, would anyone pick being homosexual? Our society has become more tolerant, but life is still much harder for those who are different. I suspect that if people had a choice, very few would choose to be that kind of different. Since we don’t have the ability to choose what we want, the best we can do is to understand the parameters of our own desires. To do that, we need experience.
There are men out there who marry their high school sweethearts and are happy to be with that one woman for the rest of their lives. There are others who are miserable in the same situation. It helps to know which one you are before you get engaged.
When I was a player hopping from one woman to the next, I was never satisfied. I was always bored. I thought I didn’t have it in me to be happy or content. I may cause some of you to upchuck by writing this, but I didn’t know how to be happy until I met my wife.
Prior to meeting her, the longest I’d dated anyone was six months. My average relationship lasted three weeks. I had a lot of one night stands. All the time I’d spent in the past getting into failed relationships, all the work I’d put into figuring out why they failed helped me recognize I’d found the one I was looking for. I knew on our second date I wanted to marry her. I proposed to her exactly one hundred days after our first date and I’ve been happy ever since.
Most of the people who knew me before my marriage thought it wouldn’t last—that I’d never be content with just one woman. Now when I go out with my male friends, I don’t notice attractive women unless my friends point them out for me. Whenever I focus on a pretty girl I don’t know, I get PTSD flashbacks of waking up next to a woman I didn’t like. I involuntarily recall countless breakup conversations—all agonizing in their own special ways. I know in my deepest core, how NOT green it is on the other side of the fence.
I’m not recommending you follow the path I did. Looking back at my life, I can’t believe how long it took for me to realize what I wanted. As a guy who’s always taken pride in my analytical skills, I’m embarrassed that it took hundreds of failures for me to understand what worked for me and what didn’t.
Few players have the ability to hang it up like me. What makes me different? It probably has a lot to do with my oxytocin levels.
Oxytocin is a neurochemical that is also known as ‘the love hormone.’ The inability to excrete oxytocin has been linked to the inability to feel empathy. The science of oxytocin secretion is not completely understood, but it appears that the pleasure of orgasms is directly linked to oxytocin levels you get during sex. The higher the concentration of oxytocin you get, the better the sex is.
It’s common knowledge that some women reach orgasm easily and that others don’t. It isn’t as well known that there’s a similar level of variability among men. For as many men out there with problems with premature ejaculation there are others who are able to obtain an erection but have difficulty coming. Just like women, these men fake orgasms. Our oxytocin levels during sex have a lot to do with how enjoyable or even addicting sex can be for us.
Every study on human sexuality has revealed that infidelity is common, but it isn’t as common as fidelity. We can be cynical because cheating occurs frequently or we can be optimistic because there are more monogamous couples than non-monogamous.
There are two extremes of oxytocin production during sex. In one there is a low level of oxytocin the first time a person has sex with another followed by steadily increasing levels as long as the person is having sex with the same partner until a high plateau is reached. If you have this pattern, you tend to be monogamous because sex with a new partner isn’t that good and sex with the old partner is great.
On the other extreme, there is a huge bolus of oxytocin produced the first time a person is with a new partner, followed by steadily decreasing levels of oxytocin each time the two of them have sex. There are case reports of people who claim that sex with a new partner gives them a better high than shooting up heroin. Not surprisingly, these people frequently become addicted to sex. If you have this pattern, it’s difficult for you to be monogamous.
Most of us fall somewhere in between these two extremes; more of us trend toward monogamy than otherwise.
Which pattern we follow is determined by our genes. In our lifetimes, it’ll likely be possible for us to get a genetic test to see if we’re prone to monogamy or not. Until then, the only way we can determine what kind of oxytocin pattern we have is to have sex and then see how we react.
I’m not religious but I’m also not anti-religion. For the most part, the happiest, most centered people I know are believers. The most irritating, un-centered people I know tend to be rabidly secular. If you have strong religious convictions that tell you to avoid premarital sex, please don’t break them on my account. There are too many advantages to living a life you’re proud of to give them all up for a bit of self-knowledge. But if you are having sex or if you’ve had sex outside of marriage, it’s a waste not to learn something from your experiences.
Biology is not destiny. I had no idea how good sex could be until I found a woman I loved. The fact that one night stands didn’t feel all that great didn’t stop me from having them over and over again. We have the ability to overcome our genetic preferences, but our lives are much better if we understand them.
If you’re the kind of guy that has incredible, mind-blowing sex the first time you’re with a woman and are bored out of your mind by the twentieth time, you have the ability to remain committed and faithful, but you’ll eventually lose interest in having sex with her. You have the prerogative to live a life without enjoyable sex. But is it fair to make that decision for your partner without her knowledge?
Women have the same oxytocin patterns as men. You may be the monogamous type but if you’re thinking about committing long term to a woman who was out of control when you were first with her and now she’s yawning, you may want to re-think that commitment.
If you’re lucky enough to end up with the perfect woman in your first or second relationship, I’m happy for you. If you aren’t, learn from your failed relationships. Science is a fancy name for trial and error. You’re a nerd. You should be open to using science to improve your life. Try not the date the same kind of women over and over again. Try to learn what you really want. Figure out what works for you.
Chapter 10: Learn the difference between real and fake friendships
A true friend likes you exactly as you are. They know all your flaws and they don’t care. You never have to worry about putting your best foot forward or hiding your real opinions when you’re around your friends.
It’s easy to tell who your guy friends are because you don’t want to have sex with any of them. If a guy is annoying, he isn’t a friend.
It’s harder with women. Sexual tension makes it difficult for us to see what’s real and what isn’t. A woman may be annoying but if she’s hot, you might be reluctant to avoid her.
It doesn’t matter whether they’re male or female, physically attractive or unattractive: if you want to sleep with someone, that person is a potential lover and not a friend. We always treat our lovers and potential lovers differently than we treat our friends.
Most men aren’t good listeners. We love to complain about women. We love to converse about sports and gear but we don’t really listen to anyone except people we want to sleep with. Even with them, most of the time we’re pretending we’re paying attention. If you’ve never patiently listened to a friend weep and patted his hand with sympathy as he explains how his girlfriend hurt him, you’re probably not acting like yourself when you do the same for an attractive girl. You’re being a fake friend.
I recommend you stop doing that for reasons both moral and practical.
I’ll review the moral reason first. It isn’t good Karma to fake being someone you’re not. You may be able to fake being sensitive and caring while you’re horny, but as soon as you’re satisfied you’ll revert to your old self. You won’t be able to help it; that’s just how the male brain works. If the girl fell for your act and started dating you, you’d never be able to keep it up. It’s always unethical to pull a bait and switch.
The practical reason for not being a fake friend is it will never lead to what you want. In movies and novels, fake friends often end up with the girl. This happens because almost all male script writers and novelists are nerds who make livings writing about their fantasies. It doesn’t happen in real life.
If the girl really wants to be your friend, she REALLY isn’t attracted to you. The best you can hope for is being loved like an adopted brother. If she’s anything close to normal, she will not be attracted to family members.
“But”, you protest, “being a fake friend is working! Just the other day she said, ‘I wish my boyfriend was more like you’. She’s totally into me!”
Let’s analyze her statement. First what were you doing when she said that? The odds were good that you were doing something men almost never do—you were carefully listening to her. You were also caring and empathetic. To put it bluntly, you weren’t acting like a man; you were acting like a girl.
When men get frustrated with their girlfriends, they often say, “I wish she’d be reasonable!” Men often wish women would be more like men.
When a girl gets frustrated with her boyfriend, she often says, “I wish he’d stop being so stupid and insensitive!” She’s wishing that her boyfriend would be more like a girl. So when a frustrated girl compares you favorably to her ex or current boyfriend, she’s comparing you (an honorary girl) to him (a real man).
Unfortunately for you, in a competition for a heterosexual girl’s affections, an honorary girl never beats a real man.
You don’t have to be an asshat or treat a woman badly to be a real man. There’s a fine line that separates ‘nice guy’ from ‘honorary girl’. You just need to avoid stepping over that line.
If you don’t want to be effectively neutered in a woman’s eyes, you mustn’t let her complain about ex or current boyfriend to you. Seriously, do you really want to hear this?
So how do you stop her? My initial suggestion is to yawn. It’s not hard to make a yawn when you’re really bored. Most women will get the message and let you change the topic. If a yawn doesn’t stop her, say this: “I’d much rather talk about us than him.”
It’s a bold statement that cuts through all the bullshit. It tells her exactly where you stand. A woman wouldn’t be talking to you about another guy if she was interested in you. The odds are high that she’ll reject you, but at least now you will no longer be wasting time and energy on a false hope.
Chapter 11: How to talk to a girl
The pick up line is the first step. The girl is now willing to hear your spiel. What are you going to say?
I’ll list a few techniques that I used to make small talk with women. If they fit your personality, you’re welcome to use them. If they don’t, try to come up with other techniques that better fit your style.
My goal isn’t to turn you into a mini, less-original version of me. I’m trying to give you the tools to turn you into the best you possible. I’m attempting to help you find the girl you want to be with long term. Your relationship is doomed if you start it off by pretending to be someone you’re not. Whatever technique you use, it has to be consistent with the real you.
If you try to talk to her about the things you’re interested in—sports, electronic equipment, cars, et al—the odds are high you’ll bore her in seconds. There are girls who are interested in this kind of stuff, but they’re extremely rare. Please don’t ask her deep probing questions about herself. We’ve talked about that before—that’ll just turn you into an honorary girl. It’s bad enough when a girl is trying to neuter you—don’t castrate yourself.
If I wanted to try humor, I’d sometimes use this opening line, “What does a man with a twelve-inch penis eat for breakfast?”
Most times, she’d be taken aback—not knowing how to deal with a guy who starts a conversation about penises. I’d just sit there with a grin on my face waiting for her to say, “I…I don’t know.”
It’s essential you put on a ridiculous look of pride on your face as you say, “Well, I eat oatmeal.”
Don’t laugh after you say this line. When she starts laughing in surprise, pretend to be offended.
If your timing and facial expression is just right, she’ll begin laughing even harder. When she finally stops, you claim, “I’m not joking!” If you time this right, she’ll lose it, again.
If the joke goes well, stop talking about penises—one risqué joke is funny and unusual. It’s funny because it’s unexpected. Multiple dirty jokes in a row to a girl you don’t really know is creepy.
You’ve broken the ice; now tell her all the funny stories you know. Talk about the time you almost got arrested and then ask her if anything like that happened to her. Your goal isn’t to be a standup comic; it’s to get to know her in an entertaining way. Every joke and story you tell should lead to a light-hearted question prompting her to tell a story of her own.
Almost everyone has a story about how they snuck out of their house without their parent’s knowledge. Get her to tell you if she ever did that.
If the opening joke didn’t go well, find another girl to talk to—first impressions are important and you’ve just blown it.
Let’s pretend that you’re not funny and way too uptight to ever tell a penis joke—especially to a girl you just met. You can still learn something. Let’s analyze why this was one of my favorite opening lines.
1. It was unusual. Very few men tell risqué jokes to women they’re trying to pick up.
2. It was self-deprecating. I was encouraging the girl to laugh at me.
3. It takes a lot of confidence to pull a joke like this off. Women are attracted to confidence.
Any conversational approach that is unusual, self-deprecating, and exudes confidence will work.
What if you’re dead set on learning something about the girl? If that’s how you want to play it, try to keep the usual boring questions like, “Where are you from? What do you do?” to a minimum. Try to ask questions no man has ever asked them before. One of my favorite opening lines was, “Everything about you screams ‘Virgin’ to me.”
Whenever I said this, I’d get embarrassed laughter. Then they’d ask why I got that vibe. I would list every trait that made the woman look like ‘a girl next door.’ I’d talk about the pastel colors she was wearing, the minimal, subtle make up she had on, and how her entire vibe gave me the impression, she wasn’t experienced.
I’d ask her if she’d picked the colors she was wearing on purpose. I’d get her talking about what kind of style she had and what kind of guys she thought she attracted with that style. I knew that things were going well if I could get the girl to tell me if she was a virgin or not.
Again, let’s pretend that you can’t ever see yourself telling anyone she looks like a virgin. What can you learn from this technique?
1. I wasn’t asking questions the girl had answered thousands of times before.
2. I was making her think. Women usually don’t consider why they’re picking one color versus another. Everyone knows that different colors convey different emotions. I made these women think about the message they were sending. Because of our conversation, the girl was learning something new about herself.
3. I was giving her a subtle compliment. Few women, especially women who have the ‘girl next door’ style want to look like sluts.
4. By bringing up what her appearance told me about her and getting the girl to confirm if I was right or not, I was provoking an actual back and forth conversation. Too often discussions between men and women devolve into just one person talking and the other relegated to saying ‘Uh-huh’, ‘yes’, ‘no’, and ‘how interesting’. These one-sided conversations are almost always deathly boring.
I’ll make these points over and over again: Be different! Be creative! And don’t be slimy. Body language is actually more important than the words you’re using. Instinctively we all know words can be lies. Instinctively we all know that very few people can use body language to lie. If you are undressing the girl in your mind, if you’re imagining having sex with her, she might not know why she’s uncomfortable but she’ll definitely be uncomfortable.
If all you’re focusing on when you talk to the girl is how to make your conversation fun for her, she’ll be able to sense that.
So what do you do if you aren’t funny or creative? You study and learn a topic that bores the hell out of most guys and interests most women, like palm reading, astrology, and fashion. The average guy will scoot away from you if you offer to read his palm. Most women are fascinated by this stuff. Buy a book on palm reading and astrology and learn enough about it that you actually know your stuff. Too many women actually know enough about these topics for it to be safe for you to bullshit your way through it. The women that know something about palm reading and astrology will be the ones who are most impressed by your knowledge. They’ll think, “Finally! Here is a man who knows something interesting.”
If you can’t force yourself to learn mystical mumbo-jumbo, try being the first heterosexual man she’s ever met who knows the difference between Manolo Blahnik and Jimmy Choo shoes. Heterosexual men who know fashion are extremely rare. You’ll stand out. If fashion doesn’t work for you, find another topic women like.
Genius is one percent inspiration, nine-nine percent perspiration. It takes hard work and a lot of practice to become a great conversationalist. Being able to talk to girls is a skill like any other. It isn’t a trait that will effortlessly, miraculously appear from inside you. If you think, study, and practice, you don’t have to suck at it.
Chapter 12: Pay attention to body language
Dr. Louann Brizendine, a clinical professor of psychiatry at the University of California, San Francisco, claims that a woman uses about twenty thousand words per day, while a man uses about seven thousand. The corollary to this statement is that a woman can actually hear and process up to twenty thousand words a day while a man can only hear and process seven thousand. I’ve never read her work so I don’t know how robust her research is, but intuitively her claims make sense.
My life experiences tell me that the male and female brains are different and that the average woman uses way more words than an average man can hear and process.
I asked my wife to conduct an experiment with me. Like most wives, she has complained for years that I don’t hear a single word she says. I asked her to try to tell me the things she wanted me to remember in the mornings rather than the evenings. I wanted her to tell me important things before I’d reached the upper limits of words I was able to hear and process in a day. Our little experiment worked. I was much better at remembering things I heard in the morning than in the evening.
Since it is impossible for you to hear every word that a girl is saying to you, I’d advise you to stop trying. Men have a limited ability to listen to women. As long as a woman’s attractive, we have an unlimited ability to watch her. Since it’s inherently impossible for you to hear and remember every word she says, use her visual cues and her body language to determine what you need to hear and what you don’t.
Let’s be honest here—most women bore us in the same most men bore women. It is interesting to watch an attractive woman. More often than not, it is not interesting to listen to her. If you’re doing something interesting, you’re less likely to fall into a daydream. By watching her, you’ll be able to tell when you have to listen.
When people say something important to them, they tend to go completely still or they make a forceful motion. Watch for these signs; when you see them listen carefully. When you don’t it’s probably okay to let the woman’s words flow past you.
When you’re picking up a girl and when you’re on your first date, you’ll want to remember everything she thinks is important. Watch to see if she is leaning toward you or away from you—away is bad. Is she moving her hands as she talks or does she have her arms crossed—arms crossed is bad. The best of all signals is if she runs her fingers through her hair when she looks at you. This usually means she’s physically attracted to you.
When she shows you the bad signs, change what you’re doing—it isn’t working. When she shows you the right signs, you’re on the right track—keep it going.
After you’re married or if you’re living with a girl, life will be a lot easier for you if you take a second to take in the light of your life’s body language when you come home. If she gives you a quick kiss hello and then turns her head away from you talking to you as she does other stuff, you’re fine—it’s safe to let her words become white noise.
If she keeps eye contact with you—worse has her hands on her hips or arms crossed—you’re in deep shit; you’d better listen to what she has to say. She’s already pissed; you don’t want to piss her off more by making her repeat herself.
Chapter 13: There’s a better way to kiss her good night
The end of the date tends to stressful for both men and women. The woman’s thinking, ‘Is he going to try to kiss me?’ The guy is thinking, ‘Is she going to let me kiss her?’ It doesn’t have to be this awkward.
You’re at the girl’s door and she hasn’t asked you in. If she asks you in, don’t be a fool—go in.
She’ll probably thank you for a nice night out. You tell her it was your pleasure and then you make eye contact and slowly enter her personal space. If she steps back, she doesn’t want to be kissed. Give her a polite smile, wave good-bye, and leave. You’ve been rejected with the least amount of awkwardness possible. Depending on how good the rest of the date was, you may or may not want to call her again.
If she doesn’t step back, she wants to kiss you. Congratulations, now get it done as confidently as possible.
There aren’t that many opportunities in real life to watch other people kiss. I’ve noticed that in movies, the guy seems to always move forward for the kiss rather than pulling the girl toward him. Most women at one point in their life have had a fantasy of being swept away by a man. Pulling the girl toward you plays into that fantasy.
There’s only one first kiss in a relationship. You might as well sweep her away. Reach out with one hand and place it on the small of her back, pull her toward you, and kiss her.
Chapter 14: Say the right words before she does
Please skip this chapter if you’re not interested in premarital sex. I seriously considered leaving this chapter out because it’s the only chapter where I’m going to teach you something that’s completely manipulative. After much thought and internal debate, I asked myself if I wanted my own son to know this trick. My answer was yes, which led to another question. Would I want my daughter to know this trick? Every player I’ve ever met uses this technique. I decided I absolutely wanted my daughter to recognize when this trick was being used on her.
It’s a simple secret. If you tell a girl, “I don’t want to sleep with you tonight. I want to take it slow” before she does, the chances of you being able to sleep with her that night will skyrocket.
If you say those words first, she won’t. If you’re the only one saying “We should slow down”, no one slows down. If she says “We need to slow down”, she will slow everything down.
The probability is high that when you say these words, you will be lying—that you really do want to sleep with her tonight and you don’t want to go slow. If you’re a horrible liar, for God’s sake don’t lie. The point of using techniques is to improve your chances, not decrease them.
I always used this line after the girl and I started making out. As soon as I felt her hesitate or tense slightly, I’d pull away and tell her I cared too much about the future of our relationship to want to hurry things. If I delivered the line right, her face would soften and then I’d start kissing her again.
I can tell you from considerable personal experience the technique is extremely effective. I can’t tell you why. My best guess is that it’s one of those differences between male and female brains that often make us mutually incomprehensible to each other.
Chapter 15: Know when to hold them; know when to fold them
Never stay with a woman out of fear. There’s nothing more pitiful than a man who stays with a woman who’s not good enough because he thinks he can’t do better.
If you learn how to pick up girls, you won’t ever have to be a coward. You’ll be able to break up with any woman, confident you’ll be able to get another.
There are as many differences among human beings as there are similarities. From the very first, I’ve tried to make it clear that my techniques will only work for guys who know how to think. I’ve dated and have been with a lot of women, but I’m not trying to claim that my insights are universal to the rest of the 3.5 billion females on our planet. I feel that I have a reasonable statistical sampling, but my advice is based only on my personal experience.
I encourage you to read this book with a skeptical mind. If my descriptions and analyses of women don’t match the women you know, make your own analyses and judgments.
Life is better if you can problem solve. I often see men who have no problem debugging code or fixing engines freeze helplessly when they have woman problems. Yes, women are complicated, but that doesn’t mean you can’t use your mind to figure them out.
It’s ridiculous for a man who can learn how to use Linux to NOT learn how to predict women. It’s silly for a guy who can repair and maintain his home, vehicle, tools and equipment to not learn how to fix and maintain his own relationship.
If you’re heterosexual, you need to prioritize! Women are more important than gear or video games!
Nothing here is written in stone, and I am certainly not inspired by God. You don’t have to agree with me; my goal is to have you problem solve women and relationships the same way you do code, engines, plumbing, and wiring.
If what I recommend makes sense, try to follow my advice. If it doesn’t, try to come up with your own solutions.
There are countless books out there sorting women into different types. The American Psychiatric Association publishes the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). If you want an exhaustive list of every mental disorder than people can get, this is a good resource
For our purposes, I’ll separate women into three types: normal, victim, and vampire. I encourage you to stay with the normals and avoid the victims and vampires.
Normal women react normally. If you treat them well, they’re happy. If you treat them badly, they’re not. When life goes well, they’re content. When bad things happen, they get depressed.
Normal women’s brains are hardwired differently than normal men’s brains. Because of this, to a certain degree all women are crazy to all men and vice versa. But there are normal differences and abnormal differences. I’ll discuss victims and vampires in later chapters. I’ll focus on normal women in this chapter.
Our desires come from our innermost instincts. Outside the need to survive, one of man’s strongest instinctive desires is to have sex with as many attractive women as possible. Further down the list of priorities is our need to be with a woman we love. It’s common for us to pursue a woman with everything we’ve got, and then completely lose interest as soon as we catch her. When this happens, it reveals that the only thing that was driving us was lust and that the woman had nothing else we wanted.
It’s unfortunate, but most men (and this certainly includes me) are too dumb to know when their desire is driven by true attraction or just pure lust. I’m certain there are enormous advantages to being celibate until you get married. Never having tried that, I can’t tell you what they are. One of the advantages of premarital sex is that once you’re done, you get immediate visceral feedback about how you really feel about the woman you’re with.
If you have sex with a girl and afterwards you immediately want to head for the horizon, then Run Forrest, Run—just as far and as fast as you can. Your subconscious is telling you that the only thing going on between you and her is physical, and that once your hormonal needs are satisfied, there’s nothing left.
It’s not uncommon for a girl who makes you to want to flee to have great traits. If you pursued her and slept with her, by definition she was physically attractive. Often she’ll have other traits such as a good sense of humor or common interests. You might be tempted to try to make it work, especially after a few days when you’ve gotten horny again.
All the guys I’ve seen overcome their initial visceral need to flee eventually regret it. They can’t ever get that small, quiet, nagging voice in the back of their heads to stop whispering that they could do better.
Most normal women aren’t sluts. Most normal women don’t want to sleep with a man who has no intention of ever committing to them. It’s an asshole move to sleep with a girl when you know there’s no chance of anything coming out of it.
As previously mentioned, there are already plenty of assholes, but I’d also encourage you to not be an asshole for your own sake. It’s a rare asshole who isn’t miserable. If you want a reasonable chance at happiness, DON’T be an asshole.
Okay, what do you do when you sleep with a girl and afterwards you want to stay with her forever? You should trust your gut but verify that it’s correct.
It’s much easier to break up with a girl you like than it is with a girl you love. Everyone is on their best behavior at the beginning of a relationship and it’s hard to keep level headed when you’ve just found someone new.
If you think you’ve found THE ONE, I recommend you meet her friends and family as quickly as possible. You should also introduce her to your friends and family.
It’s a rare man who volunteers to meet a girl’s parents early in a relationship. Every time I’ve asked to do that, the girl was pleased; it meant I was taking our relationship seriously. Your mental attitude makes a difference when you meet someone. Most of my friends were scared shitless the first time they met their girlfriend’s parents. My friends always made the mistake of waiting until they were totally in love. They had too much to lose if the parents didn’t like them.
If I thought a girl could be the right one for me, I always tried to meet her parents when I just liked her. If they didn’t like me, it wasn’t as big of a deal. I looked for things like, ‘Was the mom overweight?’ ‘Was the dad a dick?’ ‘How well did the parents get along?’ and ‘Did the girl and her dad have issues?’
Genetics matter—if the mom’s overweight, there’s a much higher probability that your girlfriend will eventually be overweight too. If the father is a complete dick or her mom’s a bitch, future family get togethers are going to be ugly. The environment that your girlfriend grew up in is important—if her parents get along well, the odds are good that she’ll know how to get along with a guy. If her parents don’t get along, the odds are that she won’t.
One of a girl’s most important relationships is the one she has with her father. That relationship will color every other male relationship she ever has. If she has major daddy issues, you won’t be able to avoid the aftermath.
I was always too busy checking out the parents to worry about what they thought of me. I often got the feedback that I made my girlfriend’s parents a little nervous. It beat the alternative—being nervous around them. If someone has to do any judging, it might as well be you.
You and the girl may be putting your best foot forward, but your friends and family members won’t be. If you find her friends and family members annoying, it’s a really bad sign. If your friends and family members don’t like her, again that’s a really bad sign. They have the ability to stay objective—they’re not sleeping with her. Our friends and family members usually have our best interests at heart. If they really don’t like the girl, they’ll usually have good reasons.
Relationships take a lot of work. It helps to start off with as many advantages as possible. If her friends and family like you and your friends and family like her, your relationship is off to a great start. If there’s no group love, it doesn’t mean you have to call it off, but it should give you something to think about.
Chapter 16: How I learned to avoid vampires
A vampire is a beautiful woman who has an insatiable need for male attention. She can be recognized by the small harem of male worshippers she keeps around her. She usually has a boyfriend, but no one man can ever satisfy her need for positive male attention—hence the harem. The vampire doesn’t like competing for masculine attention. If she has female friends, those friends are always much, much less attractive than she is.
The vampire’s preferred prey is a nerd who’s too inexperienced with women to know that he’ll never have anything real with her. If she sees any sign of the nerd finally losing interest, she’ll throw him a small emotional tidbit to keep him in his cage. On extremely rare occasions she might even sleep with him; when she does, it isn’t to build a relationship but to keep him semi-content in his chains. She is unbelievably good at keeping sex just out of reach of the nerd even after she’s slept with him.
I met my first vampire when I was a sophomore in college, and I learned how to get her to date me by accident. I was taking a History of WWII class. There was only one girl in the entire class and she always came to class late.
The first time she entered the classroom, our male instructor stopped in mid-sentence and stared at her. We all did. She had long silky black hair, olive complexion, and curves in places where most other women don’t even have places. She wore a tight tank top and short shorts that left little to imagination.
Every single guy in the room was praying, “Please, please sit next to me.”
A couple of the guys in the room knew her and waved her over to them. We all watched her bounce to her seat.
She was at least ten minutes late for every class. Every time she walked in, all the guys except me stopped and watched her until she sat down. By then, I’d dated a number of women who were just as good-looking, and I’ve always been a contrarian; I’m naturally inclined to do the opposite of everyone else. The third time she was late, I didn’t look up when she came into the room. I made it a point to ignore her from then on. A couple weeks after I stopped paying attention to her, she began to sit next to me.
It was so obvious that she wanted me to hit on her. I didn’t. It amused me to frustrate her.
About a month into the class, I was in a student lounge completely wrapped up in a good book when I looked up. She was sitting at the same table I was. I saw from her face that I’d probably been accidentally ignoring her for awhile. I couldn’t help it; I laughed at how uncomfortable she looked and then asked, “Aren’t you in my History of WWII class?”
She said, “Yes.”
I introduced myself and then said, “I don’t know if you can tell, but most of the guys in our class find you unbelievably attractive.”
I watched her as she began to smile and then stop when she figured out what I’d said wasn’t necessarily a compliment. I left immediately afterwards.
Even back then, I knew the best way to attract a girl who seeks attention is to withhold it, and that one of the best ways to stand out from the pack to a woman who gets compliments all the time is to give her a backhanded one.
She kept on sitting next to me in class. For the most part I ignored her. Every other class or so, I’d say hi. Near the end of the semester after a class, I asked her out on a date. I wasn’t surprised when she accepted. I found out on the date that she was seventeen and that she had skipped two years of school. She was extremely bright but also extremely young and inexperienced.
I felt like I was on a date with a ten-year-old—she was that immature. I always considered myself narcissistic. She was so much better at it than me, I felt like a tiny dim candle sitting next to the sun. She spent our entire date talking about herself. The only thing I could interject was, ‘Uh huh’ from time to time.
At the end of our date, I walked her to her door. I stepped in close; she lifted her face up toward mine, closed her eyes, and slightly opened her mouth. The girl had the body of a beautiful woman and emotional maturity of a ten-year-old. I couldn’t kiss her; I would have felt like a pedophile. I grabbed her right hand in a firm grip and shook her hand twice and said, “Thanks for an interesting night.” The shock in her now wide-open eyes was hilarious. It almost made up for the rest of the date. I told myself in the future to try to avoid that degree of narcissism. I didn’t know it at the time but I’d just had a date with a baby vampire.
She was smart and beautiful. With time and experience, I’m sure she became a much better vampire.
One of the greatest discoveries of modern medicine is the science of vaccinations. If a human being is exposed to a weakened or dead virus, we’re made immune to the stronger virus. I had no idea at the time, but my date with the baby vampire helped immunize me against the adult variety.
The next vampire I met was when I was in graduate school. A friend of a friend was one of her victims and was totally in love with her. If the guy had been one of my friends, I wouldn’t have made a play for her.
This vampire had skills. She had the hot librarian look down. She was intelligent, funny, and could talk gear and science like the best of guys. It was almost impossible for a nerd NOT to fall in love in her. I was totally intrigued by her because she didn’t make sense. Normal women use their body language to tell you if they want you or not. When you give a normal girl a friendly hug, you can tell by what she does with her center of balance if she views you as a potential lover or not. If she leans away, she’s repulsed by you. If her center of balance doesn’t shift, she thinks you’re just a friend. If she leans into you, she’s open to something physical.
The vampire’s body language was contradictory. It was always come hither to a certain point, and then it was go away. There were times when she leaned into me and other times when she leaned away.
I knew she gave other guys the, ‘I want to be friends’ speech all the time. I didn’t make an attempt to be her friend; by then I’d given up on fake friendships. My goal was to be a friendly acquaintance until I figured her out. After awhile, I could tell that it bothered her that I wasn’t in love with her like all her other ‘friends.’ I noticed she didn’t have a single girlfriend and that all her guy friends were worshipers. In some ways she reminded me of the baby vampire.
So I tried an experiment. One day when we were alone, I told her she was beautiful, intelligent, and funny. For almost five minutes I praised her truthfully letting her know all the great things I noticed about her, and then when it was clear to me she was convinced I was in love with her and just about to start giving me the friend speech, I started lying.
I told her I didn’t know how it was possible since she was so sexy and beautiful, but for some strange reason I wasn’t physically attracted to her as a woman. I told her that emotionally she felt just like a guy to me. In fact if I closed my eyes, I totally got the vibe she was a guy. I told her that I knew we’d be great friends because there wasn’t any sexual tension to get in the way.
Normal women react normally. Insult any normal woman—tell her she’s not sexually attractive at all— and she’ll want nothing to do with you. Abnormal women react differently. At the time, I didn’t know anything about vampires. All I knew was that normal techniques wouldn’t work on this girl, so I tried something different.
After that conversation she stopped giving me mixed messages. She tried everything in her power to seduce me. Eventually I let her. After we had sex, I recognized the look on her face. It was the same look I got when I slept with the wrong girl. If I hadn’t been so good at hiding that look myself, I probably wouldn’t have known what I was seeing.
It was a funny kind of sad to be on the opposite side of that look. I wasn’t upset. I have a lot of flaws, but hypocrisy isn’t one of them; I had no right to be upset about something I’d done so many times. I watched her get dressed and escape from the scene of the crime as fast as I’ve ever done. Even though I should have known better, I tried to make a relationship work with her. If I treated her well she lost interest, if I treated her like I didn’t want her she came back.
The vampire and I had a lot in common. We had similar interests and a similar sense of humor. In a lot of ways good and bad, we deserved each other. When we talked about gear or philosophical questions, I had as much fun with her as I did with any of my best guy friends, but I got tired of having to ill treat someone I liked in order to be with her. I had no interest in becoming one of her worshippers, so I broke up with her after a few months. As expected, when I truly wanted to leave, she really tried to keep me in the relationship.
I’m not one to ever a mistake just once so I had to date a couple more vampires before I learned it was a waste of time.
Chapter 17: Why you should avoid victims
A victim is a woman who is convinced she needs to be punished. She always gravitates to men who abuse her. If you treat her well, she’ll want to be your friend. She’ll have absolutely no interest in being your lover.
Any man like me who has asshole tendencies absolutely needs to avoid victims. You are what you do. If you act like a complete asshole, you are a complete asshole.
There’s a part in every one of us that wants to please the women we’re with. In their heart of hearts, victims want to be abused. Unless you like abusing women, you should stay away from them.
Chapter 18: The time of the month matters, sometimes
Let’s go back to talking about normal women. Men have a tendency to think that everything a woman does is crazy and irrational. It’s extremely difficult for men to know when normally sane women are actually truly irrational.
I’m pretty sure you’re aware of this, but it needs to be said, ‘Women menstruate and it sometimes affects their emotions.’ Premenstrual syndrome or PMS is a real medical diagnosis. It refers to a constellation of physical and mental symptoms that affect seventy-five percent of women in their childbearing years, five to eleven days before their monthly cycle. Half of the women with PMS also have a psychiatric disorder called premenstrual dysmorphic disorder or PMDD, which is a more severe and debilitating version of PMS.
The take home point of PMS is one out of three women will go bug-shit crazy for a few days to a week before her period. If you’re in a long term relationship, you need to understand that PMS often gets a lot worse after your partner turns thirty.
I’ll admit freely that someone else had the insight that I’m discussing in this chapter. I’ll call him M. M was in college dating a wonderful girl named D. They’d get along great but periodically get into a fight about something completely irrational. One day he happened to glance at a calendar and it occurred to him that their fights might have something to do with his girlfriend’s cycles.
He got out his pen and put a little dot on the days he remembered getting into fights. It was clear that they occurred on a four week cycle. Just as he was finishing making his dots, D came up to him and asked, “What are you doing?”
He gave her a panicked stricken look and said, “Nothing!”
“YOU’RE MARKING MY PERIODS!”
He got totally reamed, but he says it was worth it to know when his girlfriend was hormonal. He now recommends programming your phone to warn you when you need to be careful.
Men have great difficulty distinguishing between real female rage and hormonally induced female rage. The only way to know with real certainty is to see if there is a consistent monthly pattern.
DO NOT let your woman know you’re doing this. Whether a woman has PMS or not, if she suspects you THINK she has PMS, she will hurt you badly. Women frequently joke and talk about PMS amongst themselves. You’re a man. Since you don’t get periods, you’re not allowed to talk about it.
Thirty to forty percent of guys who track their fights with their girlfriends/wives will see a monthly correlation to their fights. Knowledge is power. If you see a very consistent monthly correlation, you now have objective data that it’s about her hormones—it’s not really about her real self or you.
DO NOT tell her what you’ve found. There’s no good that can come from you telling her you have proof she is periodically crazy. You deal with this knowledge by mentally separating the fights you have when she’s not having PMS and the ones you have when she does. I know a couple of guys who have taken the previous advice and programmed their phones to remind them of the danger days. All of them claim that doing this has saved their relationships.
When she’s not having PMS and she’s angry, you take her concerns seriously and try to address them. When she’s having PMS no matter what she says and no matter how crazy it seems, your response should always be, “You’re right. I’m wrong. I’m sorry. I will change.” And then don’t change. There is absolutely no point in you changing your life or stressing out if the conflict you have your girlfriend or wife is hormonally based.
One of the most important differences between men and women is that words are much more important to them than they are to us. If your wife stopped telling you she loves you, you might get concerned (if you even notice). If you stop telling her you love her, she’ll be devastated.
A woman is more likely to stay with a man who physically abuses her and tells her he loves her than she is a man who never lays a hand on her but also never says he loves her.
If a woman tells you a white lie to appease you when you are angry, you’ll get angrier. If you tell her a white lie when she’s irrationally angry, she’ll usually calm down. You don’t have to understand why she responds differently than you. Just say the words, “You’re right. I’m wrong. I’m sorry. I will change” and see what happens.
Chapter 19: Our needs versus theirs
Men aren’t really all that complex. For most of us it takes just four things from the women we love to keep us content. We need respect, sex, attractive partners, and permission to hang out with the guys periodically. Everything else we get from our significant others such as words of appreciation and cooked meals are nice, but for the most part aren’t essential. If we get the big four, life is great. If we get three out of the four, life can still be good. Less than that, life gets tough.
Women have a different set of priorities. To be happy most of them need words of love and appreciation, physical affection (cuddling), financial security, and periodic gifts of something wonderful.
We don’t care if a woman says she respects us. We need to be shown by her actions she does. If she shows us she respects us, she doesn’t need to say it. It isn’t enough to love and appreciate a woman; you also have to say it. Actions are necessary to us. Both words and actions are necessary for women. Give her just actions without the words and you won’t be fulfilling her needs.
If we don’t get enough sex, we get grumpy. If your girlfriend or wife doesn’t get enough physical affection or words of love and appreciation, she won’t want to have sex. Men commonly mistake prolonged kissing as the best kind of foreplay. There’s nothing wrong with prolonged kissing but true foreplay happens throughout the day. It involves affectionately hugging her and telling her how much you love her without any sexual overtones. Give her the words and the physical affection she needs often and she’ll be much more likely to give you sex often. Most women have to like us to be turned on by us. The fact she loves you doesn’t mean she has to like you. Give her reasons to like you as often as you can.
Yes, it is superficial for a man to care about his wife or girlfriend’s looks. But any man who says he doesn’t care is lying. He may not leave or divorce the woman who gains tons of weight, but he sure as hell cares. It is also superficial for a woman to care about her man’s earning potential. The women who say they don’t care about how much money their husbands or boyfriends make are also lying. If men are given a choice, the majority will chose their wives losing their jobs than over their wives getting fat. The majority of women will prefer their husbands becoming obese over their husbands losing their jobs. In very different ways, men and women are equally superficial.
In the same way most men need to do guy things with other guys to be truly happy, most women need their men to give them something wonderful periodically. Expensive gifts work, but inexpensive gifts that show that you actually put something into them are just as effective. It’s a good rule of thumb to assume if a gift doesn’t in some way forces you to shed some blood, sweat or tears, it won’t be wonderful.
The best time for the periodic gifts of something wonderful is just before you want something for yourself. I call this technique the preemptive grovel. Say your wife thinks you watch too much sports and is prone to giving you a frowny-face when you go to the bar to watch a game with the guys. A couple days before the Super Bowl take her out to her favorite restaurant and then go watch an awful, incredibly painful chick flick with her. Give her a wonderful date and she’ll be more likely to let you watch the Super Bowl in peace.
A couple days after you’ve done something wonderful for your anniversary is a great time to tell her about that weekend golf or hunting trip you want to go on with the guys. Guys sometimes worry that if they do something sweet for a purely selfish reason, their wives will figure this out and get pissed.
Here’s another instance where the difference between male and female brains comes into play—if your wife did something extra nice for you to try to manipulate you, you’d probably get angry or at the very minimum annoyed—it doesn’t work the other way. Your wife will almost certainly know why you’re doing something nice for her and SHE WON’T CARE! I know this sounds impossible but it’s true.
I think it works because women are more practical then men. There’s only one sex that gets fixated on intangible things like honor—and it’s not women. Men tend to get caught up in why people do things. The more dangerous sex is much more likely to focus what actually gets done. If you do something wonderful for the woman you love, she’ll be too busy being pleased to worry about your underhanded motives.
Nagging in the relationship is typically a signal that the girl isn’t happy with you. Happy women ignore your flaws. Unhappy women are hyperaware of every little thing you do or don’t do. Men generally don’t place as high of a priority on a clean home as women do. If your girlfriend starts harping on you constantly about your lack of help with the household chores or how you’re not vacuuming right, it’s a waste of your time trying to fix the stuff she’s complaining about. Even if you eventually get everything she brings up done, you won’t be taking care of the root problem—why is she even noticing this kind of petty shit that never used to bother her before?
Don’t waste time on the symptoms of her being unhappy, focus on the root cause. Which of her most basic needs aren’t you fulfilling? Taking care of her root problem is much more likely to resolve nagging than you trying to take care of every little thing she wants you to do.
If you’re feeling grumpy and frustrated because your woman has had a headache for the past two weeks, be a man and tell her the white lies she needs to hear. Even though you don’t feel the love right now, tell her you love her. Give her a huge affectionate hug out of the blue—not as an attempt to get into bed but to show her what she means to you. Find something she does for you and thank her for it. If you do these things, her headache is much more likely to go away.
It’s easier to never step in a hole than to dig yourself out of one. If you view every Valentine’s day, wedding anniversary, Christmas, and birthday as an opportunity to make your wife so happy she’ll let you get away with something, you’ll be less likely to forget them or buy a thoughtless gift that pisses her off.
If you were a perfect man living in a perfect world, you’d want to do wonderful things for your woman without thought of any gain or return for yourself. If you’re like me and every other man I’ve ever met, you’re in no way close to being perfect. Every relationship is a two way street. If you don’t get anything out of it, eventually you’ll lose the ability to put anything into it. As long as you end up doing the right thing, doing it for the wrong reason isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
I’ve discussed spiritual and emotional laws in previous chapters. Here’s one more. Try to fulfill your lover’s needs and she’s much more likely to fulfill yours. Don’t make the mistake of assuming her needs are the same as yours.
About the Author:
Jack J. Lee is a happily married father of two who has written three prior Science Fiction/Fantasy and Horror novels—all of which have made it into their respective Amazon top 100 best selling Science Fiction/Horror/ Contemporary Fantasy lists. He and his family are Roman Catholic, and when his son was attending confirmation classes, one of the class assignments was to have his parents write him letters advising him about faith.
Although Jack J. Lee isn’t very religious, he had so much fun writing that letter that he decided it would be blast to write his son additional letters. One of these letters turned into this book.
This book is dedicated to his son. He’s also going to have his daughter read it so she knows the evil that men do.
To learn more about Jack J. Lee, visit: http://jackjlee.com/
You can buy his novels from Amazon:
Sustainable Earth Series (Aliens, vampires, and zombies attack Earth and get their behinds kicked by humans.)
Paladin Files Series (An Atheist learns Jehovah exists and wishes he didn’t.)