Chapter Twenty-One

In preparation for the bond breaking, Eddie left us to buy some “special” items that would help Carl deal with the pain. Carl fell asleep, and Peter watched the shop, so I was soon restless. A draft—or maybe a helpful spirit—opened the bedroom door, and I felt drawn to the landing. Or perhaps I just tried to convince myself it was an invitation.

I moved down the hall and jumped when Eddie’s bedroom door burst open. A breeze blew around my neck, and I could have sworn I felt a little push on my back. Hesitantly, because Eddie would probably strike me down if he caught me, I crept into his room, surprised by the small size. The spare bedroom was much bigger.

The room was sparse, some basic bedroom furniture and a desk. Above the desk hung an enormous old-fashioned painting of a woman, the only decoration. I leaned on the desk to get a closer look and jumped back in fright. The surface of the desk quivered beneath my touch. I had the strangest compulsion to open a drawer. I didn’t know why, but I couldn’t leave the room without looking.

My hands passed over all three drawers, but the one in the middle sent a tingle through my fingers. Something important was in there. I could sense it. I pulled it open to reveal an ancient book. From the outside, it didn’t appear possible for a book of that size to fit in the narrow drawer, and I guessed some sort of magic had a hand in that.

The book was living. I didn’t know why I thought that, but it wasn’t an inanimate object. I sensed too much living energy spiralling out of it. Even touching it sparked something deep inside me. I tentatively slid my fingertips over the cover. Bound in something akin to leather, the edges of the pages were dark brown.

I opened the book, half-expecting it to disintegrate at my touch, but the pages were perfect. More magic, it had to be. That suffocating feeling I so often felt in Eddie’s shop emanated from the book. I didn’t understand the words on the pages, but it felt like great power. Unwieldy power. The kind I didn’t want anyone to have. Least of all, Eddie.

I was desperate to take the book away and hide it. Hearing the bell of the shop tinkle, I realised Eddie could have returned, so with one last lingering look, I shut the drawer and ran back to the spare room.

When Eddie came into the room, I could have sworn he knew I had done something. The way he looked at me, so piercingly, I prayed I wouldn’t blush. I hadn’t planned on telling Gabe anything about Eddie, but between the intensely magical book, the trapped souls, and Eddie’s talk of sleeping gods, I was convinced I needed to keep an eye on him.

It took Eddie a while to prepare what basically turned out to be magical painkillers. I thought he was going to pull out something amazing. Carl would need more than pain relief.

We had to wait for Carl to come out of his current stupor. When he did, he got up out of the bed and glared at Eddie. I had forgotten how much Eddie’s home had disturbed Carl the first time we stayed there. I felt sure the magical book had a little to do with it. I couldn’t get the sensation of touching the book out of my head.

“I think that means he’s up for this,” Peter said wryly.

“Try it now, Ava,” Eddie said, keeping a wary eye on Carl.

I bade Carl to sit next to me, and I tried to remember what it had been like the first time. The vampire Arthur had broken the bond then, but the feeling it provoked in me was very particular, and I had a sense I needed to grab onto that. In more ways than one, I had to let Carl go.

“Carl,” I said softly. “I release you.”

Nothing happened.

“You have to mean it,” Eddie said unhelpfully.

“I’m aware of that.” I stared at Carl. “Of course I mean it.”

“He could lose his mind if you don’t do it soon.”

The pressure built inside me all over again. “I know, Eddie. Carl, I release you.”

Still nothing happened, and I began to panic. I was the one who would kill him in the end. “I don’t want you!” I grabbed his shoulders and shook him. I felt it then, like a rip deep inside me. I let go of Carl, and he fell back, but I was too busy keeling over in pain to check on him. I lay on the floor, groaning, while Peter and Eddie took care of Carl.

The pain relief worked quickly, and he soon slept again. I wasn’t as lucky.

“You okay?” Peter nudged me carefully with his foot.

“Get away from me.” I rolled over, feeling as though I wanted to rip something apart. The pain wasn’t like a normal physical one. My blood hurt. All of my blood cells burned as one. With a little screech, I dug my nails into the floor and scratched hard.

Eddie touched my skin and tutted. “Fever,” he muttered. “Be careful, Peter.”

Peter lifted me over his shoulder and threw me on the bed next to Carl. I kicked out at him, and he laughed. “Here comes the wild animal,” he teased, but my brain raged. I could literally see a red mist in front of my eyes.

“Oh, Jesus.” Peter stepped back in alarm. “You’re bleeding.”

“She’ll be fine,” Eddie said. “She’ll heal.”

“Something broke,” I hissed. “Inside me.”

Eddie smiled. “I’ll bet it feels that way. I need you to get a grip now, Ava. Carl will need all the help he can get when he wakes up. There’s still a chance he won’t be himself.”

“You better not have done something to him,” I said, practically snarling. Eddie ignored me and wiped my eyes clean.

“What now?” Peter asked.

“Now, we wait.”

***

Carl finally stirred in the early hours of the morning. I had been staring at the moonlit sky for hours, struggling to keep hold of my humanity. Whatever had happened when the bond broke scared me. I had been too close to losing control. I was angry, angrier than I had ever been, and with the anger came something else, a darkness that didn’t sit well. The darkness had been a constant in my life for far too long. I was ready to shed it for good.

A muffled sound from Carl’s throat alerted me. His heartbeat raced. It thundered in his chest as though it would drown out all other sounds. My mouth watered, and I thought I might throw up from the shame of it.

His eyes flung open and caught my gaze. They widened further, and he glanced around the room, anxiety stinking the air.

“You okay?”

He stared at me as though I were the stuff of nightmares. “Who the hell are you?”

Oh, holy shit.

I screamed for Eddie, terrifying poor Carl in the process. When both Eddie and Peter ran in, Carl huddled in the bed like a scared child.

“Hey man, you okay?” Peter asked. His face fell when Carl stared back at him blankly.

Describing who we were to Carl proved to unsettle him further, and a deadly fear gripped my heart. What if his mind was gone for good? When Carl slept, Eddie explained that the shock of the bond-breaking had traumatised Carl, forcing him to blank out everything that had happened.

“It’s a survival mechanism,” he reassured us. “As long as we keep him safe and comfortable, he’ll remember things slowly enough for him to deal with.”

“Is he going to be okay?” My voice was barely above a whimper, and Peter moved closer to me.

“Only time will tell,” Eddie said, before going back to bed.

I turned to Peter, but I couldn’t form the words. He didn’t speak, either, only wrapped his arms around me and let me lean on him completely.

***

Over the next few days, Carl’s memories returned slowly but surely. He seemed okay, but a constant sadness dulled his eyes. I kept thinking that maybe his spirit had been the thing that had really broken, that maybe I had killed everything that made him himself.

The moment he remembered me was one of the worst times. His entire body shook violently until I left the room. He wasn’t prepared to see me again until the following day.

“It’s hard to process,” he told me. “There are so many images that pop into my head when I see you. I don’t know what’s real and what’s a nightmare.”

I bit my lip. His nightmares about me were reality.

After a week, he was less shaky and nervous, but still different. I felt his anxiety all of the time. It never let up, not even when he slept. I wanted to help him… I just didn’t know how.

Peter stayed with Carl, who seemed happier around him. He was noticeably more comfortable around Peter than anyone else, and I realised how strong a friendship they had developed. I couldn’t help feeling a little left out.

One day, Carl cried in front of me.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, terrified for some reason.

“I was so stupid, Ava. What the hell am I doing with my life? I keep nearly dying, nearly losing my mind. I keep getting wrapped up in all of this shit that has nothing to do with me.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t. Don’t even say that to me. You warned me, and I didn’t listen. When I was with her… I couldn’t think of anything else. It was like an obsession, an addiction. Being around her was slowly killing me. I mean, I could feel it happen, but it felt like something I had to do. It felt like it was worth it.” He shook his head. “And then you came, and I was trapped again, in the back of my head. I kept trying to break through, but I was in darkness most of the time. I couldn’t move, couldn’t speak. I felt like I was suffocating. The darkness kept closing in on me, the space was getting smaller and smaller. I could sense that I was losing myself, that I wouldn’t ever make it out.”

He held onto my hands without even realising it, pinching my skin he gripped so hard. “Then, you set me free again, and I felt like I was on fire. I’ve never been in so much agony. It was awful. I wanted to die. Then, the darkness came again, and it swallowed me up. I couldn’t break free. I kept trying. I couldn’t give up, and slowly flashes of light came through. It was like I dug holes in the wall, and eventually, I broke through completely.”

“And now?”

He stared at me, his lips trembling. “Now, I want to go home, Ava. I just want to go home. They won’t take me back, not after everything I’ve done. Maria won’t even take my calls now. I’ve screwed it all up, and look where it got me. You know how I feel about you and Peter, but right now, I wish I’d never laid eyes on either of you.”

I would have done anything to take that hollow look out of his eyes, the bitterness from his voice. But he turned his back on me and asked me to leave, saying he needed some time alone.

I took the opportunity to go home for a change of clothes. When I returned, Peter was on the shop floor, waiting for me. My heart sank when I saw his face. He moved closer to me and hesitated.

“What’s wrong?” I tapped my wrist in agitation.

He held on to my fingers to stop me. “Carl doesn’t want to see you.” He said it in such a low voice, I hoped I had misheard him. I shook my head, not knowing what to say. I’d done everything I could for Carl, and now he didn’t want to see me again.

“I tried to help him. Even when I nagged him to death, I just wanted to protect him. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.” Even I winced at how pitiful my words sounded.

“I know. Trust me, I know. I had to watch you leave the country and deal with Becca alone when all I wanted to do was go over there and sort the problem out for you. But I had to let you go.”

I frowned. “I came back, though.”

He squeezed my fingers. “Don’t look at me like that. Please don’t look so sad.”

I attempted a smile. It didn’t quite work. I blamed it on the bond.

“He just needs a break from all of this. You’re the biggest reminder of the worst things. He’ll get over it.”

“I don’t think he will. But it’s for the best, right? At least he’ll be safe away from me.”

He didn’t answer. I tried to stretch my fingers, but he held them too firmly.

“You can let go now,” I whispered.

He did. We faced each other awkwardly. With the immediate danger over, I felt a little embarrassed by how much I depended on Peter, and we still hadn’t dealt with the blood-drinking.

“About before,” I said.

“We’ve forgotten about it, Ava. We’re not talking about it. Ever.”

The coldness in his voice disturbed me, but I knew how much it had cost him to help Carl. I knew how much it was still costing him, even though there wasn’t a scar, and I had made sure not to ruin his tattoo.

“I’ll go then,” I said, feeling at a loss.

“Keep your phone on loud. There’s a house up for rent that I think would be perfect for you. It needs a little work, but I could help you.”

I narrowed my eyes. “What are the neighbours like?”

He laughed loudly, sounding a little relieved. “You’ll have to wait and see.”

I left the shop, feeling a mixture of emotions. Becca was gone, and the succubus had been dealt with, but I still had a lot of things to do. I had a lot of things to make up for.