Chapter 13

So, Killian wasn’t completely off. Ghouls can be darn tricky to spot. That is, they are until the life force they’ve been chowing on starts to run out, in which case they get a little gooey around the edges as things break down.

Killian and I were on our fourth memorial service of the day, chosen at random from the obituary notices and I was starting to feel a little discouraged. We hung towards the back of the funeral procession. I knew the ghoul would have enough instinct to stick around until the living types disappeared. Ghouls aren’t particularly smart, but every scavenger figures out you’ve gotta wait for the lions to finish if you want to survive to your next meal.

Killian was looking rather dashing in his black turtleneck and jacket. Set off those baby blues of his. Just a quick trip through Austin’s closet and we had ourselves a funeral appropriate genuine Armani knock off. At least I hoped it was a knock off, because I didn’t know if dry cleaners would charge extra for ghoul stains. I had picked a tasteful basic black suit from Mindy’s things. A dress would have been more appropriate, but it’s hard taking down the undead when you’re concerned about flashing your girl bits.

I touched Killian’s sleeve and jerked my head away from the burial site. We walked to the far corner of the graveyard, leaving the widow to say her goodbyes and let the coffin be lowered into what, if I could help it, would be the guy’s final resting place.

The drizzle was starting to come down and black umbrellas popped up everywhere. Of course it would have to be raining. Killian and I stood behind a tree. He seemed strangely quiet.

“It is a shame humans do not live for long.”

“Long enough,” I replied. Except for perhaps one. Dad could have stuck around for a bit longer and I wouldn’t have minded at all.

We watched as the mourners paid their last respects and left arm in arm. The backhoe started covering up the stiff, but then the operator got a phone call. He turned off his machine and hopped off, walking away only halfway through the job.

“This is it.”

Dusk had started to fall. Crap. Why couldn’t these little beasties choose warm days on Tahitian beaches instead of muddy drizzle in an ever increasingly dark cemetery? Battling things out with the forces of darkness was always trickier when it was dark. Home court advantage and all.

“It’s him.”

Killian looked at me like I was nuts.

“It is the pastor.”

The guy had a limp and was oozing grey tar out of his black pant leg. Unless he had come down with a rare case of flesh eating Ebola, he had an ectoplasm problem.

“I can’t believe he’s coming out while the undertaker is on a call.”

I opened up my purse and pulled out the garlic necklaces. I looped one of them over Killian’s like he was touching down in Hawaii.

“I thought you said they went after easy targets.”

I shrugged, “Sometimes, they can’t wait. If they haven’t eaten in awhile, they’ll take whatever is on the buffet table.”

Killian’s shoulders shook with the heebie-jeebies, “Ick.”

I couldn’t help but grinning. The elf was loosening up a bit.

I pulled out my magical stunning rod. I was going to try and bring back this ghoul in one piece. Bodies with holes in them tended to leak in my trunk and I couldn’t afford to get my car detailed again this month.

“Follow my lead,” I said as I bent over in a crouch and ran to the first headstone. I wanted to make sure the ghoul didn’t have a chance to run. Killian was right behind me on his whisper silent feet. If I ever got a boon on him, I was ordering me some of those magical elfin shoes. Maybe I’d just see if he’d give me a pair for my birthday. I looked over at him. I hoped I lasted until my next birthday.

I ran to the next gravestone and ducked behind a creepy concrete angel. I heard the pastor drop into the open grave with a squishy sound. He was decaying fast. I nodded my head to Killian to come around the other side and I rushed the hole in the ground.

There he was, the ghoul, ripping at the coffin lid like a kid trying to break into a cereal box for the prize at the bottom.

“Now what, pray tell, are you doing?”

He looked up at me and hissed. I had to fish around the grave a bit with my rod, but I got him. I huffed on my nails and buffed ‘em on my shirt, “Just like that.”

And then the coffin burst open and the dead man jumped out.

Oh, he was dead all right.

But he was hungry. He grabbed that ghoul and sunk his fangs into that guy’s neck so fast.

Instinctively, I reached up to my neck and felt the reassuring protection of my neckguard.

“Come on, Maggie. Do not allow him to finish feeding…”

I hated that my hands were shaking as I grabbed my silver stake from my boot top. I hurtled it right at the guy’s back and it pierced it like a knitting needle in bubble wrap. He was too young a vamp to even know what killed him… you know… for the second time.

“Just like…” I suddenly became aware of a hissing sound, “…that.”

I turned, edging my way to stand back to back with Killian. Vamps were dropping out of the goddamned trees. I counted eight in total. And my stake was conveniently stuck in the back of the least threatening of all of them.

“Jesus.”

“Your god will not help you now,” one of the undead spat at me.

“I was talking figuratively, asshole,” I snapped. If it wasn’t enough I was probably going to be dead in about five minutes time, it super sucked that I was about to be deaded by a bunch of dunces.

“What is the plan?” asked Killian.

“Marry rich and live on a yacht…” I muttered under my breath.

“Get us out of this, Maggie.”

I scanned the group. They were trying to circle around us for the attack.

“Back up slowly towards the church. Okay, back up not so slowly and more quick like to the church,” I whispered out of the side of my mouth.

“We can hear you, human,” hissed the vampire.

I gave him a sarcastic little smile, “Do you think I don’t know that?”

I actually didn’t know that, but it was nice of him to tell me.

“Killian, here’s the bad news. They want us dead. My big sharpie thing is down in the grave.”

“I will retrieve it.”

And then he jumped in the hole to tug it out of the vampire. That’s when the whole crew of suckers rushed me.

“KILLIAN! I NEED SOME HELP!”

I was able to sweep them back with my rod. I cursed myself for not buying one with anything stronger than a stunning spell. This was like one of those kung fu movies, except I wasn’t Bruce Lee and I was going to be hard pressed to open up a can of whoopass. If you don’t have anything pointy, vampires just keep coming. Sure, I could knock one down and break a couple arms, but they’d just hop right back up, healed and whole. If you could get over the whole soulless aspect of it all, it wasn’t a bad deal being a vampire.

And I could just tell they were biding their time, wearing me out so that when they finally came in for the kill, I’d be too tired to even fight.

“KILLIAN!”

“You nailed your stake through the vamp AND the ghoul and now it is stuck in the coffin,” he called up to me.

“Well, get it out!”

The vamp that rushed me looked familiar.

“WAIT! You were the widow?”

She gave me a wicked little smile.

“This was a trap? WHAT?” I sent her flying just out of spite. “How the hell were you able to come out during the daylight?”

Another funeral observer laughed a spine tingling vampire laugh at me, “Wouldn’t you like to know, you spawn of Ulrich’s enemy.”

“How the hell do you know my uncle’s name?” I said, starting to panic.

“He decided that you deserved a little welcome home present. He has always felt family is so important.”

I knew better to look a vamp dead in the eye, so I just looked at him dead in the bridge of the nose, “Are you telling me my uncle consorts with vampires?”

That asshole laughed again, “Consorts? Oh my dear child, you really do have no idea what is going on.”

And then that bastard came in thinking he was ready for the kill. I broke my stunning staff in two and caught the guy midflight like a Turkish shish kabob.

One stake down. And I used the other to impale a kid who looked no older than fourteen.

“Sorry, undead kid. Just think of all the acne and awkward first dates I’ve spared you.”

I tried to yank out the stake before the next one flew at me, but I was still pulling when she landed. She looked like an evil corporate ex-cheerleader. Perfect blonde hair coiffed just right. All hairs fell right back into place every time she moved her head.

“I shall make this quick and painless for you. How shameful you would wear garlic,” she whispered.

And then the silver shaft of my stake appeared right through her heart.

Killian kicked her away, grabbed me by the wrist and we sprinted to the car, five vampires in fast pursuit.

I clicked the fob as we ran and my Honda gave a friendly little chirp as the headlights flashed on.

We both leapt into the driver’s door. I threw myself into the passenger’s side and pressed the “autolock” as Killian revved the engine and pealed out, leaving the vampires in a cloud of dust.

“There was so much wrong that just happened there,” I said.

The fear in Killian’s eyes showed me I wasn’t alone in realizing we were so fucked.