Chapter 21

Is This Life?

 

“Mmm,” she groaned. It seemed as though every cell in her body was waking up. The sensation was oddly like the prickly feeling one gets when a sleeping appendage arouses, except not as painful or itchy. And there was a weight on her chest. She lifted one hand and lost her fingers in a tangle of hair. “Ethan?”

“How are you feeling?” His voice cracked with emotion.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, feeling like she was waking up from having strange, disturbing dreams she couldn’t remember.

“It’s nothing.” She felt his hands on her ribs tighten as if he was reacting to ... to what he was hearing? “It’s just ... can’t you feel it?” he added with his ear still pressed against her over her….

Ethan tensed again, his breath caught, and then he said nothing more, but she felt him give one more squeeze before he released his hold and then moved up her body to rub his cheek against hers. He ran his right hand up her arm to then bury his fingers into her hair just before ravishing her lips and face with a volley of heavy kisses. This is what he did when he was trying to wake her and she couldn’t stop the smile that tugged up the corners of her mouth.

“Morning,” he said, then paused, “or rather, good evening.”

“Mmm,” she moaned again and lifted her eyelids to study him through her lashes.

He smiled, but only halfheartedly.

Danielle frowned because she’d only just realized what it was that he was listening to. The sound of her heart—stopping. She’d been turned, but the reasons why remained out of reach.

She widened her gaze and took in the setting. They were in their bedroom—right, she knew that. And she was tucked under the sheets, naked … still naked, she recalled. He was on top of the covers, on top of her, dressed to go … hunting?

As Ethan shifted and then tugged her upright, he said, “Let’s get you dressed. We’re going out.”

Danielle clutched the sheets up under her chin. “Not that kind of out?” She hoped, nervously, that her imagination was getting away from her. She didn’t want to feed. She didn’t feel any different so she couldn’t really be cursed, could she?

“Aren’t you thirsty?”

Frowning, Danielle considered that. Her hand landed on her stomach. “I’m not hungry.”

With an exhale, Ethan grumbled, “Of course you’re not hungry, only thirst, if you recall?”

So she had been turned. Her frown deepened as her palm settled over her heart. There was no beat thumping back. “I’m really—” She pressed harder, still, nothing.

“You really are.”

“Can’t I starve myself and get bitten to go back?”

The muscles in Ethan’s jaw flexed and then he shoved a hand into his hair and stood from the bed, paced a circled around the room and then settled back down next to her on the mattress. “I—I don’t want you to go back, just yet.”

Panic swelled up in her throat. Why not? Did she look better? Did he prefer her this way? Danielle shoved the blankets aside and ran to the big mirror in the bathroom where she skidded to a halt and stared, gaping at herself.

She didn’t look different at all.

Lifting her hand she examined the place where that scar had been. The one that she’d always had, that she didn’t remember how she’d gained. But it was gone. So that was different.

“I—I ... do I look different to you?” she asked as Ethan entered the bathroom and stood behind her, then enveloped her with the fabric of her robe and his arms.

“Oh,” he said, apparently understanding. “You thought…. No, you look the same to me. But you can defend yourself now. And it would be better for you to stay this way—since—”

Danielle gasped. That’s what she’d forgotten. Her vision blurred with tears and her abruptly trembling fingers pushed into the robe and found the flesh just below her bellybutton, the now flat part of her that hadn’t been before. Tears coursed down her cheeks. “No.”

His arms cinched more firmly around her, and his brows knitted together. “When this blows over, we’ll go back and try again.”

After shoving her fists into the arms of the bathrobe, she turned her wet face into his chest and locked her arms around his waist. Sobbing.

Such deep loss…. The death of an innocent new life, a tender fragile being that she’d only just begun to feel tickle around inside her. This was horrible. Why did he have to stab her there? She might have survived a stabbing; hadn’t she heard of that happening before? And what if the next time they were expecting a child they were simply attacked again? And the second baby was also murdered? “What if this never blows over?” she asked against his now tear-stained shirt.

“I’ll make sure it does.” His tone rang with that fierce determination that she’d admired before. His hands rubbed her back.

They stood like that for several moments, crying together, mourning together.

Then Ethan pulled away, curled his fingers under her chin and tipped her face toward his. “I’m so very sorry, but I must take you hunting. It isn’t something that can wait.”

She shook her head. “I don’t want ... I can’t see myself—” biting and killing. “Can’t we purchase blood from a bank? I mean you’re a doc—”

He shook his head sharply. “I’m sorry, no. It must be fresh. Otherwise it lacks what is necessary to sustain you. It is how the sorceress intended, and it’s one aspect to her curse that she did not mistake. It’s not so much about the blood itself but the life-force within it. That is lost in bagged and chilled blood.” As he spoke, he towed her to the closet and began selecting “hunting” clothes for her too. Ethan stuffed jeans, a black thermal t-shirt and a pair of boots into her hands. “Please get dressed.” While his choices of words were gentle the tone conveyed a promise that if she didn’t do it, he’d just do it for her. And she knew better than to argue when he spoke like that. This was another “This is what’s best for you” scenario in which Ethan could not be swayed.

Silently she dressed and then raked her hair back into a ponytail. “All right, I’m ready,” she lied.

With one firm hug, Ethan showed his approval and then took her by the hand. “I think there is some of this you’ll enjoy.”

Danielle was having a hard time believing that.

“Is Nadia sleeping?” she asked as they moved through the tomb-quite house.

“Max took her to their home.”

“Why?”

The look he tossed toward her answered that question. Oh, right, she thought, because Nadia was now the only mortal, and…. “Could I harm her?”

“I don’t think you would—”

“But, it’s safer for her this way.”

“Correct.”

 

* * * * *

Ethan led her into the woods, but his vigilant searching of their surroundings spooked her. What was he still worried about? And then she saw movement in the shadows. “What was that?”

“You saw that?”

“Well, it was just over—”

“Danielle, you just noticed Richard and some of the other guards checking the perimeter, far enough away that if you were mortal, you would not have seen it.”

Only then did she realize that she was much more aware of everything going on around them. She must have been distracted by the loss of their baby to really notice. But with that thought, another burst of sadness slammed into her. She drew a breath and attempted to force it to the back of her mind.

Danielle opened her eyes, ruthlessly shoved the tear from her cheek and let the new sights and sounds wash over her in a wave of awareness. The melee of insects not only touched the night, but dominated it, and she was forced to fight back a shudder. Apparently her fear of creepy crawlies remained. Danielle’s gaze dropped to the forest floor where she saw only dead leaves, moss and a worm. Instinctively she took a step closer to Ethan, and then noticed a large black beetle, striped with iridescent blue and green. She took another step, then became aware of how loud Ethan’s breathing was and looked at him. Only to see that he was drawing breath calmly and quietly, it just wasn’t silent to her any longer.

She lifted her eyes from his chest to his face. He was watching her. “You’re not much of a nature girl, are you?”

“You knew that.”

“Of course I did. And I know this is going to be difficult for you to do, but you must. First, however, I will demonstrate how easy it is when you use your now hypnotic gaze.”

“On an animal?”

“The deer are there.” He pointed to the north. “Can you sense them?”

She nodded.

“Very good,” he praised. “Let’s go have dinner.”

She drew in a shaky breath, and her gaze shot upward when she caught the scents and sounds of creatures scurrying through and along the tree branches. Birds, more insects, and squirrels seemed distressed by their presence.

Ethan ignored her distraction. “Follow me.”

She tugged her attention from the numerous critters causing a racket and locked it on her husband as he moved silently through the undergrowth. But flinched when she snapped a twig and the sound it made echoed like a gunshot through the softer sounds of the nightlife.

“Mind your feet, darling. We don’t want to frighten away our meal.”

Swallowing, Danielle remembered how he’d said that dinner served up on a plate was much more preferable to scrounging up your own in the dark woods. While she imagined how disgusting this was going to be, she focused on the placement of her feet and was able to trail behind Ethan just as silently as he was advancing.

It wasn’t long before they encountered one of the deer. Slowly the brown female lifted her head from the grass she was munching on and turned toward Ethan. He tipped his head so that its gaze met with his. Instantly the doe was entranced, just as Danielle had been when meeting his magical stare. Ethan exhaled into its face and then dropped to one knee in front of the creature before it collapsed, his hand went out to its neck to support it, and he stroked its fur in a gentle manner with the other.

Was he soothing it, before he took its life?

This wasn’t as violent as she’d thought it would be, but almost touching, just as it was when he’d bitten her.

“Select the largest vein, you’ll be able to feel it,” he whispered to her as he lowered his head to the deer’s throat. “I’m sorry,” he said to the animal, before he sank his fangs through the fur to the flesh beneath.

The deer made no sounds of distress, and no struggle as its big brown eyes slid shut. Forever.

After several moments of silence, Ethan stood, turned to face her and brushed the fur from his mouth. Besides the bracken on his knee, he was very clean.

Ethan returned to her side, and she realized with an attack of terror that it was her turn next. “How—how do you get past the hair?”

“That was nauseating at first, but you get used to it, and it’s important to focus on the energy that flows into you. That will help.”

“I don’t think I’m ready for this,” she hedged.

Slipping his hand around hers he said, “Come. I’ll awaken the curse in you. It will make you want it.”

Danielle resisted as Ethan pulled her toward the dead creature.

He dropped to his knee again and drew a small blade from his boot.

“What are you doing?” she asked, horrified at the thought of seeing gore.

“You need only the scent. Trust me, and close your eyes.”

“I—I—”

“Do it,” he commanded.

Her eyes pinched shut and she felt her other hand tighten into a fist at her side. She listened as he sliced open the fur and flesh to expose the still warm, wet and fragrant insides. Yes, it did smell appetizing. How disturbing!

The craving was an evil feeling, he was right about that. And Danielle gasped when something shifted inside her mouth and she realized her fangs had sprung from their sockets as they stabbed at the inside of her bottom lip.

“Find the other one, darling, then go to it.”

Without direction from her, her head twisted toward the left, but she was mentally unwilling to move. Ethan forced her to and she wanted to cry when she knew she stood in front of the second deer without opening her eyes.

“I’ve stilled it for you, but you must look at it, Danielle and give it your breath.”

He was behind her now, his chin resting on her shoulder, his hands on her hips keeping her from running the other direction. This man of hers knew her way too well.

Opening her eyes, she peered into the deer’s hypnotized orbs as they shifted from Ethan’s to hers and she knew it would not fight as she killed it. This helpless, innocent, creature would easily give her its life. So she could live.

No, she couldn’t do it, and looked away. Probably because she wouldn’t, Ethan bent around her and she listened as he exhaled into the animal’s face for her. Ethan’s hands pressed on her hips to make her follow as the deer’s knees gave under its weight. He caught its neck and held it for her. He’d remained at her back as she knelt between his knees. “Touch it, feel the pulse.”

She stretched four fingers to its throat, not only could she feel it, she could hear it pounding in her eardrums. Looking into its eye again, Danielle lowered her mouth to the neck. This close, however, she could now see fear within its glassy gaze. It knew it was going to die. So that’s why he’d apologized and she couldn’t prevent herself from doing the same. Then she brought her lips lower and parted them, but when the course coat prickled at her flesh she jerked backward, slamming into Ethan’s chest.

“I can’t! I can’t do that! The fur! I just can’t get past that!” She stood and ran.

Hearing Ethan moving along behind her as he took pursuit, Danielle kept going. She wasn’t willing to stop, even knowing she would never be able to escape him. Getting away from Ethan wasn’t her goal. In truth, she didn’t know what she was trying to get away from.

He let her go for several minutes as she flew past trees, and boulders and creatures of the night as fast as he had run with her in the fog. She should have been unnerved by it, but she wasn’t. She knew she was doing things she couldn’t do before, but she didn’t feel different, she still felt mortal. So to expect her to think differently, to act differently ... it just wasn’t going to happen.

What she was more distressed about was the fact that the guards were obviously still there, still attempting to protect her. She could hear them crashing through the underbrush just as Ethan was. Apparently stealth was not a concern for them at the moment. What did she need to be protected from? she wondered, but then she remembered the pixies. Could they still kidnap her while she was cursed? She stopped. The abrupt action sent leaves and dirt and other debris dancing into the air. As it settled in front of her, she examined the life around her again searching for anything magical besides the vampires and herself.

Danielle realized she was able to identify the other men besides Ethan. Richard was to the left. Merrick was also left but ahead of her location, and Cedric was to the right, pacing like a caged panther. The French guard, whose name she really needed to know, was behind Ethan, and then besides those, seven others littered the forest.

“Do I need to worry about pixies?” she asked.

Ethan surrounded her with his arms and kissed her temple. “We haven’t seen any—yet.”

“Do I need to worry about them?” she repeated because his answer wasn’t satisfactory.

“Probably.”

Another unsatisfactory answer. The silence lengthened, until she broke it. “Ethan, I’m sorry. Are you disappointed in me? I’m turning out to be a horrible excuse for a vampire.” Here she’d been cursed for merely hours and she was still frightened of insects, terrified of touching fur with her teeth, getting it on her lips, gagging on it. She shuddered at the thought. What was she going to do? “Please, let me starve. I want to go back.”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

Instead of answering, he turned in Richard’s direction. “Stand-down. I’ll call if we need you.”

Danielle listened as the guards retreated.

“Come this way.” Ethan led her to the base of a cliff and directed her to start climbing. She’d never been rock climbing before but figured with this curse she probably could and reached to slip her fingers into a hold, then hesitated as she imagined what could be lurking inside that crack. “Danielle, you can sense the insects. Use that, and you will be able to avoid them.”

This must be so frustrating for him. While she was most definitely stronger, she was still fearful. “Why do you even love me?”

“Because you’re mine, and I knew what I was getting into. In fact, that girly side of you is part of why I fell for you, and it is one of my favorite traits about you. Forget that we knew each other before, I adore who you are now, and I suspect you were like this even then. Now let’s get up there and enjoy the night sky.”

She lifted her face upward and realized he was expecting her to make a fifty-foot climb ascending a sheer rock face. Without another complaint, she clutched at his faith in her and began climbing. Once they reached the top, Ethan settled onto the grass growing there, and directed her to lower her head into his lap. “See how much brighter the stars are?”

How could she not notice that? The sky glimmered like a velvet blanket that had been adorned with millions of bright diamonds. Only a handful of thin clouds muted some of it. A breeze tickled across her flesh and she picked up the scent of flowers, and pine, and rotting leaves and moss and bark as Ethan’s fragrance also surrounded her. The musky, citrus scent of him was intensified and even more appetizing and tempting. She tried really hard to ignore the bats and the owls and the mice sharing this setting.

Ethan’s fingers began to travel her flesh and she smiled up at him. “I’m sorry if I rushed you. I know you were frightened…” he said.

“About having a baby?”

“Yes. We might have been able to avoid this whole scenario if we’d waited.”

“Do you really think they would have left me alone if I hadn’t been pregnant?”

“No, certainly not. We would have turned you when Beon suggested it, when things got worse, more dangerous.”

Her insides twisted when he said that. She was one of them now, and wasn’t enjoying it. She would have taken the fears of pregnancy over being cursed any day. “I’d rather face doctors and hospitals.”

“You hate them.”

“But I was willing to do it to have the baby.” Her voice caught on a little sob. “I desperately wanted that child … I still do.” The last three words came out on a whisper, punctuated with a tear and a fit of uncontrolled sobs.

Ethan wrapped himself around her and rocked her gently. “I’m sorry. I’m equally heartbroken by this. My first child. Our first child, lost so tragically, so violently.” She could hear his voice tremble with the emotion of this loss. “I so wished for a son or daughter. It wouldn’t have mattered to me which one. Our child was loved and wanted, yet now taken from us.”

Quietly they cried again and held each other until dawn began to lighten the horizon to the east. They probably had another thirty minutes before the spell was broken for the day.

“Let me go back. Please, Ethan.”

“I can’t. I couldn’t bear this loss again. We must wait until this war has ended.”

“It could go on for years.”

“I’ll make certain that it doesn’t”

“How can you do that?”

“I’ll go to Benjamin. I believe I can convince him to help our cause.”

That idea still terrified her. “But we don’t know which side he would take. He could be against us.”

“That’s a risk we must take.”

“Too much of a risk!”

Ethan ignored that. He shifted, forcing her to sit upright. “Let’s go.”

“To feed?” she asked with naked fear.

“No. I’ll bring you takeout or nurse you myself.”

“What does that mean?”

“You’ll find out soon enough.” He tugged her to her feet.

“But—you weren’t happy about doing takeout for Nadia and Sophia because you had to kill more. I remember. And how was that fresh enough?”

He didn’t answer, and then she realized that maybe she didn’t really want to know.

“I hate this,” she muttered softly.

“Shh, everything will be all right. And I understand your reluctance. But we need to keep you alive until we can turn you back.” He moved to the edge of the cliff, towing her behind. “We’re jumping down.”

“What?” she shrieked, peering over the edge.

“We could have jumped up, but I didn’t want to overwhelm you.” He stepped closer, she tugged backward. “Now behave, and trust me.” He gripped her waist. “Or, I’ll toss you.”

“You wouldn’t.”

“No, of course not, silly. You can close your eyes if you like, but I don’t think you should.” Then he lifted her feet from the ground and sprang over the edge. She screamed and he slapped a hand over her mouth.

They landed without so much as a jolt. “I hope you didn’t call the undead with that.”

The guards stepped from the greenish-gray shadows. “All appears to be clear. But I suggest you get home swiftly,” the prince said.

Ethan snatched up Danielle’s hand and took off with her through the trees.

As they entered through the recently repaired back door, she asked, “How can you get takeout when the sun is coming up?”

“We need to get you fed before that happens. I don’t have time to go out again.”

She was dragged to their bedroom and shoved back onto the bed where Ethan straddled her and offered his neck.

“Do you mean for me to bite you?”

“Precisely, now get on with it.”

She moaned. “I’d rather go hungry.”

“Thirsty,” he corrected and dropped closer so she could see the stagnant blood-filled vein just below the surface.

“Right, I’ll pass.” Though she didn’t want to admit it, it was becoming tempting to do as he asked. Fragrant, tasty, inviting….

“I can’t allow that, you’ll become dangerous. Damn it, Danielle, do it! Now!” And he gripped her shoulders, giving her a little shake.

That tone, added to the lure of his blood, was motivation enough and she did what he asked. She settled her fangs over his flesh and pressed down. The moment they broke the surface the blood flowed into her as if her canines could suck it up on their own. And there was again that sense of pleasure, except it came as she took from him instead of him taking from her and she realized that he was experiencing the same desirable feelings. She couldn’t stop herself from clutching at his shirt and drawing from him greedily.

This was the only way to do it, forget animals and their fuzzy coverings. Oh, yes, Ethan was right. It wasn’t so much about flavor but this delicious consumption of energy, of a life-force. Moaning, she ran her hands along his arms and just lavished in the way he gave vitality to her, the way he poured it into her. But then he pried her off and collapsed next to her on the bed.

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

“I should have fed more before I let you do that,” he said weakly.

She looked at him then. “You’re pale! Why didn’t you tell me? I’m sorry. Go, Ethan, go feed! Or take some back from me!”

“I can’t, the sun is up. Do you not feel your heart?”

Her tongue darted forward to find that her fangs were gone, and then she lifted her palm to her chest. There it was, her heart thumping away, though weaker than it had been.

“Are you going to be all right?”

“I’ll be fine.”

She curled up next to his side with her head propped on his shoulder. “Thank you for taking care of me.”

“I’m here for you, Danielle, no matter what.”

With one glance down their bodies, she noticed that they’d messed up the bed linens with their forest debris-covered clothing. “We’ve made a mess.”

After sitting up and moving from the bed, Ethan swayed when he tried to stand.

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

With a nod, Ethan said, “Let’s get changed and bathed.” He moved to go toward the bathroom and then bent over with his hands on his knees.

Her hands shot to his shoulders as she tried to steady him. “Tell me what I can do to help.” She felt sick with guilt. He did this to himself for her.

Ethan dropped backwards onto the mattress and bounced as he lifted one booted foot. “Mind taking them off?”

Dropping to her knees, Danielle worked on the laces and then tugged at the leather. It slid off, and his sock came with it. She removed the other one as well. Then stood and lifted the hem of his t-shirt and pulled that over his head. Danielle didn’t like how ashen he was looking; even his lips were nearly colorless.

She turned on the water and then began undressing herself as soon as she’d helped Ethan out of his grubby hunting attire, then assisted him to the bath. She didn’t think he could stand any longer, and while she thought she could support him now that she was also cursed, she didn’t want to risk dropping him. Together they slid into the bathwater with her chin against his back and her arms snug around his waist.

“Now what are we going to do?” she asked as she slid the washcloth over his chalky skin.

He rocked his head back onto her shoulder. “Today, I think would be a fine day to spend in bed,” he mumbled weakly.

“And then what?” She wondered if he could hear the guilt tainting her tone.

“Then tonight, I’ll make sure we’re both well-fed and then the next day, we’ll go back to London.”

“But my parents—?”

“Oh, yes. They’re expected for dinner tomorrow.”

“We can’t miss that.”

“I agree.”

“Will they notice?”

“No, but we’ll need them to come earlier so we can get them out of the house before the sun sets. Then we’ll go to London.”

She knew, he meant they’d go back to London so he could plan a visit to Benjamin.

And, apparently he knew what she was thinking without needing to read her features. “This has to end, Danielle. We can’t let it go on. Do you really think they’ll stop hunting you now that you’re one of them?”

Well, she was hoping….

He went on, “It won’t stop them, and even if they can’t kill you as easily now, they’ll just wait until you go back to being mortal. Then where will we be?”

“In the same spot we’re in now.”

A distressing thought occurred to her. “Could we have prevented this had we not gone shopping?”

Ethan exhaled and shook his head. “I doubt it. They probably would have just advanced on the house, and with Dorin working with them, I’m surprised they waited as long as they did.”