Chapter Nineteen

ALONE, IN MY Chrysler, in the dark parking lot, I felt the knife in my stomach, the desperate craving for a drink. Shame and hurt ripped my heart. My need to inflict pain and destroy, always trying for maximum damage. I had come here to strengthen whatever was between us, to help her stay sober, to convince her to live with me. What a fool I was!…But, my brain screamed, fuck her. Fuck that bitch. For her, I’d lied to my boss and risked my job. Fuck her. She was poison, and I was a fool. I hated her.

For an hour I rode up and down the coast highway, my mind racing. I was desperate for a drink, anything to calm the screaming. Eventually, at a 7-11, I bought two tall containers of hot coffee, half sugar, and guzzled them in the parking lot. It helped me slow down. Then, after a few cigarettes and driving some more, I convinced myself to go back.

At the motel, the instant I clicked the motor off, I felt panic. I was sure she was gone. What an asshole I was. I had shit on my only chance to make our relationship work.

I hurried down the walkway to Room 109.

The door was ajar, so I pushed it open.

She was there, alone, sprawled on the bed, naked. Seeing me come in she turned to looked up. A drunken, evil panther, frightening and beautiful. The new Barbie I’d bought was next to her on the pillow.

The place was a junk heap of half-eaten pizza crust, cigarette butts, and empty plastic tequila glasses. A two-foot-wide brown stain festooned the center of the carpet and there was an odd chemical smell in the air.

I sat at the foot of the bed. ‘Are you okay?’ I whispered.

She wouldn’t look at me. Grabbing a plastic lighter she made a clumsy attempt at striking it. Over and over, refusing to engage me.

After a dozen more tries, when the thing still wouldn’t work, she glared. ‘Whaz your problem now, man?’

‘You’re pregnant. Has that occurred to you?’

The crazy, possessed laugh…‘Soooo?’

‘Can we talk about this?’

Taunting me, tipping forward, she snatched the book of matches from my shirt pocket. I handed her my cigarettes too.

Leering, she shook her head. ‘I’ve got a surprise for you, big shot. Want me to cho you my surprise?’

‘Sure. Okay.’

She struck a match. ‘Watch!’

It was only then that I saw the can of lighter fluid behind her tipped over next to the pillow.

The bed was an explosion of flame. Jimmi was on her feet, jumping up and down, squirting the flammable shit everywhere. Laughing and screaming simultaneously. ‘Fuck you, Bruno! Fuck you! Watch! Here it is, jou cunt! Here’s what jou get, motherfucker! Fuck you to death!’

It took me a couple of minutes to smother the fire with the pillows and the bedspread and to hold her arms so she couldn’t hit me and strike more matches.