CHAPTER 15

HAVING A FAMILIAR RING

001001011001110

My first efforts to move were excruciating. So I lay still, breathing shallow breaths. An attempt at rolling to my side ended abruptly with a sharp pain stabbed into my back, informing me that my left wing was broken. I struggled to sit up, but dizziness overtook me. I fell back down against the hard sticky ground. --I guess I would have to wait a bit on the whole moving thing.

The room was dark as soot, but smelled of something far worse. With each breath my stomach wretched from the noxious odor assaulting my senses. To my left, was a dripping sound. At first I had to strain to hear it, but the longer I lay there, the louder it got. Each drip echoing through the chamber in a maddening rhythm, playing upon the strings of my emotions with a sinister hand.

The chill passed through my armor and into the very depths of my bones-- but I was too tired to shiver. The encounter with Kric’ tu had pushed my body far beyond the point of exhaustion. Whatever he'd used on me caused my body to tighten so violently, every muscle had ruptured. And it wouldn’t be long before the shock wore off and the process of healing began. This I dreaded, for I knew it would be extremely painful.

Pain stabbed at me again as I made another attempt to roll over, but with much satisfaction, I made it onto my stomach. The cold sticky ground offered no comfort. The pain from the wing was almost unbearable, so I reached into my mind in an attempt to remove the pain, but nothing happened. I tried again, this time making a suggestion to my subconscious, like I had done with the injured soldiers, but again I failed.

It made no sense, the technique had worked wonders for the soldiers. Why not for me? My mind struggled to understand, but there was too much interference from the searing pain.

A rush of air escaped my lungs as I tried to move to a kneeling position. It was no use, the broken wing was a dead weight against my back. I would have to remove it if I hoped to get anywhere. With this in mind, I pushed my energy out into the threads of the wing, but nothing happened. I tried again and again with the same result. The threads did not respond. My powers, were gone.

It took a moment for the reality of my situation to fully sink in, but when it did, it hit hard. And something inside me snapped. I began thrashing about, clanking and scraping and screaming at the top of my lungs. All of my anger lashed out at the universe for my stupidity! How could I have been so arrogant? I thought I was untrappable! I thought I was invincible! But I was wrong! And now my fate was sealed, like the door to my tomb.

Eventually my aggression dissipated, and I lay still on the chilled ground, my chest heaving with each labored breath. What was I thinking? This whole thing stunk of a trap. I knew it, and yet I’d continued on! Was it the power of the web effecting me? Was it my belief in the righteousness of the cause? I thought no one could stop me, not even Rath or his demon associate. Yet when the time came, I was powerless to stop them. My God! The young girl! Her face! The innocence!

I pounded my steel fist against the concrete floor. Armadon should have come. He would not have failed, but had he not failed already? Lies! Kric’ tu had to be lying! They wanted to destroy my hope, that was all. Armadon had made it to Gaza. It had to be so!

Rath's words echoed in my mind. “First you must experience the nightmare.” The meaning of that statement was becoming clear to me now. Desolation. Loneliness. Pain. All had a way of driving a person mad, and I was no exception.

But-- if they were telling the truth, nothing was left to prevent Gaza from destroying Vrin. And if he did follow through with his plans, then there wouldn’t be time for me to experience the nightmare intended for me. Or would the nightmare continue on after this world was destroyed? Was there pain in the destruction itself? My heart pounded in my ears. Could the destruction be the nightmare? Or was the statement just another lie to dig at my insecurities?

Assuming everything I knew was fact, where did it leave me? The goal of chaos was clear. They did not want this world here, at least not in its current form, so they were using Gaza like a puppet. He had the power to destroy Vrin, and would, if he couldn’t make a connection with his lost family. But chaos had eliminated them. So how long would it be until Gaza made good on his promise? If Armadon had been stopped, then someone else had to make it to Gaza!

I pushed aside my self pity, and drew upon my anger and stubbornness. I would not sit around waiting for oblivion. No cage was complete. There had to be a way out.

It hadn’t occurred to me before, but I had grown dependent on my newly acquired powers. I was addicted. The more I’d used them, the more I had needed to use them, and now that they were gone, I was experiencing withdrawals. My thoughts were erratic, and my heart was heavy with depression. A sense of futility was taking hold, but I had to fight it. I was stronger than this. There was no time for self doubt. After all, I was Sam’ Dejal, the god of reason! If there was a way out, I would find it!

In searing pain, I made my way to my hands and knees, drawing upon my mortal strengths for the first time since my arrival. Then, with an equal amount of effort, I ventured to stand. The broken wing hung from my back, making it exceedingly difficult to gain my balance. I would not be able to stand for long, but needed to move around as much as possible to keep my muscles from tightening up.

I shuffled back and forth, back and forth, each step a tremendous effort. I paced for hours it seemed. And as time dragged on, my muscles ached more and more.

Finally, I had to sit. I found a small block of cement near a wall, and used it as a chair. The pain from my wing no longer bothered me-- the aching in my limbs far exceeded it. I leaned back, and let my body go limp.

Hours melted into each other, and pain was my only companion. I no longer had any perception of body. I was just pain, floating in darkness. Even the nasty stench had melted away into my experience. Humans have a way of coping with stress, and I had reached my threshold many times over.

As hours, and then days passed, I searched every nook, every angle of my pen, but I couldn’t even find the door. I must have circled the room a thousand times, but all the walls felt the same. With meticulous precision, I trolled back and forth across the room, looking for items on the floor, but found nothing. Still I could not be certain I had covered every spot, the darkness was too complete. I hoped my eyes would eventually get used to the darkness, but there wasn’t a drop of light to work with.

As the madness began to grow, my motivation dwindled. After a while, even time was meaningless. Then I waited, as the pain disappeared completely. I was sad to see it go, it was all I had to remind me I was still alive. Now I was nothing more than a ghost, as large as the universe, or as small as an atom. I wondered how long this could go on. There was no hunger, no need for sleep. I simply existed. And that was all.

In my free-floating mind, I thought of all the possibilities of this place called Vrin. I thought of Humphrey’s concepts and of Dr. Solomon’s experiment. I thought of the wizard, Arganis, and his ancestral roots of magic. There was the world of Vrin surrounded by a spirit world called Dantra, and The Circle of Ghosts connecting the two. Then there was the infamous Kric’ tu, commanding the threadless beasts of the vortex. What did it all mean? Or did it have meaning? Were there supernatural forces at work in this world? Or was it all a computer glitch?

And what about the frozen figure in the capital? What was his name? It eluded me, but I could see his face in my mind. I realized now, that looking at him was like looking into my own memory, as if I had once sat at the same table, reading the same book, by the same fire. That was why seeing him had effected me so profoundly. But this new found realization brought no relief. It only deepened the mystery.

Thoughts of Kitaya floated to the surface. In this whole experience, she had made the most positive impression. She was so lovely, so full of life. I cared for her with a longing that made my chest constrict. We could never be together now. Somewhere in the darkness, my fist tightened. She was unreachable, even if I could find my way out of this cell.

A faint sobbing broke into my perception. And once it started, it did not cease. Sobs echoed off every recess of my tomb. What I perceived as my face was replaced by a cold lake of sadness.

Before my empty vision, my days in Vrin played out in vivid detail. It hadn’t occurred to me before, because I wouldn’t admit it, even to myself, but I truly wanted to be a god. Although I had shown constraint with Thana, I could not fight the desire to use the power. Something deep inside me wished for it.

I was given many opportunities to see this world for what it was, yet I had remained willfully ignorant. Each inconsistency in the program, and each talk with the outside, made my foolishness complete. I knew I was no god, yet I chose a lie over the truth! I was here, because of my own arrogance, my own pride.

I had reached the end of myself.

“God?” My voice was dry and weak. “I don’t remember the last time I talked to you-- or if I've ever talked to you-- so I’m not very good at this.” I choked out the words. “I- just want to say, if you can hear me, I need your help. I’m sorry. Please forgive me.”

Somewhere in the emptiness, I felt a squeeze. I waited. There it was again! I tried to localize the sensation, then it came to me. Scratch! I had forgotten all about my little friend.

“Hello, Thomas,” came a voice from the other side of the room. Kric’ tu had called me that, but this was not Kric’ tu's voice. “Do not be frightened. I’ve come to bring you home.”

Home? My chest quivered with emotion. Was this another trick? The voice was not familiar, but the inflection in it was. I had heard the gentle tones before.

“You are experiencing disorientation. That is understandable, but it is over now.”

I squinted into the darkness. “Who...?” I whispered.

“I have many names, but for now, you may call me Scratch.” He chuckled.

I felt for the ring. It was still on my finger.

“That is merely the host God made for me.”

“God made for you?” I whispered.

“Yes, you don’t remember, because this world keeps the memories from you, but when you were brought to Vrin for the first time, he knew I could not exist in your new body, so he created a ring for me. At times I tried to contact you, but your hatred drove me away. Hatred is contrary to my nature.”

I remembered the canyon, and the figure in the woods. “Was that you in the canyon, and the forest?”

“Yes. I exited the ring to speak with you, but returned because it hurt me to be exposed to your hatred. You hate Gaza very much.”

“Why do you stay at all?”

“You are a complex being, and I am a part of who you are. I can't leave you, Thomas. I am you.”

“I don't understand.”

“The complexity of God's creation is beyond your current awareness.”

My weakened mind groped for the answers. “You have come-- to take me home?” I said weakly.

“Yes.”

“Why did you wait so long?”

“I did not wait, God waited.”

“What?” I could barely get the word out.

“It wasn’t him. It was you. You finally called out to him. He wanted to help, but he waited until you realized your need for him. It had to be your choice. Our choice.” The room began to fill with light, and I saw him for the first time, a million tiny marbles, and in each glass orb, a brilliant light. “It is time to go.”

“But I have more questions.”

“I know you do, but the angels of God are holding off the forces of evil. We must go now.”

I felt dizzy, then in an instant, found myself peering through his eyes. We had fused together, and I was now complete. Looking down down at the broken body on the floor, I and was disgusted at the wretch I had become.

My essence began to rise up, through the dungeons, through the castle, out into the air above. Below, I could see the battle still raging. They had lied to me, which meant there was a chance that Armadon had made it to Gaza. I wanted to go there and see, but was unable to fight against the force acting upon me. There was a superior purpose in its design, and there was no arguing with it.

I continued to rise higher and higher, until the people below were nothing more than specks on the open battlefield. As I moved closer to the clouds, I realized, for the first time, they were not clouds at all, but a projection moving across a large sphere. I flinched as I passed through.

Outside the sphere, love and light surrounded me like water. Its current flowed through me, filling me with peace. It was a familiar feeling; I had been here before.

I travelled up a blue strand at a blistering pace, and Vrin grew smaller and smaller in the vast cavern of shifting light. Upon its surface, currents of electricity arced, like blue liquid fire boiling.

To my left, a movement caught my eye. It was at first beautiful, then horrific. Brilliant bursts of light, which should have blinded me, exploded not far from where I ascended. Colors beyond description shot forth in all directions. The beings of light were at war, but why? They collided with awesome force, creating an unimaginable shock wave. Were these the angels of God?

I looked up. High above was a gray, bumpy, stone ceiling. As I got closer, tiny pinholes became visible. The pinholes became pores, then the pores became tunnels. Billions of them, stretching off to either side as far as the eye could see.

I rushed into one of them at a dizzying pace, straight into the heart of the porous rock. Everything became a blur, and the walls slowly melted away into space and thought, until there was nothing left of form.

It was here-- that my memories returned.