I just got back from the group where I had to introduce myself and talk. It was horrible. I knew it was going to be, but I didn’t really know it would be as bad as it was. Right as group started I felt sick to my stomach, it was worse then any of the stomach swings I’ve had so far. Some of the inmates who look like they been here longer don’t seem to react to the virus swings as much of those of us who seem to be new, but I don’t know how anyone can deal with this and remain calm on the outside. When Dr. Cruizie looked at me and said my name to get me to stand up, my gut started whirring around like a kitchen mixer set on whip. My vision got all blurry and I wrapped my arms around my middle. I mumbled something about not feeling well, I asked Dr. Cruizie if I could go another day. The rest of the conversation went something like this:

Dr. Cruizie. No. We can’t alter the rotation. Stand up and tell the group why you’re here.

Me. I think I’m gonna throw up. Can I go see Nurse    Gunderson?

Dr. Cruizie. It’s just a normal swing. Take a deep breath and get started. You should know the standard format by now.

I took a deep breath and stood up from my plastic chair as best I could. The room spun dangerously, but I stayed upright.

Me. Okay.

Me. Okay.

Me. I’m Sacha. I’m here because I couldn’t pay my student loans from college. My lender gave me six months to start payments after my grace period, but I couldn’t find a job.

Dr. Cruizie. Say hello to Sacha, everyone.

Everyone. Hello, Sacha.

Me. Hello.

I tried to sit down, but Dr. Cruizie motioned for me to keep standing.

Me. Um.

Me. What else am I supposed to say? I don’t feel very good.

Dr. Cruizie. Tell the group why you couldn’t pay your         loans.

Me. Oh.

Me. I couldn’t find a job. My major was in Philosophy and there wasn’t anyone looking for a Philosophy major. I couldn’t find anything. After awhile my grace period was running our and I even tried to get a job at Starbucks. But they told me that I didn’t have the customer service skills they were looking for. They told me an ideal candidate had dual degrees in business communication and beverage technology.

Me. Can I sit down now?

Dr. Cruizie. Sacha, you’ll need to pay more attention to the proper format or we’re going to have a problem in here. What’s the proper presentation order, everyone?

No on said anything so Dr. Cruizie pointed at a thin black woman who was fiddling with her med bracelet. I don’t know how the woman knew Dr. Cruizie was pointing at her without looking up, but she started talking. I could hear the capitalization in her rattled-off list.

Woman. Name, Crime, Crime Resolution Difficulties, Overcoming Strategies, Personal Encouragement.

Dr. Cruizie. Thank you, Tereza. Thank Tereza for reminding us, everyone.

Everyone. Thank you, Tereza.

Dr. Cruizie. Good.

He sent a pointed look at me.

Me. Um.

Dr. Cruizie sighed and asked the class if they could help me find some Overcoming Strategies for my Crime. Again, no one spoke, so he started calling on people. I felt horrible.

Man with short black hair. Sacha could register with a Debt Management Agency that would help her find a way to work with her lender to find a Debt Repayment Strategy.

Dr. Cruizie. A DMA could help her find a DRS. Yes. Good. What else?

Cute Redhead. Sacha could get a position at a Temp Staffing Agency or a Government Work Program.

Dr. Cruizie. Yes. Yes. All good ideas. What else?

It went on and on like that, Dr. Cruizie going around the room and calling on people until everyone had repeated all the things they told us in class everyday. Finally, after everyone had spoken, he looked back at me. I could feel my face getting hot.

Dr. Cruizie. Remember these things, Sacha, they’re all good           ideas. You’ll need to tell us your Overcoming           Strategies next time it’s your turn to speak in group.

Me. Okay.

I went to sit down, but he again stopped me with a gesture. My legs were wobbling pretty bad. I was having trouble standing up. My stomach was churning up something awful. My mouth began to salivate with that certain feeling I remembered from when I was twelve and got a bad case of the stomach flu.

Dr. Cruizie. Sacha, aren’t you forgetting something?

Me. Um.

Dr. Cruizie. Your Personal Encouragement.

Me. Um.

Dr. Cruizie. Tell us something you like about yourself. Overcoming Strategies aren’t enough. You need to believe that you’re a good person. So tell us something you like about yourself.

He broke into a big smile. I threw up.

After that two of the other group members cleaned up my sick and while Dr. Cruizie finally let me sit down. He told me that next time it was my turn to speak I should do a better job keeping to the proper presentation order. I nodded weakly, but couldn’t look at him. I felt terrible, but part of me was happy I’d messed up his proper little system.

Group continued as we were forced to talk about how to solve my crime when my sentence was up, but I felt a little better. We all looked at spreadsheets Dr. Cruizie passed out of my banking records, loan balances, and skillsets to help me solve my problems on the outside. I was just glad it would be another two weeks before I’d be put in the spotlight to stand and speak again in group.

After group another inmate finally talked to me. Tereza came up in the hallway outside our group room and told me that almost everyone threw up the first time they had to speak. She said I shouldn’t let Dr. Cruizie get to me. After the first time it got easier.

Me. Does the virus ever get easier? Will I get used to it?

Tereza. Not really. Your body gets used to it, so they keep upping the dose every week. I guess it gets easier to put up with it, but you don’t ever get used to it.

We walked to lunch together, but she eats in another room so I couldn’t eat with her. I wanted to talk to her more, ask her questions, but I still didn’t feel that good. I hope she’s right, though, about it getting easier to put up with being sick. I hate it. I don’t know how I’ll be able to make it two years feeling like this. I’m miserable and I miss Jack.

Anyway, I’m going to take a break now and just lie in the sun. I might try to take a nap before skills training this afternoon. Between talking for the first time in group and then writing it all down I’m tired. I’m always tired now. Being in here is just a different kind of tired than it was on the outside.