27
I am sitting with Dimitri by the dying light of the campfire, my mind still thick and heavy with sleep.
Gareth and Brigid are trying to repair the tents, but I am not yet in possession of enough of the facts to feel bad about what has happened.
Dimitri takes my hand. “You were standing outside the tent with your eyes open and the wind…” He does not continue, and when I look into his eyes they are haunted by images I cannot see.
“The wind?” I prompt softly.
He shakes his head, remembering. “It was… swirling around you, blowing and shredding the tents, destroying everything in its path.”
“But I was asleep.” I hear the insistence in my voice.
“Yes. But it seems to have been something more than sleep.”
I am beginning to see where his words are leading, and I stand, turning away from him to face the fire. “It wasn’t. I was sleeping. Dreaming.”
His voice is tender but firm behind me. “I don’t think you were, Lia.”
“If it’s as you say… If I was outside the tent… How did I get there?” I demand. “You were on guard. You said that you wouldn’t leave.”
His answer is simple. “I didn’t. You walked right past me. I was surprised at first, and after a moment I called out, thinking perhaps you needed to see to something personal. But you didn’t answer. You simply kept walking until you stood in the center of camp, and then you raised your arms and the wind began to howl.”
For a moment, I think I see it all in a residue of memory, a nearly forgotten dream. And then the glimpse is gone.
I think back to the previous incidents, trying to remember the sequence of events, and my mind lights on a morsel of hope. I feel a rush of relief in the certainty that I am absolved. “But the other times, you and Gareth were on guard and did not see me leave my tent. And the night our food was disturbed, you were actually in my tent, waking me from a dream, when Gareth called out.”
Dimitri lowers his head, his shoulders sagging in an uncharacteristic show of defeat. “You were dreaming, Lia. I think that’s the part we must focus on. You told me that your nightmares have become worse, that sometimes you’re not even certain you are dreaming.”
I swallow the lump of foreboding that rises in my throat. “Yes, but whether or not I was dreaming, we can both agree that I was not in the middle of the camp destroying our supplies, at least not prior to last night.”
He sighs. “But if you were on the Plane, isn’t it possible the Souls were able to use you? To channel your exhaustion and bitterness into a spiritual rampage of sorts?”
I am still not prepared to face the reality required to answer his question. “You said…” My voice catches as my body begins to tremble with unwanted knowledge. “You said the Souls could not force me to the Plane against my will.”
I wish I could freeze the pause that follows, for I know I will not like what Dimitri is going to say next.
“They can’t.”
I turn to face him, lifting my chin defiantly. “Well, they must have. I don’t wish to travel the Plane.” I laugh aloud at the notion, but it sounds brittle and false. “I avoid it at all costs, as you well know.”
He does not rise, but looks up at me from the log on which he sits. “I know that you mean to avoid it, Lia. But I told you before that the Souls are more powerful than you can imagine. That they would find a way to use you without your consent.”
I look past him to the tents, leaning and torn, in the middle of our campsite. “I don’t have the knowledge to conjure such power.”
“Yes,” he says, “you do. You’re a Spellcaster, like Alice, and though you’ve not fully honed the forbidden authority that is yours, you must have known it was lying in wait. All it needed was a good push from a formidable master. Given the proper motivation, you could easily have done it all—the water, the food, the tents.”
“You’re saying it was me.” I turn away again. “All this time.”
I do not hear him rise, but a moment later his hands are warm on my shoulders as he comes to stand behind me. “Not you. Not really. Not you any more than it was Sonia on the way to Altus.”
The mention of Sonia, instead of soothing my growing alarm, only serves to anger me. “You compare me to Sonia? You compare this… this… unauthorized use of my power to her betrayal?”
He makes a noise of frustration. “Why are you being so difficult? Whatever has happened, it will not be changed by your denial, Lia. You must face what is happening if you’re to have any hope of fighting it.” He throws up his hands and walks away before turning back around. “You want me to stand here and tell you that you didn’t sabotage our camp. That it was not your Spellcaster power that ransacked our packs, tried to destroy our food, our shelter. Well, I’m not going to lie to you. And you can unleash your fury and indignation all you want, but it will do you no good. You will not drive me away. I’m still here, Lia. And I always will be, just as I promised.”
He stalks off, but he does not get far before my resolve crumbles. Tossing the blanket to the ground, I race toward him, pulling on his arm until he stops and turns to face me.
There are so many things I want to say, but they are too large for words and I am too weak to voice them aloud after all that has happened. Instead, I speak of the one thing I must confirm, for everything else Dimitri has said now makes sense.
“You said I would need the ‘proper motivation’ to be so used by the Souls.” I raise my palms to the sky. “What motivation could I possibly have?”
He shrugs, his answer simple. “Exhaustion? Resignation? It’s no secret, Lia. We all see it in your eyes, and none of us blames you. Anyone would be tired of fighting after all you’ve been through. All you’ve lost and been forced to endure.”
I look into his eyes, wanting him to believe my next words. “But I haven’t stopped fighting! I haven’t! Don’t you see me, day after day, riding toward London and the possible end of my life?” I hear the desperation in my voice and hate myself for it.
He pulls me to him. “No one doubts that you’re fighting as hard as you can. But in your sleeping hours, during the times when you can, at last, let everything go, isn’t it possible there is some small part of you that seeks release? That welcomes an end to the fighting, however it may come?”
His words ring of a truth I have not dared consider.
“I don’t know.” My voice shakes, and I work to calm it before pulling back to look him in the eye. “But what more can I do to protect myself, and everyone else, from the workings of the Souls? I cannot stay awake every moment. Not for long. We have at least four more days until we reach London, and that is if we ride very hard and very fast. Once there, we’ll have to put everything in order for the trip to Avebury. What am I to do during all that time?”
He reaches for my hand. “You’ll entrust yourself to me.”
I begin to protest, but he does not allow me to finish.
“Everyone must trust someone, sometime, Lia. Even you.” I am surprised to feel tears sting my eyes as he continues. “Trust in me. I’ll stay with you while you sleep and wake you if anything seems untoward.” He sighs. “It isn’t foolproof. I cannot protect you on the Plane if I’m not there. But I can wait and watch for anything in this world and wake you if it seems I must.”
I do not tell him it is a paltry plan. Instead, I swallow my fear of trusting him. Of trusting anyone. I swallow it and step into the protection of his arms.
Because he’s right. It’s all we have.
We travel through the woods and over the fields of England the next day, and the next, and the next. I lose track of the fields and trees and farms. They blur together as my physical strength, sapped by sleepless, dream-filled nights, weakens.
My apology to Brigid is met with a warm embrace. Her graciousness is my secret shame, for I was not as quick to forgive Sonia, and I suddenly wish I could go back to the moment on Altus when Luisa, Sonia, and I stood on the cliff overlooking the sea. I wish I could go back and do it all again. If I could, I would like to think I would embrace Sonia the way Brigid did me.
Gareth spends each night guarding the camp while Dimitri watches over me as I sleep. I feel bad for forcing the arrangement, but Gareth’s smile is as bright as ever, though he can steal only moments of sleep when we break during the day. He and Dimitri treat me just the same, though with more tenderness than before. I search their eyes for hints of the anger and resentment that I think must be there. It was my actions, after all, that cause us to sleep in tents that leak in the rain. My actions that force us to brush dirt from our bread.
Yet there is nothing but affection and worry in their eyes. Their generosity only highlights my own weakness, and I spend much of the little time I’m coherent loathing myself and contemplating my many failings.
As the days wear on, a comforting sense of apathy wraps its arms around me. For the first time since discovering the mark inscribed upon my wrist, there are hours and sometimes days when I cannot find the energy to worry about the prophecy and my place in it. Times when I think I would be just as happy to see it end with Samael ruling our world in darkness as I would to see him banished from it forever.
Now it does not always seem to matter how it ends. So long as it ends.
I believe I manage to hide my growing sense of complacency behind casual conversation and forced smiles, but I cannot be certain. I no longer trust my perception of anything at all. It is entirely possible that Brigid, Dimitri, and Gareth are already aware of my frightening lack of commitment to ending the prophecy. Yet even this leaves me unconcerned. I am resigned to my fate, whatever it may be.
By the eighth night of our travel, I have become accustomed to staying up well after Brigid goes to bed and Gareth has taken up his post at the other side of camp. I will not be able to delay sleep forever. But every hour spent by the warmth of the campfire, a blanket wrapped around my shoulders, is one less I’ll spend with the Souls haunting my slumber. I stare into the flames, my mind terrifyingly blank.
“Here. Have some of this.” Dimitri approaches from the periphery of my vision, handing me a steaming cup of tea. He lowers himself to the ground beside me. “It will help you sleep.”
I take the cup but do not drink from it. “I don’t want to sleep.”
Dimitri sighs. It is a heavy, tired sigh, and I feel a moment’s regret for causing him worry. “Lia, you must. There is still much to do, and you must be strong for what’s ahead.”
I glance at him sharply. “I am strong.”
He reaches over, taking my hand in his. When he speaks, his voice is soft and full of sadness. “I’m only trying to care for you at a time when it is difficult for you to care for yourself.”
A lump of sadness suddenly blocks my throat, and I squeeze Dimitri’s hand. “I’m sorry. It’s just…”
I feel his gaze on my face even as I stare into the fire. “What is it?”
I turn to look at him, wanting to lose myself in the depths of his inky eyes. “I’m afraid to sleep. My dreams are… well, they’re frightening, Dimitri.”
“So, tell me. Tell me about your dreams so I can share your burden.”
I hesitate, wondering how much to tell him in the moment before I decide to tell him everything.
“They chase me.” It is a whisper, and I wonder if I have even spoken aloud.
I stare down at my cup as if the murky liquid within will make it easier to speak of the demons that hunt me in my dreams. “The Souls. The Hounds. Samael. Everyone.”
Dimitri’s fingers wrap around my own and remove my hand from the cup. Taking it from me, he sets it on the ground at my feet and pulls me into his arms, tucking my head under his chin.
“Are they dreams? Or are the Souls pulling you into the Plane as you sleep?”
I burrow closer to his chest, finding comfort in the scent of him. It is wood and fire smoke and chill spring air. “I don’t believe I’m traveling. But they seem to be more than simple dreams as well.”
“What do you mean?” His voice is a rumble from his chest under my ear.
“It’s difficult to explain. I don’t feel as if I am on the Plane, and yet each time I dream of the Souls, they’re closer. And somehow I’m certain they’ll continue to get closer with each passing day, and that if ever they’re allowed to catch me, dream or not, I’ll never wake again. I’ll be stranded in the Void forever.”
There is a moment when he says nothing, and I wonder if I’ve gone mad after all. If he is contemplating my madness and his response to it. But then he breathes deeply and begins to speak, his voice gentle.
“They cannot take you to the Void unless they capture your Soul on the Plane, and you have already said you don’t believe you’re traveling.”
“Yes.”
“Then… what? If you don’t believe you’re traveling, why do you fear capture and banishment to the Void?”
I hear the dread in his voice. It makes me hesitant to tell him, for what if he no longer trusts me? What if he doubts my commitment to closing the Gate? I think of James, of my unwillingness to share myself with him fully and the consequences of keeping my secrets. Am I willing to lose Dimitri to the same fate? To the wedge that will be driven between us if I cannot be wholly myself in his presence?
I pull away to look at him. “Sometimes I feel as if they’re inside my head. As if everything is not as it seems and they’re manipulating me to their own cause. As if all the things I believe to be true are only a figment of my imagination, so that I’m never quite sure if my reality is accurate. It makes me think of my father and his fall into the Plane. I understand now why he would be vulnerable to the Souls masked as my mother.” I force myself to continue. If I am to be true to Dimitri, to our love, I must say it all. “I may not be traveling while I sleep, but the truth of it is, I don’t trust myself enough to be sure.”
He pulls me closer, his arms wrapping me tightly. I feel in this moment that nothing could separate us, in this world or any other.
“It doesn’t matter.” He kisses the top of my head. “I trust you, Lia.”
And I know from his fevered embrace that the words he speaks are true.