Chapter 27—T hree Curses

Prior stared. “But I abolished you!” he said somewhat dully. “Listen, shit for brains,” the ugly First Branch said. “After the way you hoodwinked us on Mount Icecream, we resolved not to be caught that way again.”

“Yet despite your unprepossessing appearance,” the shapely Second Branch said, “we found you to be a satisfying sexual partner, so we decided to salvage you.”

“So we made a plan,” the grotesque Third Branch said, his stubby tele scoping penis jiggling. “We resolved that should we discover ourselves to be on the verge of defeat, we would invoke an escape mechanism.”

“Thus avoiding destruction,” the voluptuous Fourth Branch said, shift ing rapidly through several animal forms. “Thus we deceived you by decamping rather than dissolving.”

The monstrous ever-rigid phallus of the Fifth Branch, the full grown eeg, twitched. It spurted a thin line of taffy as it wiggled. The taffy landed on the ground and spelled out a message in script: In short, we cheated. “But that’s not fair!” Prior protested. “Yeah?” the first Branch asked belligerently. “So what are you going to

do about it, loser?” “I’ll put you away again,” Prior retorted with obviously false bravado. “All of us at once?” the Third Branch inquired with a warty nosed sneer. “Yet it need not be an arduous confinement,” the Fourth Branch said with a truly lovely smile. “My sister and I will use you for frequent sex, and our brothers will have similar use for your girlfriend. All you have to do is agree.”

“I hope you don’t agree,” the First Branch said. “Then we’ll have a pretext to rape both of you until your holes turn inside out.”

Prior looked at Tantamount. “This is awkward,” she said. “But faced with their reneging, I must say that it is not hard to get along with them, if you don’t fight them. They are fair minded, for demons, and if you give them what they want, they are tolerant and even generous in other respects.” “But all they want is sex and the Spire!” She nodded. “What is your point?” “I can’t abide letting them win by cheating. It just isn’t right.” “Your sentiment becomes you. But unless you have a way to enforce

your victories, we must be practical.” Prior sought better advice. “Spire, what can we do?” “I doubt the Spire can help you now,” the Second Branch said. “It is our purpose to keep and protect the Spire. It is our reason for being.” She smiled and stroked her luscious outline. “Really, Prior, we are offering you a reasonable alternative. We’ll even allow you to have some sex with your girlfriend when we aren’t using the two of you.”

“Voyeurism can be fun,” the Fourth Branch agreed, making her volup tuous flesh quiver.

Meanwhile the Spire made a small gout in Prior’s mouth. YOU CAN’T OVERPOWER THE CHEATING EEGS. THE ONLY CHANCE IS THE MAGIC FART. A magic fart? We’ve been using them all along.

THE

THE MAGIC FART. THAT WILL SUMMON EGG. BUT THAT’S DANGEROUS. I don’t care what it is or who it calls. If it solves this problem, I’m for it. Loose the

Magic Fart! YOUR FOOLISH WISH IS MY COMMAND. AIM ME AT THE SKY. Prior tilted his head back and opened his mouth so that the tip of the

Spire had access to the sky. “Look out!” the Third Branch cried. “He’s really going for the Magic

Fart!” All five demons pounced on Prior. But the Spire was already loosing the Fart. It powered out of his mouth like the hiss of a jet engine, making a lurid burning column in the sky, expanding as it went.

The demons landed on Prior and bore him to the ground. The First Branch had one arm, the Third Branch the other arm, and the Fifth Branch his legs. The sultry Second Branch’s tight cleft was in his face, and he felt the cool plush bottom of the dusky Fourth Branch on his crotch. They had overpowered him. But the Fart had been loosed, and was on its way to summon EGG.

“Piss, poop, and damnation!” the First Branch swore. “The thing is out. It will accelerate to E=MC cubed.”

“It will scorch Earth’s atmosphere and warm the globe five degrees,” the Second Branch said, her petite vulva quivering with horror. Indeed, the ambient temperature already seemed warmer. “And that’s before it gets its second wind.”

“It will blow the corona off the sun as it passes,” the Third Branch said. “Before it gets its third wind.” “And finally lodge in the very center of the galaxy,” the Fourth Branch said, taking Prior’s stiffening penis into her eager vagina. “Which it will solidly plug.”

“Which should get the attention of the Eldest God of the Galaxy,” Tantamount said. “Now if you demons will kindly let my man up, maybe we can make ourselves presentable for his arrival.”

The demons hastily let Prior go, though not before the Spire had tickled Second’s vagina with a thin jet of laughing gas, making her giggle, and Fourth had evoked a driblet of pleasure from Prior’s captive penis.

“Now you were giving us the choice between cooperation or rape,” Tan tamount said to the demons. “What will you offer us to intercede for you when EGG comes?”

The demons were obviously shaken, fearing the wrath of EGG. “Abso lute servile loyalty and service,” First said.

“Sex, whenever and however either or both of you want it,” Second said.

“And information,” the Third Branch said. “Beginning with this: you are in danger too, but there is a way out for all of us.” “Ask for the Punishment of the Three Curses,” Fourth said.
Fifth squirted script. And apply your curses to others, not yourself. Tantamount turned to Prior. “Does that make sense?” “Does it?” Prior asked the Spire. YES, IF USED INTELLIGENTLY. Then all became perhaps moot, as an incredible effulgence formed around them. This coalesced into a giant scintillating man, flanked by a woman so luscious it was difficult to gaze directly at her. The five demons fell to the ground, groveling. This was evidently EGG, the Eldest God of the Galaxy. “Welcome, O EGG,” First quavered. “And Favored Concubine of the Moment,” Second breathed. “Cut the crap. Who abused the Spire?” EGG demanded, assuming a less effulgent aspect. “I did,” Prior said, as boldly as he could manage. “I demand the Punish

ment of the Three Curses.”
EGG considered. “That could be interesting. Very well, name

your curses.”

PHRASE YOUR DESIRES NEGATIVELY, the Spire warned.

“Shut up, dildo,” EGG snapped. “You have proved to be more trouble than you’re worth. I’ll abolish you after destroying this human miscreant and the errant eegs.”

That gave Prior the hint. “My first curse is on the Spire itself, for obey ing an unworthy mortal human man. Abolition is too good for it. Instead it should be forced to serve the lowliest of creatures, a mortal human woman. That will truly make it wish it had never been made. Send it to Oubliette Emdee, to answer to her every ridiculous whim.”

EGG nodded. “I like that. Done.” And the Spire was abruptly gone from Prior’s throat.

“My second curse is on these five expressly endowed golems, who failed to properly guard the Spire,” Prior continued. “Destruction is too good for them, also. They should be reduced to at least as lowly service as the Spire. Bind them to another mortal woman, to perform exactly as she orders, no matter how degrading. To this woman here, Tantamount Emdee.”
EGG nodded again. “It is fitting. Done.”

The five demons crawled to Tantamount’s vicinity. “We are duly appalled,”

Third whispered. The Favored Concubine frowned, not entirely fooled. Prior took a breath. So far so good—but could he save himself? He had

to gamble. “My third curse is on you, EGG.” EGG inflated, and small lightning jags radiated from his eyeballs.

“What What?” “Because it was your inattention that allowed the eegs and Spire to go astray,” Prior continued doggedly. “You must do penance by renouncing any further vengeance against any of these parties, returning Earth to normal temperature, restoring the sun’s corona, and unplugging the galactic black hole before it blows the galaxy apart. In addition you must spend a few hours away from your Favored Concubine.” Here the Concubine frowned dangerously. “You must treat a mortal woman as you would the Concubine, though she be not a hundredth as beautiful.” The Concubine’s frown faded. “And grant that mortal wretch a nice legacy: fulfilling her most foolish wish.” “Ludicrous!” EGG exclaimed.

But the Concubine touched his arm. “It is fitting,” she murmured dul

cetly. Before EGG could protest further, Prior continued: “The woman is

Smellie, a whore of the village of Nude-on-Toilet.” EGG nodded. “Done.” He vanished. That left just the Favored Concubine. “You’re rather clever,” she murmured to Prior. “And you’re cute. One day I may come to you for a tryst.” Then she too vanished.

That was it. “Well done, Prior,” Tantamount said. “There are indeed worthwhile qualities in you I did not properly appreciate before.” She turned to the demons. “Prepare the castle as it was, for our use this night, and stand by for further directions.”

“We hear and obey, O honored mistress,” the First Branch said, bowing. He had clearly figured out the new pecking order. The castle appeared, as it had first been, with five stories. “Come, dear,”

Tantamount said to Prior. “We have a night to celebrate.” “Just us, I hope.” “Just us for now. In the future, you may divert yourself with the demonesses and the succubus too if you wish, and even the concubine if she shows up, while I am with the demons. So we don’t get bored with each other. Fair enough?”

An open marriage, with her as the centerpiece. What more could he ask? “Fair enough.” “But it may take us some time to get bored,” she said, kissing him. It was more than a night in the castle, blissful beyond belief, but in due course they got on the magic carpet and flew to Nude-on-Toilet. “Look at that!” Prior exclaimed as they passed the village statue. “Now it looks just like Smellie!”

Smellie’s house was fancier than it had been. She came out to welcome them, now a lovely woman, as the demons made themselves scarce. “Micro! Veil! You’ll never believe what happened.” “We saw the statue,” Prior said. “Yes, I had this strange wonderful visitor, and we spent a remarkable night together. I swear, pleasure radiated out from his divine member! Then in the morning he departed, and I discovered the statue. They had made me the new Mistress of the Village. My utterly foolish dream came true after all! Can you imagine that?” “Actually, we can,” Tantamount said. “You are a deserving person.” Smellie eyed Prior. “Ordinarily I would insist on being your host tonight; it’s one of my duties. But with a woman that beautiful beside you, you won’t be interested.”

“No problem,” Tantamount said as she nursed Chance. “We’ll both be with him tonight, for the sake of variety.”

And as Prior found himself delightfully in bed with two beautiful and attentive women, an odd thought occurred. He recollected the Magic Fart. “I hope EGG remembered to unplug the galactic black hole.”

“It could get complicated, if he forgot,” Tantamount agreed. “There could be a cosmic stink.” Then she and Smellie set about making Prior forget about everything but the two of them.