Chapter 3

Learn To Please The Only Person Who Really Matters

«I’m a chameleon,» revealed Todd, a 30-year-old single Nice Guy. «I will become whatever I believe a person wants me to be in order to be liked. With my smart friends I act intelligent and use a big vocabulary. Around my mother, I look like the perfect loving son. With my dad, I talk sports. With the guys at work I cuss and swear… whatever it takes to look cool. Underneath it all, I’m not sure who I really am or if any of them would like me just for who I am. If I can’t figure out what people want me to be, I’m afraid I will be all alone. The funny thing is, I feel alone most of the time anyway.»

Just about everything a Nice Guy does is consciously or unconsciously calculated to gain someone’s approval or to avoid disapproval. Nice Guys seek this external validation in just about every relationship and social situation, even from strangers and people they don’t like. Todd is an example of a man, who, because of internalized toxic shame, believes he has to become what he thinks other people want him to be. Nice Guys believe this chameleon-like metamorphism is essential if they hope to be loved, get their needs met, and have a problem-free life.

The seeking of external validation is just one way in which Nice Guys frequently do the opposite of what works. By trying to please everyone, Nice Guys often end up pleasing no one —including themselves.

Seeking Approval

Because Nice Guys do not believe they are OK just as they are, they find a multitude of ways to convince themselves and others that they are lovable and desirable. They may focus on something about themselves (physical appearance, talent, intellect), something they do (act nice, dance well, work hard), or even something external to themselves (attractive wife, cute child, nice car) in order to get value and win other’s approval.

My word for these value-seeking mechanisms is attachments. Nice Guys attach their identity and worth to these things and use them to convince themselves and others that they are valuable. Without these attachments, Nice Guys don’t know what else about themselves would make anyone like or love them.

Being a Nice Guy is the ultimate attachment for these men. They genuinely believe their commitment to being «good» and doing it «right» is what makes them valuable and compensates for their internalized belief that they are bad.

Because of their toxic shame, it is impossible for Nice Guys to grasp that people might like them and love them just for who they are. They believe they are bad (the «I’m So Good» Nice Guy is unconscious of this core belief, but it is a core belief nonetheless), therefore they assume that if anyone really got to know them, these people would discover the same thing. Being able to attach themselves to things that make them feel valuable and garner approval from others seems essential if they hope to be loved, get their needs met, and have a problem-free life.

Breaking Free Activity #4

I’ve taken surveys in several No More Mr. Nice Guy! groups asking the members about the attachments they use to try to get external approval. The following are just a few of the responses.

Look over the list. Note any of the ways in which you seek approval. Add to the list any behaviors that are uniquely you. Write down examples of each. Ask others for feedback about the ways in which they see you seeking approval.

• Having one’s hair just right.
• Being smart.
• Having a pleasant, non-threatening voice.
• Looking unselfish.
• Being different from other men.
• Staying sober.
• Being in good shape.
• Being a great dancer.
• Being a good lover.
• Never getting angry.
• Making other people happy.
• Being a good worker.
• Having a clean car.
• Dressing well.
• Being nice.
• Respecting women.
• Never offending anyone.
• Looking like a good father.

How Nice Guys Use Attachments

Cal is a typical Nice Guy in the way he uses attachments to seek approval. Cal tries to get external validation by always being in a good mood, driving a nice car, dressing well, having a cute daughter, and having an attractive wife. Let’s pick one of these attachments to illustrate how Cal tries to get approval from others.

Cal likes to dress his fourteen-month-old daughter in a cute dress and take her to the park. From the moment he begins to dress her he is unconsciously attaching his value and identity to the acknowledgment he thinks he will receive from being a «good dad.» He knows that when he takes his daughter walking people will look at her and smile. Some will comment about the cute little girl and her father out for a walk. A few will stop and ask her age and others will gush about what a precious little angel she is. This attention makes Cal feel good about himself.

The irony is that no one really values Cal for his attachments. Further, his dependency on external validation actually prevents people from getting to know him just as he is. None of these things have anything to do with who he is as a person. Nevertheless, they are the things he believes give him identity and value.

Seeking The Approval Of Women

Nice Guys seek external validation in just about every social situation, but their quest for approval is the most pronounced in their relationships with women. Nice Guys interpret a woman’s approval as the ultimate validation of their worth. Signs of a woman’s approval can take the form of her desire to have sex, flirtatious behavior, a smile, a touch, or attentiveness. At the other end of the spectrum, if a woman is depressed, in a bad mood, or angry, Nice Guys interpret these things to mean that she is not accepting or approving of them.

There are numerous negative consequences in seeking the approval of women.

Seeking women’s approval requires Nice Guys to constantly monitor the possibility of a woman’s availability. The possibility of availability is a term I use to describe the subjective measure of a woman’s sexual availability. Since Nice Guys see sex as the ultimate form of acceptance, and they believe a woman must be in a good mood before she will have sex, these men are constantly diligent to not do anything that might upset a woman whom they desire. In addition, if a woman they desire is angry, depressed, or in a bad mood, they believe they must do something quickly —lie, offer solutions, sacrifice self, manipulate— to fix it.

The possibility of availability extends beyond just sex. Since Nice Guys have been conditioned by their families and society to never do anything to upset a woman, they are hyper-vigilant in responding to the moods and desires of women they don’t even plan on having sex with.

Seeking women’s approval gives women the power to set the tone of the relationship. Nice Guys constantly report that their own moods are often tied to the moods of their partner. If she is happy and doing OK, so is he. If she is angry, depressed, or stressed, he will feel anxious until she is fixed. This connection runs so deep that many Nice Guys have told me that they feel guilty if they are in a good mood when their partner is not.

Seeking women’s approval gives women the power to define men and determine their worth. If a woman says he is «wrong» or thinks he is a «jerk,» a Nice Guy will be inclined to believe she is right.

Even if the Nice Guy argues with the woman’s evaluation, at some level he knows that since she is the woman, she must be right. (One Nice Guy asked me, «If a man is talking in the forest and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?»)

Seeking women’s approval creates rage toward women. Though most Nice Guys claim to «love» women, the truth is, most of these men have tremendous rage toward women. This is because we tend to eventually despise whatever we make into our god. When our god fails to respond in the ways we expect, we humans tend to respond in one of two ways. We either blindly intensify our acts of worship or lash out in righteous anger. When Nice Guys put a woman or women on a pedestal and attempt to win their approval, sooner or later, this adoration will turn to rage when these objects of worship fail to live up to the Nice Guys' expectations. This is why it is not unusual to hear a Nice Guy proclaim his undying love to a woman in one breath and then ragefully call her a «f… c…» only moments later.

Breaking Free Activity #5

If you did not care what people thought of you, how would you live your life differently?

If you were not concerned with getting the approval of women, how would your relationships with the opposite sex be different?

Cover-Up Artists

When my son Steve was nine years old, he accidentally poked some holes in our kitchen table with a ballpoint pen. When he realized what he had done, he immediately showed his mother the damage.

Steve had appropriate, healthy shame about his mistake. He knew that his actions had caused damage to the table. He also knew that he had to take responsibility. Most importantly, he knew he wasn’t bad.

If I had done the same thing as a child (or even as an adult), I would have had an attack of toxic shame and tried my best to hide or deny what I had done. I would have been convinced someone was going to be angry at me and stop loving me. I would have lived with the secret as well as a constant fear of being found out.

Numerous Nice Guys have commented that they could relate to my son’s situation. Without exception, every one of them has admitted that they would have done the opposite of what Steve did —tried to cover it up.

As stated above, everything a Nice Guy does is calculated to try to win approval or avoid disapproval.

Since Nice Guys do not believe they are OK just as they are, they see any mistake or perceived flaw as proof that they are bad and unlovable. They believe that if anyone sees how bad they really are, they will be hurt, shamed, or abandoned. As a result, Nice Guys are consummate cover-up artists.

Nice Guys believe they must hide or distract attention from any perceived shortcoming…

• If they forget something.
• If they are late.
• If they break something.
• If they don’t understand something.
• If they do something wrong.
• If they are depressed.
• If they are in pain.
• If they generally mess up.

The Nice Guy’s need to hide is often the most pronounced in areas that are just part of being human and alive.

• That they are sexual.
• That they have bodily functions.
• That they are getting older.
• That they are losing their hair.
• That they have needs.
• That they are imperfect.

Breaking Free Activity #6

Look over the lists above. Write down examples of situations in which you have tried to hide or distract attention from any of these perceived flaws. How effective do you think you are in keeping these things hidden from the people you love?

Hiding The Evidence

Nice Guys find many creative ways to cover up their perceived flaws and mistakes. These include: Lying

Most Nice Guys pride themselves on being honest and trustworthy. Ironically, Nice Guys are fundamentally dishonest. Nice Guys will tell lies, partial truths, and omit information if they believe it will prevent someone from focusing on them in a negative way.

Drawing On Their Account

Since Nice Guys strive so hard to be good, giving, and caring, they believe these acts should build up a credit that wipes clean any wrong they might do. Part of the Nice Guy’s belief is that if he does most things right, no one should ever notice the few things (if any) he does wrong.

Fixing

Mature people take responsibility for their actions. When they make a mistake or act inappropriately, they apologize, make amends, or repair the damage. Conversely, Nice Guys try to fix situations by doing whatever it takes to get the other person to stop being upset.

DEER Response

DEER is an acronym I use for: Defend Explain Excuse Rationalize. These are all fear-based behaviors used to distract others from focusing on the Nice Guy’s mistakes and «badness.» The Nice Guy is most likely to go into the DEER Response when he has done something or failed to do something, and someone (usually wife, partner, or boss) confronts him and expresses his or her feelings.

Turning The Tables

If someone gets angry at a Nice Guy or points out some flaw or mistake, his shame will be triggered. In an attempt to distract himself and the other person from his «badness» he may try to turn the tables and do something to trigger the other person’s shame. I call this shame dumping. This unconscious strategy is based on the belief that if the Nice Guy can shift the focus to the other person’s badness, he can slip out of the spotlight. Typical shame dumping techniques include blame, bringing up the past, deflection, and pointing out the other person’s flaws.

Walls

Nice Guys build walls that prevent others from getting too close. Understandably, this affects their ability to be intimate, but it also protects them from the consequences of being found out. These walls might include: Addictions (food, sex, t.v., alcohol, work, etc.), humor, sarcasm, intellectualism, perfectionism, and isolation.

Teflon Men

As much as Nice Guys try to look good and get people to like them, the above defenses keep people at arm’s length. Like most Nice Guy patterns, these unconscious behaviors actually accomplish the exact opposite of what the Nice Guy really craves. While desiring love and connection, his behaviors serve as an invisible force field that keeps people from being able to get close to him.

Nice Guys have a difficult time comprehending that in general, people are not drawn to perfection in others. People are drawn to shared interests, shared problems, and an individual’s life energy.

Humans connect with humans. Hiding one’s humanity and trying to project an image of perfection makes a person vague, slippery, lifeless, and uninteresting. I often refer to Nice Guys as Teflon Men.

They work so hard to be smooth, nothing can stick to them. Unfortunately, this Teflon coating also makes it difficult for people to get close. It is actually a person’s rough edges and human imperfections that give others something to connect with.

Breaking Free Activity #7

Do you believe that people can see your human imperfections and still love you?

How would you be different if you knew the people who care about you would never leave you or stop loving you —no matter what?

Self-Approval

Recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome involves changing core paradigms. Instead of seeking external validation and avoiding disapproval, recovering Nice Guys must begin seeking the approval of the only person who really matters —themselves.

Ironically, when Nice Guys begin focusing on pleasing themselves, they actually begin to experience the intimacy and connection with others that they have always desperately craved. To help facilitate this recovery process, Nice Guys can:

• Identify how they seek approval.
• Take good care of themselves.
• Give themselves positive affirmations.
• Spend extended periods of time alone.
• Reveal themselves to safe people.

Identifying Approval-Seeking Behavior Helps Nice Guys Learn To Approve Of Themselves

As odd as it may sound, Nice Guys have to practice being themselves. One way to begin this process is to pay attention when trying to impress or get approval. Recovering Nice Guys can observe themselves spending extra time on their hair, holding the door open for someone, cleaning the kitchen, or walking with their child in the park —just to get noticed or praised.

As they become aware of how much time and energy they spend trying to garner approval, they can begin living an inside-out kind of life. This means, rather than focusing outward for acceptance and approval, they turn inward. In doing so, they can begin asking themselves the important questions:

«What do I want,» «What feels right to me,» «What would make me happy?»

Earlier in the chapter, I presented Cal as an illustration of how Nice Guys use «attachments» —things outside of themselves to get value. During a session of individual therapy, I asked Cal to make a list of things he used to get approval from others. The next week he brought in a two-page list. I encouraged him to pick one attachment from the list and for the next month, pay attention to how he used it to get value.

Cal decided to focus on his car. Cal kept his car perfectly clean, inside and out. He believed this was one of the things that impressed people and made them like him. He made a conscious decision to not wash or vacuum his car for the next month. While doing so, he would pay attention to how he felt and how people responded to him.

Since Cal lives in the Seattle area, his car soon developed a gray haze from rain and road grime. On numerous occasions, he had to fight the impulse to wash it. When he drove down the road, he was sure that people were looking at his filthy car and judging him. When he drove to work or a friend’s house, he waited for someone to shame him. When his daughter drew pictures in the dirt with her finger, it was almost more than he could stand.

At the end of the month Cal washed and waxed his car and felt a sense of relief. Surprisingly enough, during the month, not one person had commented on his dirty car and no one had quit liking him or removed their love from him. Likewise, washing and waxing his car after a month didn’t make anyone like him better or garner him any new friends.

Breaking Free Activity #8

Go back to the list of approval-seeking behaviors at the beginning of this chapter. Choose one of the ways you try to get external validation and do one of the following:

1. Go on a moratorium from this behavior. Set a period of time to stop doing it. Tell the people around you what you are doing. If you slip, tell a safe person about it. Use the slip as information about why, in that particular moment, you felt the need to get external approval.
2. Consciously do more of this behavior. This may not make logical sense, but it is a powerful way to explore any dysfunctional behavior. Observe how you feel when you consciously try harder to get external validation.

Taking Good Care of the Self Helps Nice Guys Learn To Approve Of Themselves Taking good care of the self is essential for changing one’s belief about the self. If a Nice Guy believes he isn’t worth much, his actions toward himself will reflect this belief. When a recovering Nice Guy begins to consciously do good things for himself, these actions imply that he must be worth something.

When I address this issue with Nice Guys, they frequently can’t think of more than one or two good things to do for themselves. Together, we will often brainstorm and make a list of possible things to do.

These good things can range from simple acts like drinking lots of water or flossing their teeth to more extensive things like taking a trip or buying the car they have always wanted. Below are a few possibilities:

• Exercise, work out, go for a walk.
• Eat healthy food.
• Get enough sleep.
• Relax, play, goof off.
• Get a massage.
• Go out with buddies.
• Buy a new pair of shoes.
• Get shoes polished.
• Get dental work done.
• Get a physical.
• Listen to music.

As the recovering Nice Guy begins to do good things for himself, he will feel uncomfortable. He may actually feel frightened, anxious, guilty, or confused. These feelings are the result of what is called cognitive dissonance.

When the Nice Guy does something good for himself he is doing something that implies he is valuable.

This will conflict with his deeply held belief that he is worthless. As a result, he will experience dissonance —a clashing of two competing messages. In time, one of the beliefs will win. I encourage recovering Nice Guys to keep being good to themselves, no matter how frightening. In time the core messages from childhood are replaced with new, more accurate beliefs that reflect their inherent worth.

Todd, introduced in the beginning of the chapter, spent so much time trying to get the approval of others that he rarely did anything for himself. On the encouragement of other men in his No More Mr. Nice Guy! group, Todd decided to consciously begin doing things for himself. He began small by buying himself new socks and underwear.

After a few weeks he started an exercise program and began working out regularly. Even though it made him feel guilty, he started going to a massage therapist every other week. After six months, Todd decided to spend $2,000 dollars to join a singles activity club. He shared with the group that even though he occasionally heard a little voice that said he wasn’t worth it, doing so was one of the most affirming things he had ever done. A couple of months later, he reported that he had gone on two dates with two different women, both of whom seemed to like him just as he was.

Breaking Free Activity #9

Begin with the list above and add good things that you can do for yourself. Put the list up where you will see it and choose at least one thing per day and do it for yourself.

Affirming Self Helps Nice Guys Learn To Approve Of Themselves

Positive affirmations can help change the Nice Guy’s core belief about himself. Affirmations replace old, inaccurate messages about the Nice Guy’s worth with new, more realistic ones. When used alone, the affects of affirmations are usually short-lived. This is because these messages are contrary to the oldest, deepest beliefs the Nice Guy holds about himself. Affirmations are only effective when used along with other processes that help change the Nice Guy’s core beliefs.

Breaking Free Activity #10

Make a list of positive affirmations about yourself. Write them on note cards and place them where you will see them regularly. Change the cards often so they stay fresh. When you read affirmations, close your eyes and fully embrace the meaning of the words. Observe any tendency of your mind to reject the affirmations in favor of old, deeply held beliefs.

The following are some possible affirmations:

«I am lovable just as I am.»

«I am perfectly imperfect.»

«My needs are important.»

«I am a strong and powerful person.»

«I can handle it.»

«People love and accept me just as I am.»

«It is OK to be human and make mistakes.»

«I am the only person I have to please.»

Spending Time Alone Helps Nice Guys Learn To Approve Of Themselves

Spending extended time alone is an important process in recovering from the Nice Guy Syndrome.

When alone, Nice Guys can discover who they are, what they like about themselves, and what rules they choose to govern their lives. I strongly recommend that Nice Guys take trips and retreats by themselves to places where no one knows them. In this context, the Nice Guy has fewer reasons to try to win people’s approval, and there is less of a need to try to hide faults and mistakes. While alone, Nice Guys can reflect on themselves and their life direction. It is also a good time to practice taking responsibility for one’s needs.

When alone, the recovering Nice Guy can do what he wants without having to please or compromise. He will go to bed and get up when he wants. He will decide when and what to eat. He will decide where he goes and what he does. When alone he will be less likely to caretake, seek approval, sacrifice self, or try to fix someone’s problems.

Spending extended periods of time alone also helps recovering Nice Guys face their number one fear —loneliness and isolation. When the Nice Guy discovers that spending time alone doesn’t kill him, he may also realize that he doesn’t have to stay in bad relationships, tolerate intolerable behavior, or manipulate people to try to get his needs met.

This time alone is spent most effectively when the Nice Guy can observe his tendency to distract himself with addictive patterns such as keeping busy, or using sex, food, or alcohol to medicate. Writing in a journal during these times can be especially effective. Some of the most insightful periods I have experienced in life have been by myself on weekend camping trips, week-long retreats, and times when my wife has been out of town.

Breaking Free Activity #11

Plan a weekend trip to the mountains or beach. If possible, plan a vacation or retreat for a week or longer by yourself to a place where no one knows you. Visit a foreign country by yourself if at all possible. Use this time as an opportunity for self-observation and reflection. Keep a journal.

Practice good self-care. Take along this book and spend time doing the Breaking Free exercises.

When you return home, observe how you are different and how long it takes for you to begin returning to familiar patterns.

Revealing Self Helps Nice Guys Learn To Approve Of Themselves

When Nice Guys try to hide their humanity from others, they reinforce their core belief that they are bad and unlovable. Changing this core belief requires that they bring their humanity out into the open, release their toxic shame, and receive more accurate messages than the ones internalized in childhood.

By necessity, this process requires a safe person or safe people.

As frightening as it may initially feel, finding these safe people is essential for learning to approve of self. The recovering Nice Guy cannot do this part alone. Safe people are essential for reversing the distorted beliefs all Nice Guys have about their worth.

This process requires building trust. I suggest that the recovering Nice Guy set a regular time to meet with his safe person or group, and a little at a time, start revealing himself. This process begins by just talking about himself. This in itself makes many Nice Guys uncomfortable. Over time, the recovering Nice Guy can begin revealing the things about himself that he is the least comfortable letting others see.

Once trust has been established, he can begin to reveal things about himself that create fear and shame. I have watched many Nice Guys go from being secretive and evasive to revealing their deepest, darkest secrets in the presence of safe people.

Reid, a recovering alcoholic and a member of a No More Mr. Nice Guy! group is a good example of this process.

Reid came into a group late one evening and remained quiet and detached for the first thirty or forty minutes. Reid’s pattern in the group was to either join in actively or stay withdrawn. His quiet periods were often a signal that he was emotionally distraught. When an opportune time arose, I told Reid that he seemed withdrawn and I asked how he was doing.

Once the attention of the group focused on him, his appearance shifted from detachment to terror. «I almost didn’t come tonight.» He whispered softly as he looked down at his hands. «In fact, I was thinking about quitting the group.»

A couple of the guys reflected the concern of the whole group by asking what was going on.

«I just feel so terrible,» Reid continued, «I’ve done something so terrible, I just didn’t know if I could face all of you.»

My thoughts began to race as to what he could have done that might cause the group rise up in judgment against him. One of the group members asked if he was having an affair.

«No, worse.» Reid responded. «I’ve done something so terrible, I don’t even know if I can tell you about it.»

As the group offered their support and encouragement, Reid broke through his fear and shame and began to open up.

«Last week I got reprimanded by my boss and then I got into a fight with my wife. I was so depressed that I went out and bought a fifth of Vodka and got drunk. I’ve been on a binge ever since and I just can’t make myself stop.»

Tears were running down Reid’s face as the shame of his addiction to alcohol raised its ugly head once again. He had been clean and sober since joining the group six months earlier. He was active in AA, but had experienced a number of slips and relapses in his 12 years of recovery.

A group member handed him a box of tissues and Reid wiped his eyes. He then continued telling his story and revealing his shame in between sobs.

«I’m back to all my old ways of lying and manipulating. I’m totally out of control.»

I asked if he had called his sponsor or gone to a meeting since this began. He shook his head and shared that he had slipped so many times that he didn’t think anyone would care or want him back.

Various members of the group shared with Reid that they didn’t think he was bad nor did they have judgment of him. They could see that he was hurting. They told him that they had great respect that he came into group and revealed what was going on, especially since he had so much shame about it.

After a few moments, Reid revealed, «That’s not all. There’s more.» He began to sob once again. Lifting his hand to his forehead he shook his head as in disgust for himself.

«It gets worse. I went to the peep shows near my work two times this week.» He turned his eyes to the floor and wept almost uncontrollably. «I had been doing so good.» He choked out between sobs, «Now I’ve blown it all. I feel totally worthless and don’t want to go on living. I’ve made a mess of everything.»

For the rest of the hour, the group supported Reid and encouraged him to go all the way through his shame. They reassured him that he wasn’t bad and that no one had judgment of him. To the contrary, everyone respected him for revealing his shame and pain. They supported him in talking to his wife, calling his sponsor and going to a meeting. They asked him to call one group member each day during the next week and let them know how he was doing.

When Reid left the group that night, he was obviously shaken and scared. He had also released a heavy burden and received the support of a group of people who genuinely cared about him and wanted him to be OK. No matter how deeply Reid feared that his badness would cause people to judge him and abandon him, neither of these things happened. Instead, he received the message that there was nothing he could do that would make the men in the group stop liking him or stop caring about him.

Shedding Old Skin

As recovering Nice Guys release their toxic shame and start seeking their own approval, they begin to realize several important truths.

• They are not bad.
• They don’t have to do anything to win other people’s approval.
• They don’t have to hide their perceived flaws or mistakes.
• People can love them just as they are.

As recovering Nice Guys begin to apply the principles described in this chapter they can embrace the reality that they are human. Like every other human, Nice Guys make mistakes, use poor judgment, and act inappropriately. Nevertheless, their humanity doesn’t make them bad or unlovable nor does it cause other people to stop loving them.

Imperfect humans can only connect with other imperfect humans. Most folks tend to be attracted to individuals who have some substance and sense of self. Chameleons usually don’t draw much of a crowd or get many ovations.

By shedding their chameleon skin and learning to please themselves, recovering Nice Guys begin to experience the intimacy and connection they have always desired. By learning to approve of themselves, they begin to radiate a life energy and charisma that draws people to them. As Nice Guys stop seeking approval and stop trying to hide their perceived flaws, they open a door to start getting what they really want in love and life.