At last! The final book in the trilogy of Hamish X. We’ve fought Cheese Pirates. We’ve battled Grey Agents and their evil machines. We’ve met kings and raccoons, friends and foes. Now, we arrive at Book III. It’s time for the chickens to come home to roost.1
I hope you’ve been paying attention to the developments in the books. I’ve taken great pains to lay everything out as simply and clearly as I can. Not too simply and clearly, of course. I wouldn’t want to insult your intelligence by assuming you were incapable of understanding more complex plot points and challenging words. If you are still reading by this, the third book, I assume you appreciate my efforts and I haven’t lost you. If I have lost you, why are you still reading? Are you trapped in an airport or on a bus or in some other equally dull place and forced to read things you don’t really understand just to pass the time? If so, put this book down and find another diversion: thumb-wrestling, nose-picking, nail-chewing, or some other less taxing way to occupy your tiny, bewildered mind.
We’re coming to the most important part of the story now: the end! When I first entered the ANCC,2 we were told that the end is the most important part of any story. Really, it’s quite obvious. Why even bother telling a story if you aren’t going to end it? What’s the point? If stories ended in the middle and never seemed to have any real conclusion, they would be very unsatisfying. Why, they’d be just like our daily lives that go on and on without any really well-defined stops. That’s one of the reasons people like reading stories: they get to see the beginning, middle, and end. Nice and neat. I try to do that with my own life. I get up in the morning and right before I eat breakfast I say, “Once upon a time, the narrator ate his breakfast.” When I go to sleep I say, “The End!” Very loudly. My neighbours think I am slightly mad, but I find it gives me a certain amount of personal satisfaction and closure.
My editors wanted me to recap the action from the first two books so that readers are up to speed with the story. I really can’t be bothered. I find it tedious to repeat myself, so I won’t. If you can’t remember the first two books, read them again right now. I’ll wait . . .
Done? Fine. And for those of you who are just picking up this third book without bothering to read the first two, I must say I think you are extremely lazy, cutting to the end like that. You don’t deserve to have a summary of the first two books at your disposal. All the other readers took the time to read those books and so should you. Shame on you! Shame! Big disgusting buckets of steaming, sticky shame.
Oh, my. I’m becoming a little cranky and short-tempered. Please forgive me. The strain of telling this very complex story is starting to wear me down. Who knew this tale would have so many amazing escapes, daring adventures, and powerful smells?3 Have no fear, dear readers! I will tough it out to the end. There is nothing that will keep me from reaching the final chapter. Narrators have a sacred duty to complete their stories. I take that duty seriously. Not finishing a story once started can carry stiff penalties enforced by the Universal Narrators’ Guild.4
Without further nonsense, let’s get to our story. Turn the page and join me as we begin the first chapter of the last book in the tale of Hamish X and his friends, Mimi and Parveen.