Norton and
Villiers
I shut up the office at five after
completing the form P3-8F for Wizard Moobin’s accident and all the
B1-7Gs for the day’s work. Once they were signed by the magician
they related to, my day was done. But as I walked along the
corridor towards the lobby the Quarkbeast’s hackles rose and he
made growly Quarky noises deep in his throat. It was easy to see
why. There were two men waiting for me beneath the spreading boughs
of the oak tree.
‘Call the Quarkbeast off, Miss Strange,’
said one of the men. ‘We’re not here to harm you or it.’
The two men were well dressed and very
familiar. They were Royal Police, and were always the ones assigned
to investigate any possible deviation from the Magical Powers
(amended 1966) Act. I’d known them for as long as I had been here,
and two things were certain: one, they would go away empty handed,
and two: they always began with the same introduction, even though
they knew exactly who I was – and I them.
‘I’m Detective Norton,’ said the taller and
thinner of the two, ‘and this is Sergeant Villiers. We work for the
King and we would like you to help us with our inquiries.’
Sergeant Villiers was a good deal heavier in
body and face than Norton, and we often joked that the pair of them
looked like the ‘Before and After’ in a slimming
advertisement.
The Quarkbeast sniffed Villiers’ trouser leg
excitedly, and wagged his tail.
‘You have a new wooden leg, Sergeant,’ I
observed, ‘made of walnut.’
‘How did you know?’
‘Walnut is catnip to a Quarkbeast. If you
still have your old one, I’d wear it next time you come
round.’
‘I’ll remember that,’ he said, peering
nervously at the Quarkbeast, who was in turn staring intently at
his leg, his razor-sharp fangs dripping with saliva. He’d have
eaten the leg in under a second if I’d allowed him, but
Quarkbeasts, for all their fearsome looks, were dutiful to a fault.
They were one tenth Labrador, and the rest was a mix of
velociraptor and kitchen blender. It was the tenth that
mattered.
‘So, gentlemen,’ I said, ‘how can I
help?’
‘Is Mr Zambini back yet?’
‘I’m afraid not.’
‘I see. You have a few soothsayers and
pre-cogs on yours books, I understand?’
‘You know I have,’ I answered, ‘and they
both hold Class IV Premonition Certificates.’
‘Quark,’ said the Quarkbeast, sensing the
defensive tone in my voice.
‘Have any of your pre-cogs mentioned the
death of Maltcassion?’ asked Norton.
‘It doesn’t take any special skills,
Detective. Take a look up at the Dragonlands. Besides, doesn’t the
King have a seer of his own?’
Villiers nodded in agreement. ‘He certainly
does. The Inconsistent Sage O’Neons has predicted the death of the
Dragon, but also mentioned that the Dragon was to be killed by a
Dragonslayer. Does this sound correct?’
‘No one can enter the Dragonlands
but a Dragonslayer, Villiers. I think
perhaps Sage O’Neons is less astounding than you think.’
‘Insulting the King’s advisers is an
offence, Miss Strange.’
I’d had enough of all the
beating-around-the-bush stuff.
‘What do you want, Norton? This isn’t a
social call.’
Villiers and Norton exchanged glances. The
door to the Sisters Karamazov’s apartment opened and they both
popped their heads out.
‘I’m fine, sisters, thank you.’
They nodded and withdrew. It was Villiers
who spoke next.
‘Sage O’Neons said a young woman named
Strange would be involved in the Dragondeath.’
‘There must be hundreds in the phone
book.’
‘Perhaps, but only one has a
Quarkbeast.’
The Quarkbeast looked up quizzically.
‘Quark,’ he said.
They both stared at me as though I was
somehow meant to account for myself appearing in one of the royal
seer’s visions.
‘Pre-cogs,’ I began, measuring my words
carefully, ‘even royal ones, don’t
always get it right. Any seer worth his salt will tell you a
premonition is seven-tenths interpretation. And remember, Strange
isn’t just a name, it’s an adjective.’
Villiers and Norton shuffled uneasily. It
didn’t make a whole lot of sense to them either, interviewing
someone on the basis of a vision, but when the King speaks, they
have to do his bidding.
‘We’re just following a number of leads,
Miss Strange. I hope you would consider your allegiance to His
Majesty King Snodd IV (may he live for ever) above all else?’
‘Of course.’
Villiers nodded.
‘Then I would expect a call if you knew
anything?’
‘Goes without saying.’
They knew I didn’t mean it, and I knew they
knew. They bade me good afternoon and left, purposefully leaving
the front door open.
I went up to my room and switched on the
television. It was as I had feared: the news about the potential
Dragondeath was going national. The Ununited Kingdoms Broadcasting
Corporation was running a live feed from the Dragonlands – they had
even sent their star anchorwoman.
‘This is Sophie Trotter of the UKBC,’
announced the reporter, ‘speaking live from the Maltcassion
Dragonlands, here in the Black Mountains. A wave of premonitions
about the death of the last Dragon has given rise to a gathering in
the Marcher Kingdom of Hereford. No one can say for sure when this
event will happen, but as soon as the repulsive old lizard kicks
the bucket you can be sure that there will be a wild race to claim
as much land as possible. When he dies, the good people of the
Ununited Kingdoms can finally sleep easily in their beds, secure in
the knowledge that the last of these loathsome worms has been
eradicated from the world. The question that is on everyone’s lips
is: when? An answer that we, as yet, do not know. But when the
Dragon finally croaks you can be sure that UKBC will be in with the
first wave of new claimants. Next up, an exclusive interview with
leading Herefordian knight Sir Matt Crifflon, who explains why the
dragon needs to die, and plays his latest hit song: “A Horse, a
Sword, and Me”.’
‘Makes you sick, doesn’t it?’ said a voice
from the door. It was Wizard Moobin, none the worse for the
explosion that morning.
‘Sir Matt Grifflon’s new song?’ I asked.
‘No, I thought it was quite good – if you like that kind of
thing.’
‘The Dragonlands. If I had my way I’d make
them a national park, a safe haven for wild Quarkbeasts. Isn’t that
right, lad?’
‘Quark,’ said the Quarkbeast happily. I gave
him two unopened tins of dog food. He crunched them up happily, can
and all.
‘We agree on that,’ I replied, ‘but if
you’re going to play jokes on the new boy, can you please not ask
Patrick of Ludlow to help out? He’s very impressionable.’
‘I don’t know what you mean. Watch
this.’
And so saying, he put out his hand and
narrowed his eyes. There was a crackle in the air and a vase
displaced itself from my dresser and flew across the room to his
outstretched hand. The Quarkbeast Quarked excitedly; there was now
a bunch of flowers in the vase as well.
‘These are for you,’ said the Wizard
gallantly, presenting the roses with a flourish.
I took the flowers carefully, for they were
not real in any sense of the word, just images conjured up by the
wizard. They twinkled with small sparks of electricity in the
dimness of the room, and changed colour slowly, like the setting
sun. They were beautiful, but wholly out of Moobin’s league.
‘They’re fantastic!’ I muttered, adding:
‘Don’t think me rude, but . . . ?’
‘I’m as surprised as you are,’ he confessed,
pulling a small device from his pocket. It was a portable
Shandarmeter – a device for measuring wizidrical power. He turned
the gadget on and handed it to me. I pointed the meter at him as he
levitated the vase.
‘What did I get?’
‘3000 Shandars.’
‘Last week I could barely manage 1500,’ said
Moobin excitedly. ‘Even if we discount the lead/gold switcheroo as
a surge, I’m still twice as powerful as I was two days ago.’
‘You think it’s connected with the
Dragondeath?’
‘A definite link between Dragons and magic
was never proved, but the nearer I am to the Dragonlands, the
stronger my powers. The same jobs I might try in London take a lot
more effort.’
‘You’re not the only one,’ I replied drily.
‘I can’t send Mrs Croft to do anything worthwhile farther than
Oxford, and Roger Kierkegaard failed utterly when he was on that
geological survey in the Sinai.’
The wizard sighed.
‘I rarely like to work much farther than
Yorkshire, yet my father was powerful as far away as the Great
Troll Wall.’
‘There were more Dragons then,’ I answered.
‘More dragons, more magic, fewer dragons, less magic. The thing
is,’ I added, ‘when Maltcassion dies, does magic go with him? All
this might be the last knockings – the brief surge an engine will
give before it runs out of petrol.’
Moobin went quiet.
‘There could be something in what you say.
Sister Karamazov mentioned a Big Magic, but I have my
doubts.’
‘Big Magic?’
Moobin shrugged.
‘It’s an old wizard’s legend – of a massive
burst of wizidrical power that changes everything.’
‘Good or bad?’
‘No one knows.’
We stood in silence for a moment.
‘Perhaps if I were to talk to the
Dragonslayer?’ I ventured.
‘Is there one?’
‘There has to
be, doesn’t there? It was part of the Dragonpact.’
‘You could try. It’s possible that the
Dragon may not die. After all, seers and pre-cogs only see a
version of the future. There are few
premonitions – if any – that can’t be altered.’
Wizard Moobin left soon after and I gazed at
the roses as they twinkled and faded as the magic wore off. Then
Owen of Rhayder knocked on my door. He was our second carpeteer.
Owen had defected to Hereford from the ramshackle Cambrian
Potentate in Mid Wales about ten years previously, which wasn’t
hard to do if your particular skill was carpet.
‘Look at this, Jennifer, girl,’ he said
crossly, unfurling the carpet and letting it hover in the middle of
the room.
‘There’s mangy for you.’
He waved a table light under the carpet and
the light gleamed through the threadbare old rug.
‘As soon as a hole opens up I’m going to
retire. I don’t want to go the way of Brother Velobius.’
Brother Velobius had run a magic carpet taxi
service about thirty years ago, in the days before all sorts of
regulations seriously hampered the carpet business. On a high-speed
trip to Norwich Brother Velobius and both his passengers died when
his Turkmen Mk18-C ‘Bukhara’ carpet broke up in mid-air. The Air
Accident Investigation Department painstakingly rebuilt the carpet,
and eventually concluded that the break-up was caused by rug
fatigue. All carpets were vigorously tested after that and none
passed the stringent safety rules for passenger carrying, and they
were relegated to solo operation and delivery duties. But that
wasn’t all: operators were told to carry licences, a registration
number, navigation lights for night flying and a mandatory upper
speed limit of 100 knots. It was like selling someone a Ferrari and
telling the new owner not to change out of first gear.
‘It looks like we’re going to lose the live
organ transportation contract,’ I told him.
His face fell and he lowered the carpet to
the floor, where it rolled itself automatically and hopped into the
corner, startling the Quarkbeast, who dived under the table in
fright.
‘So it’s pizza and curry deliveries, then?’
he asked bitterly.
‘We’re in negotiations with FedEx to make up
the shortfall.’
‘Deliveries aren’t the spirit of carpeting, Jenny, bach,’ he said sadly. ‘Organ delivery made us
relevant.’
‘I’m really doing my best, Owen.’
‘Well, perhaps your best is not good
enough.’
He glared at me, unfurled his carpet and was
off out of the window, streaking back towards Benny’s Pizzas to do
some deliveries.