This is something I wrote back in college. It’s the first time I ever did a story using only dialog. I read this at the infamous Gross Out Contest at the World Horror Con, but was pulled off the stage for not being gross enough. The next year I came back with a truly disgusting story and won the contest, becoming the Gross Out Champion of 2004. The story that won the contest will never see print. If you’re curious, the ending involved relations with a colostomy bag. This piece is much less extreme.

“Hi, welcome to Ranaldi’s. You folks ready to order?”

“Not quite yet.”

“How about we start you off with some drinks?”

“Sounds good. I’ll have a rum and toothpaste.”

“Flavor?”

“Pepsident.”

“I’m sorry. We only have Aim, Close-Up, Gleem, and Tarter Control Crest.”

“Give me the Crest, then.”

“And you sir?”

“I’ll take a Kahlua and baby oil.”

“Miss?”

“Vodka and mayonnaise.”

“How about you, Miss?”

“Just hot buttered coffee for me.”

“I think I’m ready to order.”

“What can I get you sir?”

“A pimpleburger.”

“How would you like that cooked?”

“Until it turns brown and starts to bubble.”

“You have a choice of soup or salad with that.”

“What’s the soup?”

“Cream of Menstruation. It’s our special — we only get it once a month.”

“That sounds good.”

“How about you sir, ready to order?”

“Yeah. I’ll take boils and eggs.”

“Good choice. The chef has several big ones just waiting to be lanced.”

“Is the ham fresh?”

“No ma’am.”

“Okay, I’ll take the ham. Can you cover it with vomit?”

“Of course. What kind?”

“How about from someone who has just eaten chicken?”

“I’ll have the cook eat some chicken right now so he can puke it up for you.”

“I’d like it to be partially digested, if possible.”

“There will be a forty minute wait for that.”

“No problem.”

“And you miss? Have you decided?”

“Yeah. I think I’ll just take a bowl of hot grease with a hair in it.”

“Pubic or armpit?”

“Can I get one of each?”

“I think I can arrange that.”

“Could we also get an appetizer?”

“Of course sir.”

“Fresh rat entrails.”

“How many orders?”

“How big are the rats?”

“They’re a pretty good size.”

“Okay, two. Do we get to dig them out ourselves?”

“Yep. We serve out rat entrails live and squirming.”

“Make it three then.”

“Can we get a cup of placenta for dipping?”

“Yes you can.”

“Is it okay to order dessert now?”

“Of course miss.”

“I’d like the sugar fried snot.”

“Good choice. One of the busboys has a terrible cold.”

“I think I’ll have a slice of lung cake.”

“Would you like spit sauce on that?”

“On the side.”

“Sir, would you like to order your dessert now?”

“A blood sundae.”

“What kind?”

“What kind do you have?

“Types A, B, and O.”

“No AB?”

“I’m sorry. We’re out.”

“Could you mix A and B together?”

“It will clot.”

“That’s okay.”

“And you, Miss? Dessert?”

“I think I’ll skip dessert and eat my own stool when I get home.”

“That’s a good idea, honey. Cancel the lung cake, I think I’ll just eat my wife’s shit too.”

“We do serve feces here. Regular and chunky style. We’re also running a special on diarrhea. Two cups for the price of one.”

“No thanks. Why buy something you can get for free at home?”

“Thrifty thinking, sir. Can I get you folks anything else?”

“Yeah. This fork has got water spots on it. Can I get a new one?”

“Absolutely sir. I’ll be right back.”