AN ACCUSE

Last night’s nightmare: I play myself in a high school play. I perform in the wings, dramatically studying for a physics exam. I turn textbook pages furiously and highlight them in angry swooping gestures. I bury my face in my hands. After the applause, I ask my art teacher: No one could see me, could they? He says, No, but the crowd loved it. Next, I am running through the high school. My newspaper advisor stops me, asks, On your way to identify me? He smirks. I run.

I wake up sweating next to Flannery and Bishop. I am guessing they refused to give Chris enough room in bed again. Sure enough, he’s in his office, asleep on his futon.

I go into my office, sit on my daybed, hold my manuscript, stand, sit at my desk. What am I doing? I visit my hometown’s police department website. I request the investigation records about my newspaper advisor. I used to have them, but I threw away my copy years ago. What if I’m misremembering what I told the detectives? I need to get this right.

I spend the rest of the morning and afternoon writing.

Chris and I take my mom out for dinner. She asks how the book is going, though she does not press me on what it’s about. I tell her it’s going okay. I suggest we skip seeing a movie that night. Though we never planned to see a movie. It’s just something to say.

The next morning, the police incident report arrives. I didn’t expect it to arrive so soon. I love this typo: so she made an accuse to leave the room.

According to the report, my principal and guidance counselor told detectives that I was someone who would not lie.

Amber, Heather, and Mark’s sister provided typed statements that the detectives summarized:

On a few occasions [Amber] had overheard [the newspaper advisor] asking Jeannie to come over to his house to work on the paper. . . . When Jeannie would stay late in school working, she asked [Amber] to stay and help, but [the newspaper advisor] would tell [Amber] she could leave.

[Heather] stated that she was present when [the newspaper advisor] had physically touched Jeannie and her. She stated that he has touched her arms, Jeannie’s shoulders and knees, by rubs, pats, or “accidents.” She claims that this occurred when they were working in close proximity to each other. She stated that [the newspaper advisor] would always talk about Jeannie falling short of her duties as editor, to the other students. She claims that Jeannie would have to stay at school late, working either alone or with [the newspaper advisor]. [Heather] recalls that after [the principal] ordered [the newspaper advisor] to stay away from Jeannie, she would see him following her and even attempted to try and talk with her on one occasion. It should be noted that there is nothing in [Heather]’s statement that shows any criminal wrongdoing by [the newspaper advisor].

[Mark’s sister] claims that when [the newspaper advisor] and Jeannie were in a room working alone, the door would usually be closed. She claims that [the newspaper advisor] frequently had his hands on Jeannie’s shoulders while she was working. . . . She also claims that Jeannie would be the only one he would ever ask to stay and work late.

After reading what Amber, Heather, and Mark’s sister told the detectives, I no longer seem so unreliable, or as unreliable as I felt.

But running like a refrain throughout the report: It should be noted that there is nothing in [Jeannie/Heather/Amber/Mark’s sister]’s statement that shows any criminal wrongdoing by [the newspaper advisor].

Garrett, Jake, Carlos, Daniel, and Mark—none of them provided statements. Maybe I didn’t complain to them about my newspaper advisor. Was I afraid of making them aware of what they could become?

I forgot about this: my newspaper advisor agreed to a CVSA test. CVSA: Computer Voice Stress Analyzer. The detective reported that during the pretest interview, [the newspaper advisor] noted Jeannie coming to school late . . .

But I didn’t actually arrive to school late. I simply didn’t go to homeroom because my newspaper advisor was also my homeroom teacher.

. . . Jeannie’s bloodshot eyes and overall physical appearance.

I was applying for college scholarships, studying for Advanced Placement exams, and worrying about my dad’s health. And my newspaper advisor regularly yelled at me, so sure, I wasn’t sleeping well. I probably did have bloodshot eyes. As for my overall physical appearance, what about it?

[The newspaper advisor] felt that he was doing what was in the best interest of Jeannie.

The following two relevant questions were asked of [the newspaper advisor]:

#4 Did you touch Jeannie’s leg in a sexual manner? No.

#6 Did you rub Jeannie’s leg in a sexual manner? No.

He passed the test. But if high stress is an indication of deception, then I can’t imagine ever passing something like that.

If someone had seen my newspaper advisor—no, let’s say filmed him—running his hand up my thigh and between my legs, would the detectives have considered his action criminal wrongdoing? I would hope so. But I’m now remembering when the detectives asked me, Is it possible that his hand slipped? And I had to grant them that. It’s unlikely, but yes, it’s possible. Also, I never thought it possible that a teacher would abuse me the way he did—but if I told that to the detectives, they didn’t note it in their report.

My newspaper advisor still teaches high school students. He’s married and has two daughters now. Does he worry about a teacher treating his daughters how he treated me? I hope so. I hope he worries about it every day.

. . .

HIM: Do you want to—just tell me what you want to do. We can talk.

ME: Occasionally, I’ll check in with you. Maybe at some point I can visit and we can meet in person to talk.

HIM: Yeah, we can grab a coffee or something. That would be great.

ME: Yeah, I think it would be really nice.

HIM: Yeah, it’s tough for me to—I’m basically working six days a week at the moment, so it can be tough for me to find time. But I’ll see what I can do.

ME: Yeah, it’s okay. It would be down the line. I guess I just wanted to see how open you would be to this. I really appreciate it.

HIM: I’m open to whatever you want from me.

ME: Okay.

HIM: Like I said, I owe you that much. Plus, it will, honestly, be really good to see you.

ME: Okay. Well, you have my number. Also, you have my email address. And if anything comes to you, a memory or something, don’t hesitate to email me. Anything like that’s going to be helpful to me. I can let you go.

HIM: Sounds like I should let you go.

ME: Oh no, I just don’t want to keep you. Do you work tomorrow?

HIM: I do, but I’ll be up for hours anyway. No matter what.

ME: Well, thank you again for reading my book. You didn’t have to do that. I’m sorry that it was upsetting, that that was the part you were in.

HIM: No, but who do I have to blame but myself, right?

ME: I’m glad we’re talking, though. So I can tell you: that’s not how I see you.

HIM: I just want to reiterate, it was a treat to read the early sections especially. It was interesting to see how you saw your childhood. Because our relationship with our fathers is so different.