READER, I HAD HIM ARRESTED

The two main definitions of gravity: the natural phenomenon that draws all things with mass toward one another; extreme or alarming importance.

Gravity often is described as a force, but the general theory of relativity describes it more accurately: gravity is a consequence of the curvature of space-time caused by the uneven distribution of mass.

With Mark, what happened felt less like force and more like a consequence of an uneven distribution of power. I was passed out. He was bigger and I was smaller.

Is rape not the consequence of an uneven distribution of power?

I tell Chris: I feel bad. I’m now in the position of power. I’m taking advantage of Mark.

You can’t compare the two, Chris says. In no way can you compare the two.

Still, the power feels uncomfortable. I can scrutinize the transcript and emails, criticize his answers and observations. Take his latest email:

I was unhappy as a child, and then as a teenager, and I erected the most impregnable emotional barriers I could muster in what amounted to desperate self-preservation. I was determined that no one and nothing be able to reach the parts of me that could be hurt, ever again. My chief weapons were bitter cynicism, and a biting, cruel sarcasm, which I cultivated with great diligence. I always felt that, to some degree, you could see through most of that, to the mostly terrified teenage boy at war with himself and trying desperately to make sense of the world.

Is he writing jacket copy for the book he imagines? Also: barriers, weapons, and war? We need to use the phone.

You have him on tape admitting to the crime, Chris says. What if you handed it over to the police? You could find out how law enforcement reacts.

No, I tell him. No. I wouldn’t do that. I’d never do that. I told Mark—

Just hear me out, Chris says. A lot of these guys don’t get punished.

But this happened fourteen years ago. That’s not to say there should be a time limit, but in this instance he’s expressed remorse.

But think of what a great ending it would be.

You’re joking, I say.

Yeah, sort of.

I won’t do it.

And then, reader, Chris says, I had him arrested.

I tell my editor about what Chris said.

It’s funny, she says, but there’s truth in it too. Why wouldn’t you have Mark arrested? I mean, it makes sense why you wouldn’t. But how would you articulate your reasons?

Him getting arrested wouldn’t make me feel any better, I tell her, and I really don’t think he’d do something like this again. And also, I don’t want to put myself through the experience of reporting him. Oh, what do you think of Reader, I Had Him Arrested, as a chapter heading?

I think it carries too much shock value, she says.

Okay.

But why does it carry too much shock value? she asks. Why should the reader be shocked? Never mind. I think you should keep it. If the reader feels shocked, then that’s good.