Chapter 71
There was a firm knock on the door, and Decrepit Me
looked almost relieved. “That will be Laura, come to entice you
away. Then you’ll slink off like thieves.”
“Come in, fellow
thief!” I hollered. Laura did, looking shaken. “Watch out for the
zombie bits on the carpet”
“So I haven’t gone insane from the horror. It passed me
in the hall. (We seem fated to never get out of the hallway.) I
came to make sure you were all right. Because of your
thing.”
“A nice thought, but
it originated from here, the poor gross thing. Among my other
wonderful hobbies like allowing friends to be brutalized, in the
future I take up zombie raising.”
“Infant,” Psycho Me
muttered.
“And you!” I jabbed a
finger at Asshat Me. “You don’t fool me a bit, you crone. When I
came in here and made you my bitch—”
“You did not—”
“Quiet, you ancient
bitch. Younger, Cooler, Awesomer You has the floor. You were
surprised when I did that. You were freaked
out. Things might not be as cut and dried as you tried to
pretend.”
There was a long
silence, broken by Shriveled, Elderly Me calmly saying, “Perhaps.
Why not remain awhile, and discuss it? There are
things—”
“You know what? I
don’t give a shit. We’re out of here.”
Laura glanced at me,
troubled. “Betsy, maybe Dinosaur You has a point. We
could—”
“Still not giving a
shit. Take us back to hell. Right now.”
“But
we—”
“Laura, this is not a
good time to make me repeat myself. Sword! Mystical doorway! Hell’s
waiting room! Now!”
Her sword was in her
hand while I was still spitting out mystical. That was more like it.
“Ta-ta,” Prehistoric
Me said.
“Fuck
off.”
“Fuck off twice,” the
Antichrist added.
Laura sliced. We
stepped.
Good-bye, future.
Hope to see you never.