Chapter XXIX

Anna got into the carriage again in an even
worse frame of mind than when she set out from home. To her
previous tortures was added now that sense of mortification and of
being an outcast which she had felt so distinctly on meeting
Kitty.
“Where to? Home?” asked Pyotr.
“Yes, home,” she said, not even thinking now where
she was going.
“How they looked at me as something dreadful,
incomprehensible, and curious! What can he be telling the other
with such warmth?” she thought, staring at two men who walked by.
“Can one ever tell any one what one is feeling? I meant to tell
Dolly, and it’s a good thing I didn’t tell her. How pleased she
would have been at my misery! She would have concealed it, but her
chief feeling would have been delight at my being punished for the
happiness she envied me for. Kitty, she would have been even more
pleased. How I can see through her! She knows I was more than
usually sweet to her husband. And she’s jealous and hates me. And
she despises me. In her eyes I’m an immoral woman. If I were an
immoral woman I could have made her husband fall in love with me
... if I’d cared to. And, indeed, I did care to. There’s some one
who’s pleased with himself,” she thought, as she saw a fat,
rubicund gentleman coming towards her. He took her for an
acquaintance, and lifted his glossy hat above his bald, glossy
head, and then perceived his mistake. “He thought he knew me. Well,
he knows me as well as any one in the world knows me. I don’t know
myself. I know my appetites, as the French say. They want that
dirty ice-cream, that they do know for certain,” she thought,
looking at two boys stopping an ice-cream seller, who took a barrel
off his head and began wiping his perspiring face with a towel. “We
all want what is sweet and nice. If not sweetmeats, then a dirty
ice. And Kitty’s the same—if not Vronsky, then Levin. And she
envies me, and hates me. And we all hate each other. I Kitty, Kitty
me. Yes, that’s the truth. ‘Tiutkin, coiffeur.’ Je me fais
coiffer par Tiutkin.... fg I’ll
tell him that when he comes,” she thought and smiled. But the same
instant she remembered that she had no one now to tell anything
amusing to. “And there’s nothing amusing, nothing mirthful, really.
It’s all hateful. They’re singing for vespers, and how carefully
that merchant crosses himself! as if he were afraid of missing
something. Why these churches and this singing and this humbug?
Simply to conceal that we all hate each other like these
cab-drivers who are abusing each other so angrily. Yashvin says,
‘He wants to strip me of my shirt, and I him of his.’ Yes, that’s
the truth!”
She was plunged in these thoughts, which so
engrossed her that she left off thinking of her own position, when
the carriage drew up at the steps of her house. It was only when
she saw the porter running out to meet her that she remembered she
had sent the note and the telegram.
“Is there an answer?” she inquired.
“I’ll see this minute,” answered the porter, and
glancing into his room, he took out and gave her the thin square
envelope of a telegram. “I can’t come before ten o’clock.—Vronsky,”
she read.
“And hasn’t the messenger come back?”
“No,” answered the porter.
“Then, since it’s so, I know what I must do,” she
said, and feeling a vague fury and craving for revenge rising up
within her, she ran upstairs. “I’ll go to him myself. Before going
away forever, I’ll tell him all. Never have I hated any one as I
hate that man!” she thought. Seeing his hat on the rack, she
shuddered with aversion. She did not consider that his telegram was
an answer to her telegram and that he had not yet received her
note. She pictured him to herself as talking calmly to his mother
and Princess Sorokina and rejoicing at her sufferings. “Yes, I must
go quickly,” she said, not knowing yet where she was going. She
longed to get away as quickly as possible from the feelings she had
gone through in that awful house. The servants, the walls, the
things in that house—all aroused repulsion and hatred in her and
lay like a weight upon her.
“Yes, I must go to the railway station, and if he’s
not there, then go there and catch him.” Anna looked at the railway
timetable in the newspapers. An evening train went at two minutes
past eight. “Yes, I shall be in time.” She gave orders for the
other horses to be put in the carriage, and packed in a
traveling-bag the things needed for a few days. She knew she would
never come back here again.
Among the plans that came into her head she vaguely
determined that after what would happen at the station or at the
countess’s house, she would go as far as the first town on the
Nizhni road and stop there.
Dinner was on the table; she went up, but the smell
of the bread and cheese was enough to make her feel that all food
was disgusting. She ordered the carriage and went out. The house
threw a shadow now right across the street, but it was a bright
evening and still warm in the sunshine. Annushka, who came down
with her things, and Pyotr, who put the things in the carriage, and
the coachman, evidently out of humor, were all hateful to her, and
irritated her by their words and actions.
“I don’t want you, Pyotr.”
“But how about the ticket?”
“Well, as you like, it doesn’t matter,” she said
crossly.
Pyotr jumped on the box, and putting his arms
akimbo, told the coachman to drive to the booking-office.