Product Description

How do YOU plan on surviving the coming Zombie Apocalypse! If you are a wuss, don't buy this book. Just the act of opening it will cause your puny mind to loose all control of your bowel movements. You will also become so impotent, not even Viagra will be able to help. If you're weak in the mind and want to read this book I have two suggestions. One, kill yourself. When you get to the pearly gates tell St. Peter to suck it. On your way to hell, be happy knowing that after about fifteen minutes down there, you will be able to read this book. Plus you will really start liking Death Metal for some reason. Two, go to prison. Get raped everyday by the Nation until your heart swells with agony and hatred. Construct a shiv made out of your fingernails and potato salad. And the next time they come for you stab them all in the nuts. You will spend the rest of your life in prison but at least you can read the book. If, however, you ARE strong enough to handle this book - if you're the kind of guy whose genitals are so tough that you have to put sand in your condoms to feel any sensation, the kind of man that won't ask a girl out unless her boyfriend is within a two foot radius, the kind of man that goes bear hunting with nunchucks - then YOU, you are ready! This book will not only teach you how to survive the zombie outbreak, but how to do it with STYLE. You will have a horde of zombie slaves! You will live in a palace! You will live like a king! YOU WILL BE WORSHIPED LIKE A GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

About the Author

Some say Etienne is the baddest mothertrucker on the planet, while most others say he is kind of puny and has poorly concealed homosexual tendencies. Etienne was raised in a military compound deep in the Rhodesian jungle by a single father. His dad commanded a squadron of mercenaries, specialized in suppressing the frequent zombie outbreaks in remote jungle villages. When he was 14, the boy was awakened one night by the frantic retreat of soldiers fleeing a fight gone horrifically awry. Only after hours of agonizing pleas for an answer to where his Papa was did the soldiers of fortune tell him. His father was claimed by the undead. Drunk with blood lust Etienne slipped away from the compound and went to the village where his father was slain. Rampant with zombies and flame, E.T., as he was lovingly called by the soldiers, arrived coldly into the village. He belted screams of African curses from the depths of his intestines and tirelessly laid waste to the ghost like creatures with the power of agony, gunpowder and steel. All but one of the undead where left when the child ran out of ammo and angst. As the last of the flesh eaters approached, he recognized the monster to be his, his father. With tears of agony cascading from his eyes he exclaimed, "Daddy, why did you abandon me!" and proceeded to collapse what was once his fathers skull into a paste with the butt of his shotgun. The boy that arrived in the village that evening to avenge his father's death died piece by piece with each creature he relentlessly executed. When the soldiers returned to avenge their comrades they found only bludgeoned corpses and the silent shell that was once a beloved child. All of his innocence lost, what emerged from the jungle after that night was not the same creature that entered. All that remained was a beast so full of hate that it consumed raw meat, and cooked it with the burning anger inside.